I'm giving the Animal Kingdom chess set to the Chess Club. BWAHAHAHA.
Guess what I get to do tonight, boys and girls? Did you say write a WHOLE PAPER? Yooooou're right! But- It's on Soto Zen Buddhism, and I always say, write what you know...plus it's interesting as all hell.
"All hell"...that's an odd phrase.
JANANANANANANANANA BATMAN!!!!!?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaaaaaaaa....
it's 6:30!
Nerdslut
What's your sexual appeal?
HEE. Yeah, I DO look good in glasses.
But funny- they don't mention that I hate my family!
Well, I thought SLAM and the Fam Damily and I were all gonna go eat when SLAM got here at 6:30 or so. Then we were all gonna go shopping or something.
Evidently not.
They just left. After telling me to finish my chores. Did not so much as ask if I wanted to go. Well, they asked WHERE I wanted to go, but when they decided that wasn't what THEY wanted they just left without me. And they say I never hang out with them.
THEYNEVERFUCKINGASK!!!!!
Look! I exist!
::sigh:: I desperately am trying to convince my family to let me take in this bird. It's a cockatiel...and I want him. I mean, he's free!
::sigh:: School resumes tomorrow.
::sigh:: My Spanish homework is actually worth points.
::sigh:: I am so fixated on Jananananana's CD and the bird that I can't do my homework.
::sigh:: Unc wants BBQ for dinner. I do NOT want BBQ chicky....so I may have to backslide and eat pork. Sounds yummy, but what if I make myself sick?
MMMMMM, then no school tomorrow.
OK, pork it is!
You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.
"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."
Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.
As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
(Not to be confused with my other entry about things I've found)
1) Quill pen
2) feather-tipped pen
3) blow gun and dart
4) books
5) money
6) someone's journal
7) spare shirt
8) umbrella
9) ice
10) pizza
11) kitten
((What is the sound of someone choking on their own karma?))
Track 8 on Radiohead's "Hail to the Theif" is too much when heard through headphones. It felt like little raindrops of sound were landing gleefully on my cerebral cortex. Straight through the skull. From all directions. Eventually it started hurting, so I switched the song.
It's like that Stigmata soundtrack song that through headphones has always sounded like ripping music notes. No, not notes on paper. If you could grab the ACTUAL NOTE and put physical, living form to it, then rip THAT....you may have an idea of what goes through my head every time I hear it happen.
AltaVista's Babel Fish Translation Service
LOL. It's by no means perfect, but it will give you a rough (and possibly hilarious) idea.
Y estoy enojada otra vez! Ahora mi tia tiene una hoja grande de quehaceres para mi. Tambien quiere se conduzco a el aeropuerto para alquilar un carro porque el suyo esta rota. No me digas.
Man, I need to stop this angry-spanish-ranting thing. I'm offending spanish-speakers everywhere with my crappy vocab. And upsetting ym friends, too. Sorry, Rose, I know you hate it. But it is m y blog. ^^'
Si te placas ni una cosa mas en mi cama voy a destruir t u cuarto!" Hay de mi, cada dia, cuando regreso a mi casa, hay cosas nuevas en mi cama. Y cada dia hay una cosa mas que esta rota! Es ridiculo. Necesito arreglar la problema AHORA.
Lo siento, he mirado la pelicula "el crimen del padre amaro", y ahora estoy pensando en espanol. Espanol malo, es la verdad, pero es normal para mi tener la fluencia de un joven que tiene cuatro an~os porque nunca he vivido en otro pais.
Sorry. If I wasn't tired and mad at myself for being up this late, I'd translate that for you.
Well, last night after the musical (yay Courtney-san!!!) I got online, and uber-surprise, MS-DJ is online. He IMs me, too, and after we've talked for a while, asks me out to coffee when he's back in STL over break. Not a date, LOL, Rose, you remember him. He's funny and we talk a lot about Thoreau when we're hanging out, so I figure I'll grab some tea and chill with my old co-worker for a bit.
I made a royal butt out of myself at the GSA meeting today with Janna(nananana!). I swear I felt my hair grow paler and my eyes get big and empty and I had to supress stupid girly giggles. If I was an anime character it would have been the equivalent of me falling down the stairs and showing the world my undies. Well, maybe not, but it made me blush, which is rare.
So Janna: Are you going to see the musical?
LOL.
God, I am SUCH an idiot...I need to go find a hole and crawl right on in. =)
Oh my God, the English language does not sound nearly scary enough to convey just how angry I am right now! I need to learn some serious German to get this across properly! Or Arabic!! Just read and try to put in as many harsh consonants and throaty noises you can, Random Reader.
So my night was going great at work. I had bought Soul Caliber II for $22, there had been no customers...work was done...it was all pretty relaxed. Then, five minutes before close this dude walks in with some ugly chick. They're both faux beach blonde and are wearing wrinkled scrubs. I tell them that we close in five and let them do their thing.
So they come up to the register and the guy looks at his wallet and says "Oh, fuck I left my card at home." (Yes, I admit to being slighty offended by the profanity since I didn't know him.) So I go "Well, I can use your ID if you've rented here in the past six months." He sighs and replies "no, I haven't, because I just moved back into town." And the ugly bitch didn't have a card. So I suggested that he call his house and get the number off his card.
Well, he calls, and it turns out that his car door is locked, so they can't get the card. So he goes "can you just use my ID?" And I try to explain to him that, no, I cannot, because we don't have his account and can't rent to him. He responds with "Well can't you rent me the movie now and me give you the card tomorrow?" Dummy can liiiiiiiiiiiisten...riiiight.
((Whoa, I do lots of "iiii"ing and "!!!!"when I'm mad, but almost no "spanish exclamation point"ing.))
Anyway.
I tell him no, the computer won't let me do that. So he glares at me and says "So you're telling me that there is nothing you can do to rent me this movie."
"Yes, sir, I am."
"Well, fine, we'll just go to Hollywood." (I hate the way customers pull this on us like we freaking CARE. Most of us are glad to pack their asses off to the competition. Here, have our rejects!!!)
"Well, I hope they can help you. Have a good night, sir."
He goes out the door, and is almost to the sidewalk, and I'm putting up his movie, when I hear him mutter "'you too, bitch."
I FLIP OUT. He called me a bitch to my back!!! Had it been to ME, like some "adult", not as he was leavingm, like a weak-ass little fifth grader afraid his mommy's gonna get him in trouble, I would have taken it better.
Well, I follow him out of the store and tell him we'd appreciate it if he permanently took his business elsewhere because he was no longer welcome at Blockbuster. Which I am allowed to do. And I said it politely, considering that I have moon-nail bruises from clenching my fists in readyness to punch his fat head...
Then he glared at me as he slunk off into his car...so I flipped him off.
Yeah, I know...but I was provoked. And I'm known to be patient and easy-going*, and he'd not a regular customer, so when it comes down to my word against his, I'll win. If the little fucker even tries to pursue it.
Then get this. Mini-MOD called Hollywood and told them two customers who were suspected of stealing were headed their way.
That was funny, but did not satisfy me.
And now I have to go write a paper. ARGH.
*with customers. at work. stop laughing.
ARGH. Fam just ruined somebody's birthday present with her "I'm just gonna run through and tidy things up a bit by piling Lilith's textbooks and shoes all on this one flimsy piece of paper that looks important." So now I have to start all over. Again. God damnit.
So...there are no takers on my "Read Weetzie Bat" campaign? Well, I'll have to step it UP a notch, then!
::points to passerby:: "Hey, you! Yeah, you! Look! If you don't read Weetzie Bat, I will never be your friend again!"
::stammers:: "B-b-but-"
::glee:: "See?! I knew this would work! You can't live without me, so read!"
::utter confusion:: "But I don't even know you!!!"
::anger:: "Think of the future!! Our friendship is at stake!"
A.K. is the most fantastic co-worker ever. Thanks to her I got to go home as previously planned. I will be more than willing to repay this favor in the future. THAAAAANK YOOOOOOOU!!!
Love the glasses, dahling. You love them too. I sense these things. (("They call it the Dark Gift...::stare into space::...and I gave it to you."))
Off to play Spyro for about 30 min to unwind, then on to studying for midterm and Japanese test!!
Doesn't my life "rule"? Why do you people even read this??
Oh man....that's it. Pam is DEAD. I am no longer working these insane hours. ::sigh::
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Yesss, feel the bitterness flow from the myriad "i"s....
