How to end up in the dog house

Me: "Oh, did I tell you Mr. K proposed to me?"
The Boy: *aghast* "No!"
Me: "Yeah. We're supposed to get married."
The Boy: "Was he serious?"
Me: "Oh my God, of course not!"
The Boy: "Well, I mean, he is kind of an idiot."

He's lucky I decided that was funny.

I love my vet

They send out monthly e-mails. This one's intro sentence: "We can tell spring is here because people are wearing sunglasses with their umbrellas."

So true.

iTunes puts the hot in relationships

The Boy and I are flopped on the bed, listening to music.

*new song queues*
Me: *twitches spastically to the beat*
Boypillow: "Hey, don't dance so sexily!"
Me: *stare*
Me: "You were raised by circus clowns, weren't you?"

*giggle*

The Boy, at about 3AM, woke me up to tell me the following:

Boy: "I like flamethrowers!"
Me: "Oh, really? Which kind do you like?"
Boy: "The ones with nozzles."
Me: "Honey, why are we talking about flamethrowers?"
Boy:* giggles* "I dunno!"
Me: "Why don't you go back to sleep."
Boy: "Kay!" *rolls over and promptly begins to snore.*

He talks in his sleep a lot, and it will never stop being adorable.

I love these people.

While at the National Science Teacher's Association convention:

*Room 204 has run out of chairs, but there is still half a lecture hall of space free. Some teachers begin sitting on the floor. Other, more enterprising individuals, invade the next room, where there is a plethora of chairs but a dearth of attendees. Soon, there is a steady stream of people looping from one room to the other, chairs in hand*

Woman with wild hair: "I feel like an ant."
Tall man: *stops cold* "You know, I was just thinking that!"
Me: "Yeah, me too."
*chorus of agreement from the crowd*
Woman with wild hair: *Laughs* "You can tell we're all science people!"
Me: "No we're not, we're leafcutter ants!"
*chorus of agreement from the crowd*
Mr K: "Wait, what's up?"

For reference, we're talking about these guys:

The worst thing anyone has ever said to me:

"I honestly think more people than you know like you. I mean, I liked you for a long time but couldn't say a damn thing because I had no confidence I could keep you interested. Your intelligence is more intimidating than your wit, though wit comes with the territory of being intelligent sometimes..."


I cannot explain how horrible this makes me feel.

If we are placed together when we're assigned to new mentors, he is not going to survive

*Mr K has spent the morning yawning, rubbing at his face, making congested snorting noises, and scratching at his head*

Me: "You're grosser than usual today."
*Mr K removes his overshirt, exposing a wifebeater, and flops down onto the floor, perhaps intending to do pushups. I am attacked by a waft of near-tangible colognesmell as his overshirt hits the chair beside me*

Me: "WTF"
Matt: *shrug*
*I take Kainoa's wallet, which he has left on the table near my right elbow, and dig through it. Two IDs and some cash. After a moment's thought, I start throwing dollar bills at him. He looks up, bemused, and then of course gets thrilled that I am treating him like a stripper.*

Hot Girl on Other Side of Classroom: *grinning* "Can we go upstairs? Wren is throwing money over there and it is really distracting me."
Me: "Sorry!" *Hurls Mr. K's wallet after the money, hitting him smack in the ear. He realizes it was his own money and crumples.*

*Later, in next class*

Mr. K: *Sits down next to me* "Blah blah blah blah?"
Me: "Sorry, what?"
Mr. K: "Blah blah blah blah?"
Me: "K, it's loud in here. What was that?"
Mr. K: ""Blah blah--"
Me: "I lied. I don't care."
Mr. K: ... ...
Mr. K: "YOU ARE HEINOUS."
Me: "Good word!"
Mr. K: "I have never been dissed as hard as you dissed me just then. I cannot believe I just repeated myself back to you three times!"
Me: "Never? Oh, K. You are in for a lot of emotional pain if you keep sitting next to me."
Mr K: "Dude, I sit down next to you willingly every day. I find your spot!"
Me: "Trust me, I know."

My claws are coming back

*Teacher takes a copy of a chapter and lays it about the perimeter of a room. Sciency kids cluster around and start inspecting the layout of the book*

Me: "I'll start down here if Mr. K will scoot a little."
Mr K: *runs into me with his shoulder*
Me: "I will elbow you in the kidney, so help me."
Mr K: "Make me pee blood?"
Me: "It will be a growing experience."
Mr K: "A groin experience. Pardon the pun."

*pause*
Me: "That's not a pun."
Mr K: "No! See, it's wordplay. "Elbow you in the kidney, growing experience, but it's a groin experience, too. Growing, groin? See?"
Me: "I love how you just repeated back to me everything we just said. The instant replay is amazing, but that's still not a pun."
Mr K: "Wow."
Me: "Wow?"
Mr K: "I'm not talking to you anymore." *takes a few steps away*
Me: "Finally."

