*snerk*

Unc forgot my birthday.

I got a call from him at 1150 his time, and he left a very apologetic voicemail that didn't outright say he forgot, but made me suspicious.

The dozen red roses I received from him the next day, though? Those screamed guilt.

A word to the wise, guys: Flowers mean you fucked up or you're guilty about something.

She's been calling everyone "the little people."

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Pre-flight jitters

Animals fed and watered? Yes.
Cages and litterboxes clean? Yes.
Trash ready to be taken out? Yes.
Packed? Yes.
Meds? Yes.
Chargers? Yes.
iPod? Yes.

On the verge of a nervous breakdown and about to cry? Oh God yes.

This is what conflict looks like.

I'm doing laundry and cleaning the house in preparation for me leaving at 3AM, and all I can really do is stare out the window and hope it snows more.

On the one hand, presents.

On the other hand, peace.

I am a bad person.

::EDIT::
I changed my mind. Fam has been calling since 5AM. I am not a bad person. I am a cranky, sleep-deprived person!

Interesting.

So I e-mailed my family and told them there's a chance I may not make it in for Christmas. Their reaction then was to tell me I was overreacting. "I've seen the news--you guys didn't get that much snow."

Well, today Aunt K's plane was cancelled. So they call again and say "hey, how are the roads? Do you think you'll make it in?"

When I honestly answer "I have no idea," I get two responses.

1. "You're being awfully pessimistic."
2. "But we got you presents!"

Neither of those seem quite right...

More E-mail Fun

From: Wren
To: Fam:

Subject: Christmas Day

Are we still doing breakfast? If so, I should bring some Fisher's scone mix. Washington is famous for these scones.

---

From: Fam
To: Lauren

Subject: Re: In which I prove I am a dumbass

Yes, please bring some. I love scones. I was thinking of doing a turkey and the whole thing for you and me and Claire. Would you rather ham?

---

No. No, I do not want ham. Why? Because not only have I not eaten ham for the past seven years, but I do not feel like spending my Christmas Night desperately hugging the toilet.

Please, please click this. If it is at all unclear to those uninitiated into my family, I am asking Unc, Fam, and [Wife] if "my little sisters" have a Christmas list so I can buy them something without using any precious brain cells in thought.

So why, why, WHY is Fam doing... that?

It seems oddly familiar.

And people wonder why I never want to go back to Saint Louis. That, whatever that is, is far worse in person.

This was CLEARLY a mistake.

The wedding is today. I went upstairs to meet everyone, and stumbled across Unc's sister, K.

K: "Oh. I didn't know you were going to be here..."
Me: "Yep." *walks off*

I don't know anyone from the party. Current plans are to see the wedding, steal bbq and a cupcake, and disappear downstairs into the basement until they all leave.

And then it started raining. And you know you've been in the PNW for too long when you see the rain and go "So...?" I figured we'd just move the food inside and have the ceremony there, too.

Nope. [Girlfriend] starts crying and runs upstairs, leaving the wedding cake to its own devices.

---

Another crisis. The storm clears up, we have lovely ceremony by the pool. Unc decides kids can swim after they are done eating and turns on pool slide. Pool slide sends out jet of water and douses uncut wedding cake. [Girlfriend's] shrieks of rage enlighten me to the problem while I am devouring a successfully filched cupcake. I leap in front of cake with arms outstretched, half-eaten cupcake in one hand, and get soaked. Am now spared any pictures with the photographer, and nommy dessert is safe. Mission is personally considered huge success.

As I am ducking back in to change shirts, am waylaid by small, unfamiliar boychild.

Child: "Do yoo like puh-ple?"
Me: "Nope." (This is a reflex response by now--I honestly wasn't intending to be a bitch.)
*candid stare* "Den why is yourw hairw and shirt puh-ple?"
Me: "Shampoo accident." *flees for basement*

Smart kid.

This is shaping up to be an absolutely hysterical day.

They CAN be taught!

Me: "Bet you money my family doesn't return my call today even though I left them a message saying they had to."
Fourive People: "Hell no. I am not insane."

Excellent work!

Post spam.

I've posted six billion times today, but so much crap keeps happening.

Family:
Unc agrees that aunt is being total prat about the tuition/loan business. I've spent the day looking for other signs of the apocalypse, but none have been forthcoming.

Fam was going to make me take a taxi to the airport tomorrow, but [girlfriend] offered to drive me instead. Fam found out about this and insisted that she was perfectly fine with taking me all along, really. We are now going out to ice cream like one big happy family so she can re-assert her dominion in my frame of existence.