Oh, MAN....
If I don't get un-sick of my hair in, oh, fifteen minutes, all of you will be in MAJOR trouble today because I am tired and don't have nearly enough eyeliner on. Plus, we're out of breakfast-type food and I am about to be forced to COOK at 6AM.
((my karma could kick your karma's ass!!))
No school on Friday. You will all be shocked to hear that this disappoints me.
::listening to Elliot Smith+Ween::
YAY! I'm gonna go to Tea Club Friday!!! ::happy dance::
ARGH, I really must do homework at some point....but first....TETRIS!!!
One upon a time in a land called Shangri-L.A., a beach-blond punk pixie named Weetzie Bat lived a life of surf and slam. But Shangri-L.A. can be Hell-A., too, and Weetzie wanted something celestial and sparkling to keep her safe.
So she made three wished and learned that love is the most beautiful and dangerous angel of all.
That's the intro to Weetzie Bat, one of the shortest and best (and one of my favorite-est) books ever. It's 113 pages and I just KNOW someone wants to borrow it from me.
Well, when combined with my family leaving so there are no children in my house to scream at 8 AM...work sucks because it makes me sleep in until 2PM on a Sunday, which means I'll be up until 4AM tonight. So I'll be off at school on a Monday on like two hours of sleep and pissier than I am right now.
And my hair sucks. I desperately need to cut it off.
This is one of those days when I have that urge to chuck the milk gallons again. OH! I haven't written about that here!
I had this dream a little bit after Halloween that involved me and Fam. It was Halloween and I was having a party and literally EVERYONE was there. Well, she comes in and starts yelling at me about where I parked my car (this is normal, even when not dreaming.) She wanted me to park it in the driveway, not on the street. The only problem was that HER car was in the driveway...so mine wouldn't fit (also normal when not dreaming). I tell her this and she starts yelling "I don't care, blah, blah, blah, do it anyway..." At this point everyone in the room is backed up in a corner and just staring. I go over to the fridge to get some tea or somethign and go "well, if you want me to wreck your damn car, I'll park in the driveway. But why don't you just move the ugly thing?" AAAAND she freaks out and starts yelling about how unmanageable and delinquent I am.
So I open the fridge, take out a gallon of milk, and chuck it across the room, where it explodes in a frothy, milky, oh-so-satisfying spray. Fam looks at me with deadly eyes and says quietly. "Oh, I know you did not just do that." I respond "Yes, I did" and send the 2% over to join the skim. =D
_____________________
4:30PM
Quick note before I go off to work. I just thought of a really great comic idea that involves my character Mary-Mary. So that's what I'll be doing in my free time tonight. YAY!! =D If I can figure out how I'm gonna start posting my comics here. That may mean I'll have to upgrade to the paying version...we shall see. I think it's only 10 bucks a year or some insane low rate like that.
I am so offended with the world right now, but at least I know I hit my low point early in the day. Shall I humiliate myself further by actually typing out what happened?
Of course! Read on with glee, Random Reader!
Tiny One and I were at Bread Co...and well, I just had to get my I.C. Caramel. God, those things are the bane/boon of mt very existence. Anyway, they have those big straws, right? Well, I was talking, and I bent down to get a sip, and somehow ended up getting the straw wedged between my front teeth...
It hurt. And my pride is still whining about the blow.
We laughed a lot, tho. And hey, I don't need to floss anymore.
Ewwwwww, that's kinda nasty.
It's 1:14!!!!!
Time to roooooooll outta bed and get "breakfast"....then shower and head off to work!!
UGH.
Attabug's evil shoe has put my leg out of comission. He does not know this yet, however, because my machismo prevented me from telling him I had hurt myself while trying to kill him. (Hopefully he won't read this.)
Cannot get my comment system up and running. I need to hurt something....possibly my other leg?
Ok. Get this. In the training room in our Blockbuster one of the new employees drew an anarchy symbol. Think about that.
Blockbuster. Anarchy. Multi-million dollar conglomerate. Anarchy.
My conclusion? A wannabe anarchist is "rebelling" against the company he just sold his soul to.
Loser. Because srawling a symbol on a white board accomplishes a lot. You just keep on doing your thing, man...
Oh, and I DO mean "sell the soul". They make you sign MORE PAPERWORK and AGREEMENTS...
I'm out.
Oh wow, the feeling of relief is IMMENSE!! However, I have to be at WORK in like 15 minutes or so... so the feeling is NOT going to last.
I had something I wanted to talk about. Why can't I remember it now?
::anime anxious face complete with sweat drop:: Heh. Just got my wardrobe off the floor and down into the laundry room...and no sign of my ATM card.
::ahem:: Would anyone care to donate to the get my ass to school cause?
. . .
Fine. Bastards.
_______________
11:15 PM (This means "later")
Well, I found my money source. So my bum will be able to drive my "new" car to school tomorrow. So you all will see me.
I chose my baby photo out of like the three I have. There was one of me in a frilly dress drinking soda out of a bottle...but I respect myself.
HMMM. I need to get to work on the SAFE stuff. And Ms. Secretary needs to start showing up. She may be awesome, but that doesn't mean she can skip. ::hint hint:: Yes, I really don't care. =D
Yes. So I went and had dinner with Rose. We had a ton of fun. I'm so glad we got over whatever the hell kind of hole we (I) was in.
It's so odd to capitalize I. You know, I know of a few people who shouldn't give themselves that much credit. Some people are DEFINITELY "i"-types.
Also, according to Buddhists, there is no "I". We are all i. Even less than that. "i" is just an extention of everything. "i" is nothing unless shown with everything else. "i" is the pinpoint of everything that came before it.
Kind of like all those AIDS commercials.
...
See what happens when I try to be profound?? =)
Really, though, this whole Buddhist thing gets to me. How can I be the best at what I do like I'm supposed to if I'm not me at all? If I'm not different from the rocks and trees, why be me?
I just need to keep studying.
In other words, I'm actually GETTING STUFF DONE. I just got done with half of my review for the satanic Pegasus midterm of doom. Also took my car to the doctor and mended half of its problems...and I have a PLAN to clean my room tonight.
Yes. You know your room is dirty when you need a frigging game plan. I do believe that every piece of laundry I own is somewhere in there dirty on the floor. WHich means I at LEAST have to do laundry tonight. ^"^
Heh. My ATM card is somewhere in there, too. And until I find it I have a) no money, and b) no gas. So I may want to get on that, since I'm on the last 1/6 of my tank...
I want to join the girls' lacrosse team.
I'm going to think carefully about that, considering how freaking "sports-compatible" my body is.
More later once I lose all this freakish motivation.
.::ZZ Top. Legs::.
HA! I bet you tried to click it, didn't you?!!!
Well, here's my blog, out of hiding by popular demand (ie two people)! Enjoy.
LOL. They finally turned the heaters on in school today...and sudden warmth makes me sleepy, so I crashed in Astronomy today while Yates was lecturing on solar eclipses...he saw me fall asleep, and when I woke up, glared at me.
So as I left the room after the bell I turned to him and said "Fascinating lecture, Mr. Yates."
I don't know why he still acnowledges I exist despite my best efforts to keep it from happening. As delinquent as I am in his class, still he persists.
But by the end of the year I shall have one, oh yes. MUA---ah, it's not worth it.
::ahem:: And by "have one" I obviously mean "have won". I am so ashamed that this is my first language.
((Eat that, Mrs. Walters.))
People are not pretty when they cry. They are pink and ugly and snuffly and snotty with puffy lids and red eyes.
(I have a scar from #45)
1) ice
2) spaghetti
3) peeled banana
4) cheerio-s
5) hot wax
6) jell-o
7) ice cream
8) tea
9) milk
10) sugar
11) fruit salad
12) tuna
13) spare change
14) money
15) paper wads/spitballs
16) vicious missiles launched by obnoxious young boys
17) snake
18) various lizards
19) wasp
20) baby opossum
21) puppy
22) kitten
23) un-invited hands
24) stethoscope
25) socks
26) underwear
27) broken seed bead necklace
28) beer
29) stamps
30) pencils and pens
31) hairbrush
32) bobby-pins, barrettes
33) cake
34) watermelon
35) smoothie
36) spoon
37) macaroni
38) lettuce
39) popcorn
40) sno caps
41) earrings
42) someone else's hair
43) lipstick/lipgloss stick
44) twigs
45) wolf spider
46) cheese sauce
47) soda
48) whole bag of M&Ms
The pregnant bitch is having a girl. La de fucking da. I hate kids, and I hate her.
