"I heard you were dead."

No, just strung out on Comtrex. Wanna see? Of course you do.


This is me discovering that my hand is still on the door handle. I walked in and slid to the floor because the meds were messing with my sense of balance. Ever felt like you were still and the hall was walking? Yeah, this is what you look like after experiencing that kind of sensation.


Here I am, seeking solace on the floor, because I figured that the more of my body was touching it, the less likely it was that the room would do funky things. I might also have been trying to save my eyes from my roomie's flash, but I can't really remember. This was the fourth pic she took, tho.


Okay, yeah, I was probably getting sick of the flash.


This is me whining at my roomie. As you can see, it didn't work. By this point I am seeing so many spots it isn't even funny...


This is me trying to attack her. As you can tell, she was terrified. Which is why she didn't stop taking the damn photos.


However, once I finally made it to the bed, she decided it was time to stop. Her feet were in range, and she is quite ticklish.

That is all.

So I licked some bald guy's scalp today.

This day wasn't supposed to suck. Which is part of why it is so sucky.

*gives up and goes to bed* In bed by midnight on a Friday. I had a better night life back in STL. As if I already didn't feel like a boring loser.

Well, I had a great day. We got accepted into the house, so next year I get a kitchen. And it's big and looks relatively nice, too.

Also got to hang out with a lot of cool people who I don't usually do things with, and we had a lot of fun.

Then we get back to the dorm and Matt leaves me and Sarah without even fucking saying a word, then comes back stoned and wondered why we were mad. We had plans. I don't care if he wants to cancel. That's fine. Just don't fucking walk off and not tell me.

A hearty fuck you to Basement Matt.

Guess what I got today?

ヂギカメ！

My digital camera!

::EDIT::
Oh, and I dyed my hair again.

I never have any clue when my family is talking to me anymore.

"Lauren!"

...

"LAUREN!!"

...

..."Wren?"

*looks up* "yeah?"

::EDIT BEFORE DINNER::

People like this make me angry: TeeHee! I make more money than all of you! OMG, why so SULKY!

Ugh

Wow, chem lab today could have been so much worse than it was. Had I not managed to catch two math errors, I would have had to do the whole damn thing over. As it is, I got out an hour early.

I am the Queen of Titrations... and the Bitch of Calculations. =/

Chemistry is so good at making me feel so goddamn dumb.

::EDIT AFTER LOTS OF WHIPPED CREAM::
So I just found out that the chem class I'm in is intended for juniors at my uni, but last year the chem department decided to discontinue Chem 111 and bump all us freshies into chem 230 instead. So now we're struggling with stuff the course assumes we already know. People have been crying in lab. It is freaking TERRIBLE.

So the profs tell us the reason why they did it was because it emphasises how necessary accuracy and stuff are with measurements for all the pre-med students. If we're off by 3% bla bla side effects death bla bla bla...and yes, it is a valid point. I want my doctors to be good at that sort of thing. But I am not pre-med.

I wanted to raise my hand and go "Um, I hate people and want to work at a zoo, can I be excused?"

I mean REALLY. The Asian Crested Porcupine isn't going to care if I accidentally give him an extra food pellet. Big biology and higher-level math do not go hand in hand. They don't tango. They don't even say "hi" when they pass each other on the street.

So why the hell am I trying to make them get along in my head?

It's been a while...

And one of my hallmates just asked me to go drinking with him. It's cheap wine, which used to be my fave back in the day when I drank regularly, and I don't know him very well, so it'd be kind of fun.

Then again, I'm so used to not drinking.

Then again, I'm bored, and I know better than to get drunk in some semi-stranger's room. So it's not like I'd wake up in the morning with my pants tying my wrists to his bedpost. *laughs at her shameless story reference*

One glass of port it is, then. *grins*

Stop looking at me like that.

I got roses today. Made me blush.

argh

I can't tell if I have a lot of stuff to do today or not.