Beowulf:
The paper is supposed to be six pages long. Holy crap. I'm already 1/3 of the way done and I'm not even into my content yet.

One of us has to be insane. That's the only explanation.

There's nothing quite like being woken up by stupidity. I am currently working off four hours of sleep, but am too angry to go to bed. Can you guess why?

You don't really need to.

My family has been notoriously bad about actually remembering to send tuition money. Granted, I'm still glad they are paying for my Uni and weren't letting me take out any student loans, but all of that was at their insistence, so I am a little upset at them today.

Last night I got a call at 10PM. Apparently the university called Unc and told him that if UPS didn't get a check by today, they were going to drop me from all my classes. He calls Fam, Fam calls me.

"You need to call them tomorrow and talk to them about student loans."
"Okay, I will, but you need to call them too, because regardless of the loan, they are still going to need money tomorrow."
"Hey, don't get pissy."
"Forgive me for being a little upset that they are threatening to kick me out my last semester. I happen to know someone this happened to."
"Well, maybe they didn't pay their tuition. How much is your tuition this semester?"
"I'm trying to check, but the internet is being slow. Hold on. Ugh, I don't even know what number I have to call."
"You know what? Maybe I'll just call. You sound a little ignorant."

Yes, why don't you just call? After all, you're the one who has to arrange the payments. Having me contact them would just be silly. "O hai University, I hear you want money, should my family call you? Yes? Kay, thanks! :D" Waste of everyone's time.

So where is this going? I'm pretty sure you know where this is going. I just got a call from Fam.

"I called them, and I am sending you a check to give to them directly on Monday."
"Okay, will do."
"You have to give it to them then, or they won't let you attend this semester."
"Of course."
"They're open from 9AM to 3PM that day."
"Okay, I'll stop by first thing."
"I also have to tell you I am a little perturbed at you for not calling Wednesday about the loans like I asked you to."
"...What."
"Thanks to you I have had to scramble--"
"Hey, Fam?"
"What."
"Thanks for doing everything you can to make sure I actually get to go to college this semester." -.- (Thankfully, she didn't catch the sarcasm.)
"Well, you're welcome, but you need to start taking responsibility for onc-"
*click*

Oh yes, she went there. She, who I have been telling needed to pay my tuition since the sixth, and who kept not requesting the money from the fund, she is telling me I need to take responsibility for once. She, who can't be arsed to send insurance cards my way, get me packages on time, or generally manage to give half a damn about my existence, is telling me I need to take some responsibility.

For once.

Excuse me. Who the fuck just spent two months dealing with doctors, and is now scrambling to get everything done for her classes so she isn't behind in life? Who the fuck usually ends up paying for her own medicine, her own copays, and her own school supplies since "we don't have as much money as we used to?" Who the fuck got all her graduate exams done during this and did well? Who has had a job since sophomore year so she was guaranteed to have the money for when her family inevitably fucked up? Who is dealing with adjusting to two chronic conditions, and despite all this, is doing decently in school? Who has had an amazing credit rating since she was 16?

Yes. I clearly need to start taking some responsibility, for once. I've been leeching off them for years, after all. I'm always back in Saint Louis, and I never do anything on my own. My poor, fucking put-upon aunt has to drop what she is doing constantly and bail me out of my messes. Because that's what this is, you know. It's not her mess. It's not their mess. It's my mess, because I didn't call to ask about student loans.

News flash, honey. Loans do not come from fairies, unicorns, goblins in dank caves, or any other supernatural source capable of materializing items out of its ass. You cannot call on the phone and say "Hurr, ah needs a loan," and then magically get funding. There's paperwork, which I have already filled out, which means there will be paperwork to undo that paperwork. And then the money has to come from a source, which means that source has to have time to get the money to the university. Now, I know this, which is why I am perfectly aware that had I called on Wednesday we would still be having this problem today. Take your own goddamn advice next time, and let me stay asleep. I do not need this shit from you.

At least this is the last time I will ever be forced to rely on them for anything. Summer semester and grad school are my responsibility. I have never been happier to go into debt.

On the plus side, they're paying for this semester. I have a feeling the office told her what I've been saying all along about what happens when you decline a loan. The fact that I was right seems to have been more than she could maturely handle.

Well, I am certainly awake now.

I think I'll have a heart attack and die from that surprise.