Sorry. Typing Beowulf paper, and I do not feel in the least bit charitable right now. So help me God, I will bite someone's head off before the night is over.
_______
_______
y ADEMAS!!
Now Fam is in the other room talking to the self-important RADIO GOD about what happened with my dog! Excuse me, does everyone need to know the whole fucking story!!? Let's juts broadcast it to the entire fucking planet, shall we? Next time Claire pisses the bed I'm gonna post it up in the neighborhood!! My God! LET MY ISSUES BE PRIVATE!!
I miss him!!!!
_______
_______
Look! I'm rational now!
When the self-important RADIO GOD left I took Fam aside and asked her if she'd stop telling people the gory details of why Keely doesn't live with us anymore. She was actualy nice about it and I feel much more rational now.
Look! Poetry! ((QUE RARO PARA MI...GENERALMENTE PARECE QUE QUEJO AQUI MAS QUE HAGO POEMAS.))
_______________________
The waves pound relentlessly against unyielding stone,
but cannot break it.
I feel their frustration as I glare
angrily into her harsh, determined eyes.
_______________________
I am up at the front,
cucumber cool,
enjoying my 15 minutes of fame.
I can make them hear,
make them know.
Stage fright is a distant memory.
_______________________
I see the room as I walk in,
brimming full of stangers.
My stomach feels like it is trying to hide.
They all turn and fix empty eyes on me-
I, stranger to them, stranger than them.
_______________________
I found these in my old assignment notebook. Someday I'll probably come back and expand upon them.
Fam manages to ruin my day even from however many thousands of miles away she is right now. She tells Unc bad news to tell me, then calls me to discuss it...and assumes I'm mad at her and hangs up on me...and then Unc says I should call her and tell her I'm not mad. But I am now; she's being ridiculous. And I probably am, too, but this is vacation, and I think I should have the option of keeping all my problems at bay until I'm there to deal with them.
Otherwise the day was fine. Seattle has the best seafood. And really creepy hotel lobby boys who stare every time I enter. And this sucks because all the decent internet service is in the lobby...right in his sight. And right now he's being chewed out by his boss. Nicely, of course. Poor guy; he's so young.
Oh my God, I am so completely SOLD on the University of Puget Sound!!! You have no idea! Now all I have to do is get away from here so I can see all this with a bit more perspecitve, ya know?
Kay, off to get coffee. You know, when in Seattle...I swear, it's how they stay alive.
And Unc is running late for breakfast!! AAAH!!!!
We are staying at the Best Western in the University District (wrong university), and he got me my own room, which is all colorful and it has a great bed wth tons of pillows and internet on the TV, which is what I am using right now. It kind of sucks. Th resolution is crappy.
Anyway, we also rented a white Thunderbird convertible and I am not leaving here until he lets me drive it!!!! Oh, I'm getting so spoiled. We flew up here first class. We had a three-course meal (complete with yummy fresh salad and tofu strips...) and the stewardess asked me if I wanted wine...I almost said yeah just to see what Unc would do.
This keyboard sucks.
Oh! Unc gave me the ok on having a senior trip! Now all I need to do is get Fam's yes. I'm not going to ask until December. Or maybe November.I dunno. Alright, now it's not letting me hit enter. Next time I'm using the computer down in the lobby!!
Ah, I cool. I made a dentist appt, called a college, and made reservations to the Melting Pot. Today. All at once. Me....little Ms. Phone Phobia.
SoooOOOOOOOOO! Now I get to go do homework! Motivation. Yes.
This will fade in two seconds, I know. 4:27 PM
Oh, yeah....I felt it fade. 4:28 PM
LATER: Wanna see scary? Dude, go to Google and type a random phrase in your second language. Then get upset when you can understand the dude talking about sex and a book he still hasn't read. Then wonder why YOU never use "tal". 7:20 PM
Moral dilemma. Should I stay home all day today, or should I go back for 7th hour and take that math quiz? I think it's going to eventually come down to which one is less of a pain in my ass...and whether or not Happy Shower Dude finishes with that freaking awesome shower downstairs before noon or so. Cuz if not...oh baby...I ain't goin!
Oh. Laundry. Yeah...I'm not EVEN venturing down there until Happy Shower Dude is gone.
My dilemma rests on your shoulders, man. My problems are in your hands.
And you probably didn't graduate high school. I am SO SCREWED, aren't I?
My science teacher managed to doom my karma first thing in the morning. The Beer Vat was bitching about a fly, so he caught it and said "hey, has anyone ever done this?" And proceeded to RIP THE LEGS OFF THE FLY...which was still alive...In front of the ENTIRE CLASS!! Then he let go of it and said "Fly, fly!" and the poor thing just tumbled down...and then he chuckles and goes "See? They can't land!"
Then he made fun of me for being absolutely horrified. He said "C'mon, I KNOW you've killed flies."
Yes, I have. But I have never TORTURED THEM BY RIPPINGTHEIRLEGSOFF!!!
God. Thinking about it makes me ill. You see...he had to catch the legs first because they were wiggling...and then PULL...and there was a popping noise...
Yeah. I never had a chance today.
Rose was the bright moment in my reaaally crappy day today. The morning sucked because I couldn't find the black fishnets I have that look like they're painted on, so I had to wear normal electric blue ones instead (thus negating all existence). Then I get to school...nuff said.
Also, one of my friends has been reaaaaaaally distant lately. She won't talk, and every time I try to get her out of her damn little oyster shell she glares at me and rolls her eyes. Also, she didn't sit with us at the GSA meeting...or even say hi. Now see...I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't know what she's doing and so I don't like it. (Plus, I have to sit next to her ass for a semester.) But then again, whatever. She can do what she wants. ((Ow. OW OW OW!! <---that, my friends, is my conscience BEATING my ass.))
Argh. WHERE IS QUELNT?
Ok, back to my bad day. Then....I smelled like onions for a few hours....and then Fam bitched at me all night about stuff. yes, STUFF. There is no implied importance ANYWHERE. Not (important) STUFF...just STUFF.
I was saddened in the hall today as I walked past a kid who I know only as "The You-Know Guy" due to presentations in History AP last year. I wonder if you can guess what his filler was.
Guess who IMed me last night? QUELNT! I was so tripped out....going "Dude...this one-man band is IMing me...and he's COOL..." even though he definitely qualifies as a Techno Dork....just like me. But my favorite song of his is his favorite song of his...and we both like vodka. Whpa, dude...what are the odds?! LOL
That reminds me. Mr 7-7-7, him, and me went out last night to get Serendipity ice cream. ((They sell it by the ounce!...)) On the way there Triple 7 told me about this chess set he has...made of shot glasses. Just think for a moment. Yes, he plans to have a tournament. Yes, I plan to enter (and fail.) My only hope will be that my opponent will be drunker than I am and forget how to play the game.
I want to go play frisbee. I'm going to play it with him tomorrow. He says he's not any good...which is what he said about rollerblading. We shall see.
Mad at Suncoast. They sent me a coupon that is valid from the 13th-16th...today.
I feel this need to write profusely about SOMETHING! Anything! MORELATER.
::.4PM.::
It is now LATER.
I realized driving home from Biker and Attabug's neighborhood that I have had this theory about music since I was four. I remember me and my mom laughing about it on the way up to my psychologist's office. (Yes, at four. We had funny insurance.)
Anyway...It was decided that music was the way messages were REALLY sent to the brain. Think about it.
Brain'd send a beat to make you move...vary the tempo to vary your pace...vary the division to tell you whether it's flowing or choppy. Emotions would be controlled by keys.
Well...it works for me. The older I get, the more essential music is to me. It is getting to the point where it must always be on. And certain chords ore keys can make me happy or sad for no reason. A song on the MAtrix soundtrack made me cry the other day. I was in a good mood.
It's funny, but I like it.
Met him and Mr. 7-7-7 at Steak-N-Shake tonight after work. Halfway there before I realized a few things:
1) If Fam had any idea where I was, she'd flip,
2) If the cop behind me knew how old I was, I'd be screwed.
3) Screw them both, I want french fries.