Everything Is Everything

Things are gonna change
But not for better
Don't know what it means to me
But it's hopeless, hopeless
Gotta get you home
To be with anyone
I think of what I've done
You know it all

Everything is everything
The more I talk about it
The less I do control
Everything means everything
Can't understand a word
Half of the stuff we're saying

The things I do possess
Sometimes they own me too
Whatta they gone a do to me
If it's hopeless hopeless?
What I can't explain
I'm sure you get it well
And since I always wanted
I always wanted you

Everything is everything
The more I talk about it
The less I do control
Everything means everything
Can't understand a word
Half of the stuff we're saying

Ridin' low, ridin' low
Ridin' faster
This is what I want
Look at what it did to me
Ridin' low, ridin' low
Ridin' faster
This is what you want
This is what you get instead

Ridin' low, ridin' low
Ridin' faster
This is what you want?
I always wanted you

Everything is everything
The more I talk about it
The less I do control
Everything means everything
Can't understand a word
Half of the stuff we're saying

Ridin' low, ridin' low
Ridin' faster
The more I talk about it
The less I do control
Ridin' low, ridin' low
Ridin' faster
Can't understand a word
Half of the stuff we're saying
Ridin' low, ridin' low
Ridin' faster
The more I talk about it
The less I do control
Ridin' low, ridin' low
Ridin' faster
Can't understand a word
Half of the stuff we're saying

*whimpers*

I don't know if it's stress or not, but after writing that last blog post I came down sicker than I have been at all this year. My head feels like it's being squeezed with an industrial rubber band, my lungs are full of fluid, and my entire body feels sick to its stomach. I want you to try to imagine that sensation.

*crawls back in bed* At least I don't have a fever.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Classically articulate, as usual. Since I currently don't have the patience to put up with a one-sided conversation, I'm going to tell you in text exactly why I am so pissed off at you right now that I can't even breathe normally.

First of all, when you tell me that I am at the wrong college and that I could "get a better education somewhere else," you are insulting me in several ways. You are telling me that I can't make good decisions, that I am wasting my time in a place where I am perfectly happy, and that I am wasting my money. Also, it implies that you think I am doing some sort of harm to my future because of this.

And that is why you got told to fuck off and butt out. Don't ever tell me that I am wasting my life in a place I chose-- that I am satisfied with. Do you know how long it has been since I have felt content to be somewhere? Happy to be somewhere? That I BELONG somewhere? And you want me to pick it up and move because you think I'm wrong?

That's rather arrogant of you, really. You're not me. How the FUCK do you know what I need?

"We both know you'd do better as a zoology major." Well, no, we both obviously DON'T, since I am not one. So now you're saying I haven't thought things through. Has it ever occured to you that I went to this school for a reason? Yes, it doesn't have a zoology major. Yes, I fucking took that into account. And I obviously decided that Bio was the better route. No, I am not going to explain myself or my reasoning to you. I don't answer to you.

I'm also mad because you're being completely hypocritical. How miserable are you right now because you let people tell you what was best for you? So why are you trying to do it to me? People have to make their own choices and LIVE by them. How else are you going to find out what you want?

I'm really disappointed. I thought you thought more of me than this. And I'm left wondering what your motives are.

The Fate of my Walls

Methinks I'll get these:



This one is six feet long.



Yay for bandwidth leeching.

Out of town

I'm available by phone.

If I'm not back by Monday, I'm in jail on the charge of murder.

*dances like whoa*

WE FOUND A PROFESSOR! WE FOUND A PROFESSOR!

Now all we have to do is get the committee to okay the house!
YES! YES!

::EDIT BEFORE CHEM TEST::
A little elaboration on that last post.

Well, first. I think my grades are going to turn out a lot better this semester. I'm doing a lot stronger in japanese and bio, and as long as I resist the urge to blow off my seminar class because I hate it, I should be fine, because it's not actually that difficult. So as long as I do REALLY well in thos classes, chem shouldn't matter. Well, I do have to pass it, of course. But.