Hah.

Mr. K: "Hey Wren, can you work my Thursday swing for me?"
Matt: "He has a date to go see Phantom."
Mr. K: "I am willing to trade sexual favors."
Me: *thumbs up* "Excellent. But, that seems like a bad idea if you're going on a date, K."
Mr. K: *face falls* "Oh, right. That's a good point."
Mr. K: "I'll let you know if I make it to second base."
Me: "You do that."

More Sentences I Thought I'd Never Say:

"Eli, Adolfo is not a drum."

Epiphanies like these are why I plan on teaching

Squeaker: I am not angry, I am just angry around you.
Feeney: thats not true, you're angry around a lot of people and you know it
Squeaker: Okay, you're not special. I stand corrected.
Feeney: My mom says I'm special
Squeaker: Mine used to when she was alive.
*long pause*
Feeney: you have a gift of making people uncomfortable
Squeaker: Oh, I am aware. :D

In other news, I just found a pair of boxers under my bed. I have no idea whose they are or how they got there. But, they're a really cool fabric, so I'm planning on adding them to the stash of clothing I own that wasn't originally mine.

It was like being head-butted by a baby Yeti.

Tom, Peter, and I are driving back in Peter's truck from dinner at The Ram. Tom is bitch. Peter turns a corner, and then keeps going on down a straight road. During turn, Tom smooshes into me and then stays there with his hair tickling my neck and the side of his face against my chest. I tolerate this for a moment, then:

Me: "Tom, hon, you're squishing me."
Tom: *jerks back into upright position* "Sorry! Centrifugal force."
Peter: "We need to call Stephen Hawking, Tom, because you clearly have your own source of gravity. This is a straight road."
Me: "Opportunistic gravity?"
Tom: -_-
Peter: XD
*Peter makes another turn, and Tom rams into me again vindictively.
Me: "...please don't squish my sandwich."
Tom: XD
Peter: "That's two excellent turns of phrase in under a minute!"

Sleep deprivation is lovely.

So I went into Blockbuster to pick up a couple of movies. (I recently decided to give Sunshine another go now that I am mentally prepared for the suicide scene.) I search the New Release wall, Action, Drama, and Horror sections, but cannot find it. Fine. Time to plead.

Dude: "Ready to check out?"
Me: "No, actually, I was trying to find Sunshine, but didn't see it on the wall."
Dude: "Hmmm."
Computer: We have it in!
Dude: "Well, it's definitely on the wall."
Me: "I'll look again. It's very likely I am blind--I've been up for like 28 hours."
Dude: "Sleep blindness is a valid excuse! I'll come help!" :)

Movie found, we amble to the front and begin the check-out process. Daryl walks over, grinning like an idiot.

Daryl: "Wren, guess what I just saw for rent! 2015: Doomsday, the movie.
Dude: "Do you know what it's about?"
Daryl: "Yeah, that's when the Mayan calendar ends."
Dude: *lots of in-depth calendar info here*
Daryl: "But the funny thing is...the calendar is cyclical, so really it probably just starts over again."
Me: "Yeah, but the sensationalist aspect is so much better. After all, I can't justify skipping classes on Friday to go see The Dark Knight if a huge asteriod isn't going to destroy the world in seven years!"
Dudette: *hysterical laughter*
Dude: "That is an excellent rationalization."
Me: "Anyway, if my professor gives me crap I'll just ask him 'why so serious?'"
Dude: ...
Dude: "Nerd!" :D
Me: "Oh, indeed."

I've been wired all week!

Daryl and I go out to lunch everyday between my class and his. We were waiting to pull back into the Student Center parking lot from off-campus. A girl in a pink shirt was waiting to cross the street. Traffic was oncoming.

Daryl: "I can has turn?"(YES I AM A BAD INFLUENCE)
*oncoming car stops for pedestrian. She gives a look of O__o and then hops across the street. Vigorously.*
Wren: "Don't worry, honey. We only stopped so we could watch your chest bounce as you walked."
Daryl: "..."
Daryl: "You. Are Such. A. BAD PERSON!"
Wren: "What? It's true!"
Daryl: "The thought didn't cross my mind!"
Wren: "You're not straight."
Daryl: "Neither are you!"
Wren: "Nope, I'm just easily distracted by anything pretty that moves."

Later, we are eating lunch in his truck when we see one of our coworkers, Awkward Turtle, walking across campus.

Daryl: "Oh God, there she is!"
Wren: "Do I bounce like that when I walk?"
Daryl: "No."
Wren: "You'd tell me, right?"
Daryl: "Yes."
Wren: "Because she looks like an orangutan."