4) The next person who uses the phrase "freedom fries" around me will be wearing his legs as a turban.
5) That is a nasty mental image.
6) Hey look, it's Stealthy Loser Boy!
7) I want to punch him.
Our waiter gave us our stuff free, too. I am getting good at this not being charged thing.
I want to be 18 so I can go get my tongue pierced and buy a real set of handcuffs for my car.
You know its going to be one of those days when you're in the middle of a great dream, unconsciously revelling in the fact that you actually got the recommended hours of sleep that night...and the phone rings. The moment you hear it you are awake, and the moment they tell you who's on the phone you remember why you were trying to stay asleep in the first place. And then all the memories from the night before and all the dreads of today come swooping in on you and you don't even get to enjoy the fact that you feel rested and nicely lazy...
In short...you were awakened by the Problematic Stress Source of the Day. And it doesn't really give a damn, does it? Oh no, of course not. Wake up, bitch, you THRIIIIVE on stress.
ARGH. And my wok won't come clean. I have resorted to oven cleaner. I swear I'll rinse and scrub the hell out of it afterwards. (Yesssssss, come eat at my house!)
1) "relieviate"= a cross between relieve and alleviate. Now stands for needing to use the bathroom. ("I desperately need to relieviate.")
2) "Away with the Breeze"= synonym for Gone with the Wind. Now can be used to mean gone/around. (In context: "Where were you?" "oh, you know, away with the breeze.")
3) "Tap of Bad"= the movie Touch of Evil. Now can be a threat: ("Are you prepared to face the Tap of Bad?!!")
Biker's favorite is "tap of bad". Tomorrow I'm making these into fake dictionary definitions and re-publishing them.
::EDIT::
Why do none of my clocks say the same time in this house? Good Lord, I used to be the kind of person that had them all sycnchronized to within a second of each other...hmph.
Well, it does have it's up-sides. When I want to be out the door early I go by the one in my room and the one in the computer room. When I'm running late and I want to feel better about myself I use the security timer and the microwave clock. Then there's car-time...
Actually, maybe I do want to re-sync them all. What I just said was WAY more complicated than necessary.
(and by "#1" I mean 1of1. Hopefully there will be no more.)
I am the gentle guide, the other half of a married man.
He is the angry attacker of living things.
Eternally enraged at everything, he longingly lashes out,
And is eager to eat as he revels in the hurt is rage has wrought.
I calm him; I counter him by opposite-force.
My ready restraints still his bloodlusting berserker nature.
With motherly, metallic skin I cool his cut-mouthed wrath.
My ornate inscriptions insist to cover and conceal his intent.
We are one as the day departs; as the same body, we rest.
_________________________________________________
A GUIDE TO ANGLO RIDDLES:
*Spoken from the point of view of an object.
*Poetry- structure given by alliteration and strategic pauses.
*Normally people in poem are not actually people.
*The answer to this one is "sword and scabbard".
*Only one person out of 11 has guessed right.
*Two of the smarter ones suggested "clouds" or "wedding ring". whoa.
*The next person who tells me it is a helmet will die violently.
Good lord, where to begin?
We all went out to dinner, after all, and it was decently fun. I had Japanese food for the first time (Chicken Curry and Sumi Salad....mmmm). Then I talked them into taking me to Oberweis to get ice cream...then it was off to Circuit City...
WHERE I FOUND THE PERFECT CAR STEREO!!!
Yes siree...capable of MP3 playback...so I can just pop in a CD, hit shuffle, and have a few hundred songs just play along...WHich means I won't get bored with my music as quickly! Also, it has all the controls I want equalization-wise... and a detachable face plate...and... ::sigh:: I'm in love. So next weekend I'm going to get it put in.
Unc also bought me three CDs, so now I have Blue Album, White Stripes and Dido (of all things...I'm thinking good study music. Good tea music.) After all, No Angel is the theme song of every morning of my life, karmically speaking.
I have all my homework done. I am so freaking proud of myself.
This has been a fantastic day, down to the way the sun slanted as I was driving home and the green-ness of the trees!!
I even wrote a poem today.... If you can call that "Drunken Ode to Farangesi By the Incredible Wino Geve" thing a poem. Arislan, anyone? ﾂｶ 10:52 PM
And the prize for oddest comment ever thrown at me by a webpage goes to: Your hands do the work of 10,000 highly trained lesbian jumping beans. ﾂｶ 4:19 PM
HM! Today is one of those days that is just determined to be fantastic no matter what I do. So, I invited Fam out to dinner. We shall see how that goes. Oh, and I'm going to paint my toenails. Silver. To go with my toe ring. Superficiality? nooooo...
Farangesi...
Want you be my laday!
Will you have mah babay!
Oh faran-Farangaysay!
Lady Farangesi...
You is a little crazay...
I drunk but please don hay meh..
Oh crazy Faran-Laday!
HEE.
___________________________________________
Good Morning!!
Nope, I still hate yesterday's poem.
That link I posted last night was meant to have a grammatical error, by the way....which is why I have not edited it out. Just like every other grammatical error I have ever made. They are all MEANT to be where they are...I supply them with a hidden meaning that most people cannot understand!
Including me, damnit.
go here. ------>quelnt.iuma.com ﾂｶ 11:11 PM
This poem I wrote for a personal essay:
Snapshots
I.
Drip drip.
Drip drip.
My eyes slide open to darkness and rain,
and I am the tired, lazy rolls of thunder.
Two more drips-staccato,
before my alarm awakens
and squawks in discord to the storm.
II.
My tires on asphalt (fash-fash, splash!).
It窶冱 too early to be driving- but I am.
Up with the sun, already at work,
turning mulch and sand while others sugar coffee.
Rain collects on my windshield in the parking lot.
The drops dampen my skin and beg me to dance.
III.
I fell in love with it before it knew I existed.
Sixteen, a child still,
but one who loved the plants and animals,
and felt something calming in the Bird House air.
My fellow keepers feel it, I know;
I see it when they move and walk.
I watch them, I learn and dream
-and the birds begin to trust me.
IV.
The Bird Garden in the rain smells like love.
My soul is full for the simple reason
that the ground is warm and smells damp.
The fiery Satyr bird preens busily,
working the droplets into his red-gold plumage.
I fill his bowl and leave him be.
V.
The sun comes out and ricochets off water (ting-ting!).
I let the road fly by and enjoy the summer sun.
Soon it will be fall- time for college,
But for now I sweat and work in the heat.
I will miss this when I go back North.
My driveway welcomes my car back home;
I am received by my cat.
VI.
Night, and crickets (cree! cree!).
I eat my self-cooked dinner, flex achy feet,
stretch my neck, and take a sip of tea.
I love the taste of the hot liquid as it burns down.
My food is filling, even self-fulfilling
-but the Tawny Frogmouth refused another meal.
VII.
My room in the dark is very soft to the senses.
My body, exhausted from physical labor,
loves the fact that it demands no attention.
I smile myself to sleep by allowing the snapshots
of my day to seep and blend down into my dreams.
I窶冦 only nineteen- can life be more fulfilling than this?
(In my dreams, I whisper yes.)
~W.D.W
_________________________________________
Ya know, I liked this until I made myself sick of it by proofreading it over and over...and changing words around in a vain attempt to give it meter.
Keep in mind that each poem is meant to be separate from every other.
Hmmmm....maybe I'll hate it less in a week.
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" That
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the Rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that Once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the Different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions State
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions and since people do Not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go To Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
During my Freshman year that, "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I Sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded
in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
HMPH An eventful day...maybe.
Went to the mall to get the "Goddess Workout" (Look, I just had to...It was cheap, and it looks as funny as all hell...) and ended up giving the Ultimate Mocha Chiller my number. So now we'll probably hang out...but I hope he knows I'm just looking for a friend. I'm probably being paranoid; I need to get off my high horse and stop assuming that every guy I talk to wants to date me.
Assuming that's even what I do.
I ran away today; Tiny One was acting mad...so I just left God's house and went home. I'm not even sure she was mad. (If she was, it would have been at me, but damnit, she can share the friggin pillows!!) It was just another dumb moment of me flipping out because everyone isn't perfectly happy, la di da, like it's my problem...but I can't get over the feeling that it IS. Rose would tell me to stop caring; I should, and I've tried, but I feel like it's my personal responsibility to keep everyone happy when we hang out in groups. So when I feel like it's my fault that they're upset, I run.