So more on the house, because I know I haven't told all of you the full story. Our campus owns a ton of houses in the neighborhood, and you can get into them in the lottery, but upperclassmen get first pick, so it can be hard to get in that way. The other way is to start a "Theme House," which is pretty much what is sounds. A group of students with common interests get together, form a house, get a Professor to back them up that it's educational, and do at least four activities a semester. Hell, they give you money to fund the activities. >.>

So my friends and I last semester were joking around about making one, and we recently decided that we're actually going to. So I got the job of being in charge of Comic House. And we finally got a prof, so now we can turn in our application and go in for the interview. We have the house we want picked out. It has one double and three singles, so Sarah and I will be roomies, and everyone else will get a single. Assuming we get the house. >.>

I'm excited! I'll have a kitchen!

...On a less satisfying note, my aunt just called:
"We're not coming up this weekend."
me: *thinking- then why the FUCK did I work my ass off to get stuff done?* "Oh, okay. Are you still sending me my stuff?"
Fam: "I'm sending you some stuff, yes, but not your flute. I couldn't find it."

That's the only fucking thing I wanted. *sighs* Evidently it's packed up. She was the one who packed it. It's just too much effort to get it for me.

Oh, at least she finally ordered my contacts for me. After three fucking months. I have asked her once a month since Novemeber if she would call the Drs. office and do it for me, because between the time zone differences and my classes, I can NEVER. GET. AHOLD. of them. This month she told me yes instead of "no, you need to do it for yourself." (Yes, I'll go ahead and skip classes so I can get my contacts. No fucking thank you.)

*sighs again* off to chem now. I wish this day would decide what the hell it felt like being.

Getting more done than necessary makes it easier to sleep at night. I have the chem report from hell done, and the lab due next Monday, too. Working on finishing Bio lab now, and plan to have pre-labs for next week all done by Friday night. I can't afford to have stuff to do this weekend and next week because life is demanding I be social. Damily wants me to bus and meet them in Seattle sat/sun, and Rupe is coming on Tues.

Oh, right. Two weeks ago you tell me I'm not worth your time and refuse to even TALK to me, and today you call and try to wish me a happy birthday? No, motherfucker. Just no.

Happy Birthday

I found out last night that someone staying up until 3:01 their time so they can call me at 12:01 my time and wish me a happy birthday makes me blush.

I quit.

I find it utterly fucking unfair that I can't find anyone who really understands it when I snap. I listen to everyone else. I care. Why the fuck can't someone figure out that I might need a break sometimes? Everyone else can have bad days or be in bad moods, but when I do it? OH MY FUCKING GOD THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!!!! "Why the fuck is Wren freaking out? She should just calm down and stop being so unreasonable!!" "Jesus, she must be PMSing or something."

I thought about throwing my computer out the window tonight and calling admissions tomorrow to tell them I can't do this anymore. Trying to explain why, however, is a lost cause for most people. "Shh. You're smarter than you think." "If you're feeling so swamped, why not just take a break?"

Motherfuckers, to take a break, you need to be able to find TIME. Just because I'm done with the day doesn't mean it is done with me. And it isn't about intelligence. It is about me keeping my sanity, asshole.

When I'm upset enough to actually need to talk to someone about something, you MORONS, chances are it's pretty fucking important to me. So of COURSE I'm gonna get pissy and burst a blood vessel if I feel like I'm getting blown off.

And the worst thing about it? I get angry, and blow off some steam? I feel guilty. Even if I think I'm justified in my anger, I always end up feeling bad for feeling it.

So now here I am, pissed off, worn out, exhausted mentally and emotionally,fighting the flu, with still more work I have to do...and I'm crying because I feel bad for getting upset. Even typing this post is making me feel so guilty I want to delete it. The guilt is going to prevent me from sleeping tonight.

Sometimes I really hate the way I work. Why the fuck can't it be about how much things suck for ME, for once? I'm sick of having to put how I feel on the back burner because I don't have time to deal with my own problems. Every single time I have a busy and stressful day, without FAIL, someone I know and care about decides to burden me with something. "I hate my life."