*minutes pass*

Wren: "There she is again!"
Daryl: "Where?"
Wren: "How can you miss her? She's the four-wheeling pogo stick at four-o-clock!"
Daryl: *aghast* "You are SO going to--to come back as something inhuman!"
Wren: "No, because I am being observant of my surroundings! This is the first step!"
Daryl: "Wren!"
Wren: "What? Nothing I am saying is inaccurate!"
Daryl: "I know, but it is very wrong!"

What happens when you discuss drugs with a disapproving Wren

Mike: you are probably all shaking your head at me
Wren: not really
Mike: it's what you usually do though
Wren: that's just your paranoia talking
Mike: seems like you get into mommy mode when i talk of doing bad things :P
Wren: sod off.
Mike: the brits are rubbing off on you
Wren: I like it when they rub off on me.
Mike: ewww
Wren: I love me.
Mike: no. that line was just gross
Wren: you're the one who read into it.
Mike: you definitely didn't mean that to be harmless
Mike: you intended to be very harmful and awful!
Wren: ^-^
Wren: semen: my anti-drug.
Wren: *runs awaaaaay*
Mike: aghahgashgalsghasdflgk
Mike: I HATE YOu*

*that lowercase u was when his brain snapped, I think.

How to have my day in several steps

1) Write this into your final paper:

When Beowulf first plans to meet Grendel in combat, he goes into graphic detail regarding the violent and painful nature of his own death, should he fail:

Nor need'st thou then

to hide my head; for his I shall be,

dyed in gore, if death must take me;

and my blood-covered body he'll bear as prey,

ruthless devour it, the roamer-lonely,

with my life-blood redden his lair in the fen;

no further for me need'st food prepare! (446-452)

Beowulf is well aware that should he die, it will likely be painful, but he seems perfectly sanguine about this (literally, perhaps), and even seems to have a sense of humor concerning the entire ordeal.

2) Hear this from Daryl:

"I'm sorry, I just can't see you as a stripper! You look too classy!"

3) Get into a fight with a drunk girl at work:

"Security, this is Wren."
"Um, hi. I need to be let into my room."
"What's your name?"
"Um, [First name]."
"And your last name?"
"Um, [Last name]."
"Can you spell that?"
"Um, [zkfbadslfbasllmumble]."
"...And where are you locked out of?"
"I don't remember the room number, but I live in [dorm.]"
"...Hold please."
*Computer tells me she lives in a completely different dorm than she wants let into. She is informed I am talking to my boss to try and see if there is any way we can figure out where she belongs. She's on hold a grand total of two minutes before she hangs up and calls back.*

"Security, this is Wren..."
"Hi, I REALLY need to be let into my room."
"I know, and getting you in there would be a lot easier if you could actually remember your room number. I'm putting you back on hold."

Luckily, then my boss showed up to save the day and dealt with her himself.

Oh, indeed.

Maddo: “Your sandwich is so gross.”

Wren: “Shut up. You're the one with Sex Stomach.”

Maddo: “You just wish you had Sex Stomach.”

Wren: “No, I just wish I had sex.”

Maddo: “That's the general idea. If you don't have Sex Stomach, you were doing it wrong.”

Wren: “Maddo, we've had this conversation. I know all about post-sex hurt. You're talking to the Queen Bee of Masochism.”

Maddo: “...ew. Bees.”

In 24 hours we know if we got the apartment

Me: "I think we have this."
Matt: "Yeah, I agree!"
Me: "It's like this is God saying 'I don't really hate you, I just really like watching you squirm, so here's something nice to squirm in.'"
Car: *silence*
Me: "Oh, that was wrong."
Matt: "So, do tell!"

Don't worry. Usually, we're talking about sex.

Me: Oh, damn. Really light headed all of a sudden.

Andy: meds?

Me: uh-huh

Andy: that sucks hun Im sorry

Me: It's okay. My liver's not failing. That's another possible side-effect!

Me: (That's less reassuring than it sounded in my head)

Andy: XD I know you'll be alright

Andy: I feel bad you get sick and hurt so much but I know youll be alright

Me: Thank you. For the concern and the faith. ^-^

Me: I'll be healthy one day. And then I will have a picnic!

Andy: yes!

Andy: and there will be ants XD

Me: Ants > tachycardia.

Andy: Hahahaha!!! You should write that down.

Me: I was considering blogging it.

Bitch.

Wren: "We could always just lie."
Maddo: "Matt is a convincing liar."
Wren: "So am I!"
Maddo: "Yeah, but it's more surprising coming from Matt."
Wren: "...HEY!"
Daryl: *sporfle*