This may be why I get so stressed out in large groups of people.
One more thing... I'm getting sick, so today I had a "Zeus Juice" smoothie with "immune blast"...but I seriously doubt that a smoothie is going to make me better. Even if it was fantastically yummy.
Also, the moronic management struck again today. I showed up at 9:30...when I thought I was supposed to, only to discover I was 30 minutes late for the one area I was told I WASN'T going to be in. Bastards.
But, they did send me home early. So...I guess it all evens out?
The Welsher hit on me again at work today, so I got the opportunity to act like he does: "I know I look good, but you can't have me." Unlike him, I did have one trick up my sleeve for that inevitable moment wherin he placed his arm across my shoulders: I elbowed him in the solarplexis.
If I wasn't so short I wouldn't have the advantage that I have; my elbows line up perfectly with sternums, fists with kidneys, etc. On the flip side...Rose's elbows line up perfectly with my chest. OW.
::obscure, bitter laughter::
r a n t
I have come to the conclusion that every day at work I see humankind at its finest- thrown pell-mell into the unknown, muddling through, facing each new sign with rather forced cheerfulness, praying that they won't actually have to fork over more money. They read the sign that tells how to get free nectar and conveniently stop before the "for children wearing this T-shirt" bit, and they come up hopefully; they try to steal from me.
/or they walk up and ask me what I'm selling, and faithfully buy it with no clue as to what it's feeding.
/or Fam interrupts, and cuts me off mid-rant.
GODDAMNIT.
/Or they stand there and stare uncertainly at everything BUT me...the obvious answer to their questions.
People are dumb, hey?
Second topic. Evidently tonight I can't write things flowingly- I have to block them off into stages.
I realized one of the more absurd teenage social tendencies today when reading over a letter sent to me by MS-DJ. We know each other vaguely from work, and I was under the impression we both liked each other pretty well. No, not in that attracted-type way, though there is nothing wrong with him, aside from the fact that I spent the majority of our conversations wondering if he was gay; the way he laughed had made me wonder.
Back to the point. He mentioned in passing in this letter (a group writing to all his friends) that his girlfriend was currently overseas. And it hit me- that whole time we knew each other at work we had been carefully avoiding the topic of relationships. Why? Because each of us were afraid the other person would lose interest in us if they found out we were taken...even though we were only interested in the other person as a friend! It is SO FREAKING RIDICULOUS!!
::ween's .tried and true. on repeat again:: <----(Thanks, SK. Thanks a lot...you obsession-inducing, should-be-gothic, punkass preppie freak.)
Good Lord, I am a loser. I went back to the zoo after all. But they offered me a raise AND a promotion...so now all I have to do is survive.
Ya know...it really isn't that bad. Even though there they seem to see me as the ANTI-socialite...they always put me in some clear glass cubicle totally alone for seven-and-a-half of the eight hours I work each day...so when I AM out, I act like a total freak. You know the drill: torment the groundskeepers, steal their grippy thingies and beat things with them, run up to your co-workers laughing hysterically, throw books, stare down children, feed a flock of pigeons...and scream I love you and hug whoever let you out. But hey...half the time I'm getting paid to do my homework, so I don't really care what they think of me.
Just read over that last paragraph. Have come to conclusion: If I stop acting like an utter lunatic, maybe they will let me associate with normal human beings!
Nah.
I came in from home all psyched because I had something to talk about...but the moment it came for me to write about it I promptly forgot. So I'll revert to my norm and ramble instead.
Spoiled myself today. Spent 140 of Fam's money on me. Bought a forty-dollar kimono top and a nice tin of white tea (among other things; white tea isn't quite THAT expenseive). Am blowing on the tea to cool it, and realized I can see my reflection in it. For some reason that impresses me right now. I must need to go to bed.
Tomorrow morning I must remember my masochistic side and a.) wake up early to exercise, and b.) wake up early to clean my room. Then off to work...
Met someone funny today. Well, I know him already, but I got a glimpse of his actual personality...so I met him. He'd be a good addition to the boy troop, or whatever they are. Certainly not a harem; possibly my friends.
Chaos Theory
A flower blooms, breaking free,
wet with fresh rain that glistens in the sun;
a mother, sick and scared, breathes her last alone,
for her family is already dead from drought.
A blackbird caws, disturbing the air,
whipping it down with angry wings;
a son, pink and new, is born mute,
forced to love the world in silence.
A tree limb cracks, crashing down in a storm,
unable to withstand the wind's fury;
a father, red with anger, inhales sharply,
does not strike his daughter.
A tree limb.
A blackbird.
A flower.
Who knew the insignificant held such power?
______________________________________________________
It's not original, it's not good. I'm depressed.
::EDIT::
Blackberries
I sometimes feel a craving for blackberries.
Not because I love the taste,
Not because they are my favorite,
But because they are keys to my memory.
I see the faded light and always sunny day of childhood,
I see the ever-smiling face and perfect long hair of my best friend
each time I stain my mouth with a simple berry.
In this memory everything was country,
And I believed with a child's faith that the trees and grasses went on forever.
My friends and I would long for summer, impatient for the dry heat,
And we knew with our first cup of hard-won berries that it was here.
Most kids just scoured the edge of the patch,
Afraid to venture into the bracken and get the best ones.
But we would go deeper, far into the thorns,
Sleeveless and often shoeless, just to get first choice.
The cuts and scratches would burn for days, but we didn't care;
They added the flavor of victory to the cupfuls,
and made the hose water that washed them all down seem like wine.
~W.D.W.
It's not what I want yet. Ah, well, at least it's not as bad as the last one I cranked out today.
Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe I just am not used to a non-rhyming style...I feel a craving for meter. And my language choice seems so bland.
For Edna
The water washes over me
My eyes shut to find the light
But the lack without reflects within
i'm afraid of the battle I must fight.
The water brings the dark
i lose all will to swim to shore
The surrounding gloom begs me to sleep
i just can't do this anymore.
The water soon chills my skin
My hair flows about me like a caress
Just as lost lover's comforting hands
Would soothe the last damsel in distress.
my skin grows cold and transparent
veins and bones stand in sharp relief
nothing is hidden- all is apparent.
i want to swim- i need belief.
~W.D.W.
Alright boys and girls, who knows their great female writers? Does this ring a bell? Anyone? Anyone?
aaaah, you all are losers.
What is a tree?
I.
A shelter.
With kind leaves to counter elements;
Sharp shields, a green protecting army,
and branches that ungrudgingly hold
weary bird and beast alike.
II.
Life.
Without these rough-barked giants
who mass-produce the air we breathe
yet attach no value added,
where am I?
III.
A Playground.
I scramble clumsily up the trunk,
my rough child's feet gripping smooth bark,
and my hands pull me higher.
I can spy everything from here.
Others shout down below.
IV.
A mother.
A safe haven I turn to
when my day has been wrong.
I sit hidden; the breeze gives branchy hugs
and rocks me until the sadness flees.
V.
A best friend.
I will entrust no one but a tree
With the knowledge of whom I love.
Soft giggles and red flushed cheeks
as I cut his initials into the trunk,
trusting my secret will be safe.
VI.
A builder.
Without trees there would be no written word,
no fires to warm pale, cold-bumped skin.
They give selflessly, we give nothing:
they do not crave gratitude.
~W.D.W.
Ghost Chant
The apex of the dawn draws near
(There's a chill inside of me)
Soul-less depths fill full of fear
(Lack of will inside of me)
Light reveals the fractured faults
(Something cries inside of me)
The all-devouring darkness halts
(Something dies inside of me)
Here it is, a blinding blaze
(Something tears inside of me)
Reluctantly the shadow strays
(Nothing cares inside of me)
Soon I'll flicker and fade away
(I know what dies inside of me)
No more shadows. It is day.
(No more lies inside of me)
~W.D.W.
I have wanted to to a call and answer poem for a long time, and this is what came out. I have no opinion.
__________________________________________________
For Fam
Faster and faster the angry words fly;
They cut and they bite their way down within.
I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.
Her voice begins to suffocate; I feel her love die.
Around me all civility is caving down in.
Faster and faster the angry words fly.
My moment of weakness; I no longer try.
Her eyes are dark with hatred- that's when
I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.
She pauses for breath; in that moment I spy
Another opening where I can dig my nails in.
Faster and faster the angry words fly.