Or: "I'm in love with you."

Oh, and this was a good one: "You're a waste of my time. I don't want to talk to you anymore."

And this was an entire fucking MONTH of confusion: "I'm bi. Let's make out. No, wait, I'm not. Sorry to keep making you adjust."

And this has happened a few times: "I'm mad at you, but I'm going to lie about it every time you ask me."

And then the family goes and makes it all better: "Since when do you get what you want for your birthday?"

I go through all that, and when it's time for a "Hey, I think I'm going insane because I have more stuff to get done than I have time to get it done in, who wants to help me destress by listening?" I get hit with "I don't want to talk to you online anymore." Or a casual "Oh, you'll get over it."

And then there are the people who don't always manage to figure out that I'm upset who do things like this: "Sorry, I have to go watch the TV/play FFXII/oh, am I online? because I'm really three fucking floors AWAY and I'm not gonna come back until you've lost the will to talk about it."

And from my family? "You are such a melodramatic teenager. Wait until you get immersed in real life." Or, someone else is having just a bad time of it as I am and I don't feel like I should burden them with my problems.

And it's not like I want to stop talking to anyone or stop listening to my friends. I love all of you. That's why I get so frustrated when I feel like I can't give you the attention you deserve, pass all my classes, eat, sleep, and manage to keep a shred of sanity.

I'm sick of this. To do what I want to do with my life, I need to be a Bio major, but to get my major I have to get rid of my life. I can either completely cut myself off from fun and the people I care about for the next four years, or I can major in something else and hate my career. Either way, I'm eventually going to snap.

*collapses* I have a headache. I am so goddamn done with everything.

lyrics. not for me this time.

I will light the match this mornin’, so I won’t be alone
Watch as she lies silent, for soon night will be gone
Oh, I will stand arms outstretched, pretend I’m free to roam
Oh, I will make my way, through, one more day in hell...
How much difference does it make
How much difference does it make, yeah...

I will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
Oh, I’ll keep takin’ punches until their will grows tired
Oh, I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind hey,
I won’t change direction, and I won’t change my mind
How much difference does it make
Mmm, how much difference does it make...how much difference...

I’ll swallow poison, until I grow immune
I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
How much difference (2x)
How much difference does it make (2x)

The Sign on the Dorm Door

Yeah. We're both sick today. So is half the dorm.

::EDIT::
Yay for taking matters into my own hands and finally changing my bank address to where I'm the one getting my statements and mailings, and not my worthless family.

Also yay for credit card. Which will be used for gas and all online transactions and paid off at the end of each month. I need to start building good credit since I want to be on my own ASAP. =_=;

Me: "That's the only thing I want. I don't want anything else."
Fam: "Since when should you get what you want for your birthday?"

...

*wilts* My mistake, I guess. You didn't seem to think it was a problem two months ago when I first told you what I wanted.

Fucker.

I may have time to nap today.

::EDIT AFTER CLASSES:: No.
TO DO:
1) finish editing those papers. The first one took me about twenty minutes. There are three more. So that means it should take about an hour to do all this.3:03PM
2) Look over the dialogue and define stuff for Japanese. Make new kanji flashcards and start memorizing the readings. This will take an hour and a half. 4:29PM
3) Finish recopying chem notes. This will take an hour.6:20PM
4) Make bio flashcards about the Eras and periods and all the fun stuff that happened in them. Will take about 45 min.5:35PM including twenty minute break to go to meeting. Which was cancelled.
5) Work out. Just bikes today, so won't take too long; maybe 45 minutes.WHEE!
6) Attend the meeting about theme houses for next year. Will probably take an hour.FUCKERS.
7) Laundry.

Digging out of my hole

Today is another fantastic day. It's even warm. Well...comparatively. I have my jacket off.

It's a great day for field work. I'm so happy my bio lab is today.