Fam asked me out to dinner tonight. I should have been suspicious. If I had been, my misgivings would have been validated by the two-hour long whinge about money I was forced to sit through. I asked for her help shipping a few small boxes to the PNW since my suitcases would be full. Help, mind. I offered to pay half, but told her I didn't want to spend money unless I had to because I didn't have any money right now. (I won't till February, and my first full paycheck will be in March.)

"Well hasn't Unc given you money? He said he gave you money."
"Yes, he has been paying for my gas, my groceries, and the books I needed for my final papers."
"Oh. Well, I'm buying you clothes tomorrow, and I gave you spending money already."
"I know. I used it to pay my bills."
"I just don't know how much more money I can give you."

Two minutes later, she's bitching about how her car is in the shop because she backed into a trash can and scratched the paint. That, there? That's an essential repair.

Then, at dinner, the student loans.
"So, my payment was due on the 5th."
"Oh, how much will it be?"
"I don't know."
"I usually pay eight or nine thousand. How much will it be?"
"I'm not sure. That is the extent of my knowledge."
"Well, you don't have to be snippy!"
"You asked me the same question twice in a row. Is my answer supposed to change?"
"Well. By the way, have you looked into loans yet?"
"No, you told me I'd be paying for summer semester."
"Well, your college fund is almost empty."
"Unfortunately, I have declined student loans this year, by your request."
"I told you this a week ago." (Yes, because that's relevant. )
"I can always take a loan out through my bank."
"Well, a Stafford loan would have less interest."
"Yes, but I declined the Stafford loan, like you told me to."
"Oh, well, you may need to get a loan from somewhere else."
"Oddly enough, that's what I was thinking."

And then finally, when we were discussing birth control. (Quite against my will, mind.)

"I really just want to get an ablation."
"Would they do that for you? I'm surprised they gave you an IUD."
"They didn't have a choice on that one. Anyway, they know I don't want to have kids."
"Oh, wait until you're 35 before deciding anything. You might change your mind!"
"I doubt it. First of all, pregnancy with fibromyalgia is reportedly excruciating. Secondly, being unmedicated, bipolar, AND hormonal for nine months doesn't sound like a picnic. Then, there's the postpartum depression because of my medication. Bipolar people are put on suicide watch after birth. Then, I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. Anyway, I think it's irresponsible to have children knowing what horrible genetic problems I could be giving them. I don't want to knowingly give my offspring bipolar disorder."
"Well, you should talk to a geneticist about that. The chances of me giving Claire my depression disorder were really low."
"Yes, but that's not even in the same league as bipolar I disorder. People with my problem have a tendency to go insane. You know what happened to mom."
"Yes, I do. And you know, from a family perspective, I'm really glad you got treated. You've been really pleasant to be around this time, and I'm sure you think we're a lot more tolerable, too."
"Uh-huh."

I wish the sighs I heaved had mass and heat-seeking capabilities. I would totally punch people with my breath.

What.

I have met a girl that makes MiniFam seem polite. In fact, MiniFam may be becoming more polite because of her.

Both of these girls received easily $1k worth of presents at the ripe age of seven. MiniFam loved them all, but all the other brat did was complain about getting "an ugly iPod."

YOU ARE SEVEN. You are lucky you HAVE an iPod! No. You shouldn't have an iPod, because you are going to lose it or break it in about two seconds. Holy crap.

If I am woken up at 7AM to watch two rabid brats tear through paper ever again I am going to maim someone. This family misses the point of this damn holiday, and are creating two of the most spoiled brats ever to terrorize Saint Louis. At least MiniFam knows she is spoiled. Maybe she'll end up all postmodernist like I did.

I AM GOING TO BED.

Haaaate.

Saturday is going to be a disaster.

Unc's stupid twat of a receptionist booked the wrong flight for me home, so I will now be flying from Seattle to fucking Dallas/Fort Worth before heading in to Saint Louis. To make matters worse, I have just been informed that neither of them will be picking me up at the airport.

MiniFam will "be asleep," and Unc will be "out with [stripper who is as old as I am.]"

Nice to see you guys, too.

Peachy.

I was informed today that both Fam and Unc will be out of town on Christmas Eve and Day, meaning I will be spending the holiday at home alone.

One of these things is not like the other...

Me: "I've been in the ER three times in five days."
Comic House: NOOO D:
Professors: !!! D:
Maddo's Mother: I MAKE IT BETTER WITH MATERIAL GOODS D:
People I Barely Know: D:
My Doctors: o.O;; "What the shit is up with this girl's stomach?"


My Aunt and Uncle: "Are you sure it's not just a bladder infection?"

. . .yes.