Her eyes shine with hurt; why did I...
We're both so angry; where did this begin?
I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.
Tomorrow I'll wake and I'll feel low, like some sin.
How shallow and petty we must seem in God's eye!
But faster and faster the angry words fly,
So I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.
~W.D.W.
Yes, I wrote that in honor of me and Fam, but I'd never show it to her because she wouldn't get it. She wouldn't focus on the repentive ending; she'd be all over the feel-sorry-for-myself beginning.
Anyway, bitterness over. I chose this format because the format is very much like the repetitive cycle of our fights. We repeat and nitpick over the same things, and I wnated to show that. I wonder if anyone would pick up on that if I did not tell them?
Funny thing...I'm not an orthodoxly religious person...I was very surprised when He showed up in my poem.
_______________________________________________
Death to the King
Today is the day- as your life fades away
Your world will become empty and grey.
We will watch you die and have nothing to say.
Today is the day- your hair has grown grey,
Your eyes are dim, and why, we can't say,
But you simply refuse to go away.
-but we shall make you, anyway.
~W.D.W.
I found this in my psychology binder today. I don't remember quite when I wrote it, but I revised it and put it up here anyway. I showed it to Biker, she laughed really hard for a while and said it was great. She has a funky sense of humor- I thought it was as morbid as could be. Oh well.
_________________________________________________
Little note that makes me smile: The Dragon's license plate is NME.
n.m.e........enemy, perhaps?
Good things don't come to those who try,
and fail anyway in the end
Instead they come to those who wait-
Effectively delivered by hand.
Procrastinatress
It is often difficult for me to comprehend
How I can so capably ruin a good thing.
For example:
They say patience is a virtue;
They have obviously never met me.
~W.D.W.
This one doesn't have much to it. I wasn't trying to impress anyone; I was just attempting to cleverly state a fact. The job of the title is to explain what I am talking about. If I showed this poem sans title, I am sure fewer people would fully appreciate what I am talking about.
I played with the word procrastinator and decided on procrastinatress because it makes it seem like I have it down to an art form distinct to me. (Which is true.)
_____________________________________________________
::EDIT::
Autumn Mocks Me
The breeze hurries the husks of leaves by my feet
As I stroll through the dusk and down the street
My coat mimics the leaves and licks at my shoes
I think it would like to be taken up too
But I am too heavy to flutter away.
The breeze that could bring me up would break me down
I'd be flying free amidst chunks of debris
That would split or splinter and sting into me.
My new shirt would be darkened and dirtied and damp
Not bright and white but a bloody dark brown
And I doubt I'd be able to bring myself down.
So right about here is where I will stay
Not up in the air but safe on the ground
My face still and cold as the leaves zip around
Up me, around me, and down me they fly
Tauntingly telling me tales of the sky.
The Waking
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
~Theodore Roethke
See? Isn't this an awesome villanelle? I love the format of this poem! Ah...must go write my own!
::EDIT::
Did no homework this weekend because I needed a break. However, that means that I will be more busy this week that formerly intended. Oh well. Next weekend is bowling and pointfest, so I'll really have to work hard to keep my weekend free...but I can do it. After this week, I'll almost be free. Almost.
::2ND EDIT::
I made this to rant. Why don't I feel like it??
::sigh:: I want to run, but I'm sure I need another rest day. My right shin still aches. Being on my feet all weekend at work probably hasn't helped matters much. It's frustrating...
I need to go do homework, but I'm in no mood.
I wonder when Fam and Unc get back. Do I have one more night of peace, or no? They left Friday; I doubt it.
Almost started crying because I want a grilled cheese sandwich but can't make it. I have reached a new low. 3:32 PM
Alright, I thought yesterday sucked... I had NO CLUE what was in store for me today. Actually made it through my classes...well, in body, anyway. My mind died around 4 AM when I woke up and had a panic attack.
I tried to go home, but they wouldn't let me drive...so I lost time when I could have been sleeping because Fam wouldn't come pick me up. Then, she just randomly shows up after school and forbids me to drive home. So she drives me, and Dragon Lady drives my car. ((I am going to have to get it professionally cleaned and blessed by a priest. I HATE that woman.))
Well, I figured that since she (Fam) and her wallet (money) were there, I could take the opportunity to go by Borders and get these four books I need for classes (have needed since last month)...but she's like "No, it's out of my way, I don't have time, blah, etc...." Well, we drove right by it on the way home. Selfish bitch. Heaven forbid she EVER take time out of her "busy" schedule for me. Now I remember why I don't ask her to do things for me anymore (remembers the research paper fiasco, the time I asked her to get me Jell-o when I had the flu and couldn't keep anything else down, etc.)
Maybe I can sleep tonight, even if it is just for a little while.
This is the last night, right? I almost never have this for longer than three days...
I can survive until tomorrow night. ((Can I survive until tomorrow night?)) ﾂｶ 3:21 PM
Well, I got to sleep at like three and kept on waking up about every half hour. Ah, insomnia. Welcome back. Wonder how long this will last?
So now I have a new plan: Skip classes, sleep until twelve, then do homework all night. If I sleep tonight, more power to me. If not, it's off to school in a half-dazed, drugged state. I'm too close to the end to be missing school.
So fucking tired. Why can't I just sleep? I started having insomnia when I was twelve. Now I get it about once or twice a year, usually for three days- once as long as a week and a half ((shudder)). The family says it's due to stress...I think I agree with them. But with my insomnia usually comes a burst of motivation and artistic genuis, so in a way I enjoy it. Up all night, gettting ahead in school, writing junk, drawing...then after a while I crash and will spend a weekend sleeping. It's called REM rebound, you know.
Motor skills are less than my norm. It requires a ton of concentration to move, and steps are freaking me out.
Hmph. Was in bed until 11 trying to sleep...managed to crash for about an hour, I think. Then I woke up and spent an hour trying to get this site to function for me.
Once I'm done here it is off to the library. I also have to see if it is possible to salvage my math project. I don't think so, but I shall try my best. Sleep tonight had better be an impossibility, because I have a lot of things to do.
Fam just walked in, so I did a pre-emptive eye roll. Right after I did, she told me to clean stuff. Huh. Imagine.
I am SOOOOO ready for summer and for Seattle- you have no idea, random reader. I can't wait to be back up on the canal, living my life by the tide, because when it's in, I'm on the water; when it's out, I'm sleeping or wishing it was in. I can't wait to bang and bruise myself up trying to learn to waterski again (I have never quite managed to stay up). Tubing is a must, only hopefully this time I won't bruise my chin and spilt my lip open when Unc cuts through the wake. ((It looked cool, tho. Like I had been in a fight.))
ARGH. Fam is now yelling at me about leaving a door unlocked four days ago. Right. I wonder if she realizes that I am tired and stressed and more than in the mood to make her life hell? So now it's wash my hair, find pants, and off to the library. If I stay home, bad things will happen. Today I am not in the mood for emotional pain, so I plan to avoid it for as long as possible. 12:18 PM
Back from library. Have discovered I am developing an unhealthy obsession with Margaret Atwood novels. Went to get Body and Soul for yet another project, and ended up with two new Atwood books. ("Nuevos libros", not "libros nuevos".) So now, if I can't sleep tonight and I have all my homework done, I will just start turning pages in The Edible Woman.
I swear I will eventually turn my last few entries into cohesive rants like the first one and not just semi-lucid ramblings. But my brain is a bit hazy and the only reason my fingers are typing at all is because of my incredible willpower. My body wants to go lie down, but I know that if I do I won't sleep. My mind is too awake behind its fog.
Hmmmm, will go running again tonight. I think after the first mile I'll break, suck on a piece of ice, do some push-up, sit-ups, and sits, then run another mile before I call it good. Gotta keep the ol heart rate up to increase the metabolism, you know. 1:39 PM
Two more things that prove I have masochistic tendencies.
First, I went to go swim/study (note which one I put first). Went over knowing full well we wouldn't get any work done, and that I really had no spare time. While there, didwim some laps for exercize, but I could have done so much more. Which means I still have to go on my 30 minute run tonight. So, though fun, it was a complete waste of time and I now am behind on my research paper. So I better not be able to sleep tonight, because now I can't, anyway.