*insert the sound of every cell in my body screaming in rage*

I went to pick up my prescriptions today, and had to pay for them all out of pocket.

Why? Because my insurance card expired on the 30th, and Unc didn't see fit to send me a replacement.

So now I have to get him to send me a new one. When I called him, I could barely speak to him over the crying of his new daughter (courtesy of the stripper girlfriend), whose name is apparently Bridget, and whose existence has yet to be admitted to me by him. (He and my grandpa need to get together and have tea.)

Does anyone see the problem with this?

People keep calling me "diplomatic"

Really, I've just come to terms with the futility of getting angry at my family. If anything, it makes them even less willing to fix their fuck-ups than does my current stance of annoyed apathy.

Unc is the one who told me I couldn't stay at our summer houses while I was waiting to move in to the apartment. Ironically, Unc is also the one who never deposited any money for the hotel into my bank account. This means that last Tuesday my account overdrafted for almost 300 dollars. Granted, this is what I get for trusting him and not checking my bank account more carefully the day they were supposed to have given me my money. Then again, I didn't realize that he could be so incompetent as to be unable to perform the three mouse clicks necessary to transfer funds from his account to mine. I mean, I knew he was lazy, but that lazy?

Last Tuesday was a lovely blur of stress and rage. It took me four hours to get ahold of him. In fact, I wasn't the one who got ahold of him at all, which suggests he was avoiding me. Fam called him and told him about the overdraft, which caused him to realize that he'd never deposited the money. Her response to this was "you call her yourself and tell her what happened." So he did. I told him that I had with the overdraft on my credit card, but I still had a -$40 bank account summary. He apologized and told me he was going to put the money in. I breathed a sigh of relief, took a nice long bath, and went to bed happy.

Wednesday: no money in my account! Overdraft fees are starting to accrue, and I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I will be able to feed myself. I call him twice, and get no answer.

Thursday: no money in my account! I call Fam and ask her what's going on, and she says that he told her he had deposited the money. I tell her that the opposite appears to be true, and that I now have over $100 in overdraft fees.

Friday: Unc finally answers. He's on his fucking yacht at the lake, and admits to me that he has not deposited the money. Why? "I was having computer problems."

...

Several responses ran through my head at this point. First, "Odd, I was having problems buying food!" I also wanted to ask whether or not his two days had been so astoundingly busy that he hadn't been able to trot his ass into a bank or a fucking library to deposit the money. I understand that yachting is incredibly necessary in his line of work (after all, nothing quite screams "Professional Assclown" like a yachting hat), but would the world have ended had he stepped off the deck for two seconds? And, a courtesy call telling me " Hey, I am too lazy to deposit your money, I hope you have food!" would have been nice. But, I say none of these things. A bit wearily, I ask him when he thinks he will be able to deposit the money.

"Tonight." All right. I go to bed again, albeit a bit mistrustfully.

Saturday: no money. Unc is not answering his cell phone. Again.

Sunday: see above. I now have $155 in overdraft charges, and have been buying groceries with my credit card. The fact that I actually can still provide food for myself is comforting, but one should never have to put groceries on a credit card.

Monday: Unc answers his phone. "I deposited almost $1000 into your account." "Well, it's not there. Maybe because it was a weekend, but I have a feeling that's not it. I'll call you tomorrow and let you know."

And here we are, one week later! I call him this morning to inform him that I now have $200 in overdraft charges, and he takes it upon himself to get onto the bank website as we are speaking."what does your bank account end in?" I tell him. There is a pause. "That's the problem! I put the money in my savings account!"

What.

At least I have money again. He gave me twice what I asked for out of guilt, so I can't really complain. I just wish he didn't think every problem can be fixed by throwing money at it. The fact that he couldn't fucking remember to make sure that I had a roof over my head is a little upsetting.

I knew it was a mistake before I called.

Me: *ring! ring*
Fam: *answers angrily* Look, I know I haven't deposited the money for the hotel yet! I'll do it first thing tomorrow!
Me: ...What?
Fam: Aren't you calling about the money?
Me: ...No, I was calling to wish you a Happy Mother's Day...
Fam: ...Oh.

And here is what happens in a world NOT dominated by sanity...

I recently discovered that I will have no home from May 14 to June 1. Everyone I know will be out of town, so there will be no crashability. Not a problem, though, right? After all, my family owns houses on Hood Canal.

Well, apparently it is a problem, because they're not letting me stay there.

That's right-- instead of letting me stay at a house they OWN, they are paying $1K to put me up at an ExtendedStay.

Buh.