Second, I am now sitting here gnawing on a carrot and choking down a slighty wilted salad with cheese. Here's where it gets funny: I'm a red meat veggie-tarian, but I don't like veggies! So even though I am actually having a healthy dinner, I am not enjoying it. It HURTS to eat salad. There's something about the texture...I've tried for two years, but I just can't make myself like it. But, I eat it anyway. Who knew it was so painful to be healthy?
Hmmmm, I have no more reason to write for now. Unless I feel like procrastinating further and totally screwing myself over. Nope, better get on with it. Once it get the intro done, it should all be relatively easy.
If I can't sleep tonight and I have all my homework done (or all that I can get done without endangering my sanity), I'll read and probably watch "Gattaca". I figurt's time to see what all the fuss is about up at work. ﾂｶ 8:13 PM
Ahhh, Band Camp. Or should I say "AAAAAAAAH"? (Don't even get started with all the American Pie crap. I've heard it all, especially since I play the flute. So just quit now.)
Anyway, we decided this year to go off to Macomb, IL (welcome Rams and fans!!). I don't know why. I have a theory, though. It's four hours away from good ol St Louie, and it's in the middle of NOWHERE, so the chances of any of us running off were none. I mean, hey, if you like corn and cattle, but otherwise...
As Mittens said, it was all straight out of 1984. Morning yoga, tasteless breakfast, hard marching in unbearable heat, tasteless lunch (cheese plop, Paste-a, chicken "stix"...), try to stay awake durning indoor practice, tasteless dinner, more marching, fungus-infested showers, giggle-giggle-giggle...
The highlights were...wait, how could there have possibly been highlights amidst the misery?? I mean, c'mon, three people in my section went home with heat exhaustion!! Hmmmm, we were all in pain and utterly exhausted...Blu's right- we're all masochists. It was great to be away, and I got to know a lot of people (half the band probably thinks I like Paul. He's interesting, but not the BF type. Too thin (("You'd break him, you're too rough"- Toulouse)), and just something about his personality...He can't even pretend to measure up to SLAM. He's the friend type.) Like Henry was the friend type. Speaking of, he e-mailed me today. Odd, the way he just popped out of nowhere.
Argh. This is incoherent. Sometime later I'll get back on and wright a properly sarcastic summary. For now... Just waiting to see SLAM and do a little painting.
It was supposed to be a good day. I got up, showered, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen... went out to the car to head off to work...
Someone had broken into my car. They left my stereo system, my CD player, my wallet, my spare key (so in essence, my entire CAR...) but they took my cellphone. MY CELLPHONE?!! Who the hell breaks into a car professionally enough to NOT do damage, leaves all the expensive stuff, and takes a fucking CELLPHONE?? I am pissed at both the loss of my cellphone AND the stupidity of the thief. My car doesn't even have tags and TITLE yet! ((Thank God the DUMB one robbed me.))
Anyway, so Toulouse is back out en masse (and yes, IN MASS, too) telling me stuff like "And thus the girl discovers that the world is full of stupid people," and "Are you SURE you locked the car?". I hate him.
I hate Fam, too. She's trying to make me replace the phone on my own. Nope. It wasn't my fault, there is no doubt, so why the hell should I pay like it was?? And also, now she's all paranoid about my keys...etc.
She's also in a bad mood because she has finally figured out that Unc is an asshole. Especially now that he's got a literal pain in the ass and is in the hospital. I feel no sympathy for either of them. ((Am I evil? "Yes, you are so very-" I'm not in the mood, Toulouse. You best back down, fat man. "My job here is done...and well." ARGH!!!!! ::beats head on wall::))
Well, I failed my first driver's test, but I got a 91 the second time. So I am now driving freely about the town. LOL. And Fam has done two things I predicted: a) Threaten to take away my car b) Make me run errands for her. The second one is fine, but the first royally pisses me off.
She also tried to get me to go to Ladue, but there is no way I'm switching shcools my junior year. Especially since I've been switching schools constantly since I was 13. So I AM staying in Webster, but...it's costing her 9 THOUSAND a year! I am pissed that it costs so much, but I am not in the least bit guilty she's having to pay it. After all, she moved me out of my school district, so she deserves it. ((Am I evil??))
Well, yesterday was a lot of fun. I ran errands for myself!!! I was so proud. I took my dog to Petsmart (mostly cuz I could.) I've always wanted to go shopping with him. He was very good in the store. I was incredibly surprised.
He's having bad dry skin problems, so I got him some special oatmeal shampoo that seems to be helping. I also got him this vitamin supplement to put in his food that adds in vitamin E and all that other good stuff to help his skin out. I'm glad to report he thinks it is yummy. I also got him a brush because I'm sick of having to wade through a sea of dog hair every day to get into my room. And, to reward him for being "good" during his bath I got him a basted rawhide bone. And a new rope toy so we can play. AND a new collar and leash, since both of his seem to be permanently missing (I had no part in it, I swear). They match. Both are purple with little white paw prints on them. ((OK OK. I got those because I wanted him to have a matching collar and leash set. So sue me.)) The total cost was $50 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I told him he better be worth it. So far, he's acting thoroughly thrilled. Fam, I am pleased to report, seems to be indifferent about the whole thing.
Must go swim, then run more errands. SO much stuff I gotta do... (("gotta".))
By the way, Mary's middle initial really IS "F"!!!
First day of work today. I did a lot of face painting. It was fun. My favorite pattern is the octopus. It's supposed to be the hardest one, but I rock at it. Also, while I was working Marybeth came to see me with her friend Sydney. They were really cute and they were about to DIE when they saw me. It was really funny.
I was going to go practice parallel parking because I take my driver's test tomororw, but....ARGH!! There's a damn storm advisory or some crap like that. Oh well. I guess I'll just fail. LOL, no, I really doubt I will. I drive really well.
Anyway, Fam's pissed me off again, but I don't feel like talking about it because I've spent so much time yelling about it to Tiny One and my computer. Yeah. My computer hears a lot of smack. Smack. LOL. Smack.
Smack Fam. No.
MMMMMMMMMM, popsicle. See ya when.
This has been a really hectic week. I haven't been writing because I had no modem for a while. We're mostly set up in the new house. It's a lot bigget than the old one. It doesn't seem like it at first, but at night you can really tell. I can't hear them, which means they can't hear me, so I can blast my music now. Finally.
Also, my room is bigger, which is nice, but now I'm going to have to get more decorations for it. Oh darn, right? ;) Soon Rose and I are going to paint it. Tiny One and I are in charge of revamping MiniFams's playhouse out back (of which I have taken forceful control of the top. She can't get up there anyway), and SLAM and I are going to finish the basement.
I have to talk about that now. There's this really junky room in the basement that you can't even see from the outside. It has that nasty fake wood paneling on the inside, and ugly linoleum floors...but it's my new study. ((Well, I'm actually naming it "Lauren's Lair". I'm going to make a poster for the door tonight.))
Anyway, I'm working really hard to get it set up for school. I am going to paint over that ugly brown with a cheerful mint green, put down a white rug over that crappy floor...decorate it, put in a few bright lamps, desk, laptop, bookshelf, beanbags...There are only benifits to this. It keeps me away from the fam, and I can trash it out at my leisure without anyone telling me to clean up after myself. It will be completely my area. =)
And that's not ALL the good news yet. Fam has finally quit griping about the car, because I got a job!! It's at the zoo. Guest Services, nothing special, but it'll get me the connections I need to get into the Bird House. Plus, it's money. Well, because of this, they are getting me a car in the next two days or so, and I get my license next week. So when they go on vacation...I can get where I need to go ON MY OWN.... ((THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))
Also, I got my braces off today!! I have upper AND lower retainers, though, and they suck, cuz I can't talk that well, but...I'll learn.
It's been fun.
This has a nice ring to it: "Mary Fucking Valentine!" All my people know what I'm talking about.
Well, the new house sold, and fast. A couple from Ohio (of all places) is moving into it. ::sigh:: So I guess this is it. Time to move away. Oh well. ((Think of the car, think only of the car...))
Even that has lost its joy for me. Fam told me today "We're not getting you a car. It's not YOUR car. It's ours. We're just letting you drive it." God, Fam, it's not like I don't know that. But did you have to actually point it out? Why won't you ever just do something nice for me without making me feel like you're only doing it because you have to, or because it's not actually hurting you any? I felt so unwanted after she said that. And somehow like it was my fault that she was doing it.
It's not MY fault we're moving and I don't want to switch schools. So why...oh well. Why dwell on it? It will just make me sad, or angry at her again. I'm just so sick of her making me feel petty and weak.
SLAM and I might go to a drive-in movie on Saturday. I haven't been to one of those since I was, oh, FOUR. So this should be fun.
Rose and I are really pissed at Alice now. It turns out that she hires volunteers all the freaking time. So she's just trying to screw us over. So we're gonna get into the Bird House. I'm not going to work for that lying bitch ever again. And the Humane Society fell through. You have to be 18 to handle the animals. Screw them.
She and I are in a salsa dancing class now. It is SO much fun. SLAM might take the next session with us. =) That would be so great. I can't believe he wants to take dancing classes. It was actually his idea. HEE HEE, that would be SO MUCH fun!!! He and I could go dancing! Or just stay at home and dance. =)~ Either way...
I swear, this is the first year since I lived in Hawai'i that I've had a decent tan. I'm getting what I think of as the "porn" tan line...dark skin+reeeeaaaally white where bathing suit was.
MMMMMMM, yesterday I got the boxed set of Neon Genesis Evangelion. I about died when I paid for it. $118.05... I've been chanting it psychotically off and on since I did. Considering that my monthy allowance is $100...and I have no paying job...but soon I will. OOOH, and I finally got the power cord for my N64...so I can play Zelda again...both of them...man, am I a loser or what? I'm also gonna get myself a PS2 with my first paycheck. ((And Toulouse pops out of the closet for the first time in weeks and starts telling me I'm a geek. Pardon me while I get my gun.))
Rose and I finally swallowed out pride and filled out applications for Guest Services at the zoo. So we might end up being keepers after all, in the long run. However, we DID quit volunteering, so for the time being we are free from the tyrrany that is the Children's Zoo.
So tired. Fam woke me up early today and had me working by 10 AM, we got done around noon, and I went over to Mittens's, then we hung out until eight-ish...I think the swimming did me in. I didn't know it was possible for skin and sunlight to become one. Anyone who's almost fallen asleep on a raft in a swimming pool on a hot July day knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
wow, this day has been....wait, how is it suddenly 7PM? Oh well. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes...
Woke up this morning at 9 AM and was NOT happy. Mostly because it was Fam's fault I woke up. She was moaning about how she needed help with something...and of course it involved me. So, I dragged my ass out of bed when she finally got too annoying...that was at 9:55 AM. By 10:30 she was making me help her. We finished around 12...but I still had a list of things I had to do while she was gone...but that was ok. I got pisssed when she jumped me for no reason.
Kay. I was walking into the laundry room and I said "Ya know, I hope we're done with this moving stuff soon, cuz I'm sick of it," thinking that she'd agree and we'd have a grand old time griping and moaning. But no, she gets pissed and yells "You are NOT a nice person!! We only have 15 more minutes to work, so you don't need a break! Take this out to the trash!" Well, I guess it caught me by surprise, because I felt my metaphorical defensive armor go up...(Which is the equivalent of large spikes jutting from my shoulders) And I didn't want to say anything to piss her off, so I went upstaris for some tea. She follows me up and yells at me and says "no breaks, bla bla bla..." Well, I keep onn ignoring her, cuz I don't want to piss her off any more. Well, it doesn't work. Nothing works. So I went back downstairs.
Then later...she was supposed to take me to Mittens's to swim, but she called and said she couldn't because MiniFam had to take a nap. Well, I can understand this, but I wish she would ahve thought it through beforehand instead of calling me a few minutes beforehand. SO I go, fine, I'll call Mittens and hang up. She kept on calling constantly for five minutes, so after hanging up about five times, I just took the phone off the hook. She eventually gave up, but came home REALLY mad, and then bitched at me for hanging up on her. When I tried to explain why I was upset, she yelled at me and said "You know, you being mad at me has no effect on me anymore, because you are ALWAYS mad at me." I tell her that no, she just ASSUMES I am, and that's why I get upset. If she treats me like I'm already mad, I'll BE mad.
Well, she finally goes to bed, and we all go swimming at Mittens's. I'm home now, and Fam's gone at Mary's for a 4th of July picnic. I'm enjoying the peace. I'm thinking about working on my story, but I'm really tired, so I might just read.
Oh, my car doesn't HAVE to be American, but it IS preffered... I'd prefer NOT to have one, tho, so we shall see.
I need to get my license. ARGH.
Taking a break from working on my book to reflect back on the day's events. Went to the carnival again today with Tiny One, Mittens, and Rose. We had a lot of fun. Rose and I rode the Thunderbolt, and we had a blast. We were laughing hysterically and screaming our heads off and wishing for a camera. Then Mittens and I rode on the Scrambler and got into a squishing contest. After that we all went on the Tilt-o-whirl, and crammed into the same seat, and got it spinning in a constant circle...it was a lot of fun and I think the ride guy was making it longer and faster for us. I was up there yesterday too and rode it twice. I think he recognized me cuz he kept on staring. It was kinda nice. Before the carnival we had a barbeque at Rose's. I brought a fruit tray. It was fun. Rose and I are gonna try to go to the same college. I hope we do, so we can room together and drive each other insane...and probably make each other bloody, LOL.
Must go finish scene in story now.
Rose and I have decided what to tell Alice. You see, she's a useful source, and I don't particularly want to burn down any bridges. So, we've decided to ask her to be a reference on job applications, ask her to (FINALLY!! argh, argh!!!!) register us with the volunteer department... and then tell her we're going to volunteer at the Humane Society so we can explore that aspect of animal care. Sounds reasonable, it keeps her from realizing we're pissed, and everyone's fine and dandy. They're just short two volunteers, but hey, they have one more big locker to give to the REAL employees... ::The very keyboard melts under the bitterness of that thought::
We'll be free. Thank God.
I think Rose and I are going to volunteer at the Humane Society. Neither of us want to stay at the zoo. I think we're going to flat-out tell Alice why we're leaving. The reasons are:
1) We're not registered at the Volunteet Department.
2) We're not learning anything new anymore now that Matt's gone.
3) Ethan's gone. (My personal reason. He was hilarious.)
4) We're taken for granted.
5) They don't take us seriously. ::cue bitterness over whole locker thing::
I'm sad today and I was yesterday, too. Not sure why. it's not just the fact that the days have been horrible. They actually haven't. It's just that the little things have been adding up and making the good stuff unable to make me happy.
Abigale's going home, too. So I have to move and deal with Fam on my own. I'm never sure who starts the fights anymore. That depresses me, too. Because I don't WANT it to be my fault that I'm sad all the time. (But what if it is?)
Tonight Fam suggested that Abigale stay another week, and well...she almost did, but she has stuff to do back home. (I don't blame her, really. And I'm going out there in August, so it's not like it was my last chance to see her.) But while we were talking it over, Fam comes up and tries to talk her out of staying. I don't know why, but it really annoyed me. It seemed like something only Abigale and I should talk about. So I told her to go away, basically. And she huffed off, then came back and told Abigale what she thought anyway, then looks at me and says "Oh, and now Lauren's going to be mad at me."
She assumes. She always assumes. That's what starts it. Why can't I learn to just put up with it? They've told me flat out that they're miserable with me in the house. Sometimes I wonder why they haven't thrown me out.
Ever since I came to live with them people have assumed. That I'm suicidal, angry...that I'm torn apart inside with grief for my mother. They expect me to be a problem child, so they treat me like it before they even get a chance to see what I really am inside. You can't be yourself inside the mold set by everyone around you. Slowly, you bend and twist to its will, and sometimes I wonder if I am finally turning into what they expect. I've been fighting it for over two years now. How much longer do I have to? I hoped that when I moved out here people wouldn't think that of me because they wouldn't know that my mom killed herself. But they knew that I lived with my aunt and uncle and they asked anyway...so it didn't change. Amber told the adults around me, I think, because they all treat me like some fragile glass decoration that will shatter into a million pieces at the slightest motion. I am far stronger than that, but...I just wish that they would realize that I'm not any of the things they think I should be.
Wow. See what happens when I just let my thoughts flow? I'm very angry right now, I guess. Bitter might be the better word. I'm sick of people not seeing me when they look at me. They seem to see what they want to see, and nothing I do changes that image. And when I tell them this, they say I'm just being dramatic and silly and that I'm over-reacting.
Am I?
NOTE TO SELF: Update this banner.