Life, you're not funny.

So everyone I know is coming down with mono. This would be fine, because I love commiserating with friends, except now there are going to be more annoying rumors at work. Observe:

Dispatcher: "So apparently Feeney has mono."
Dispatcher 2: *raises eyebrow at me* "Oh, really?"
Me: "Oh, that's just fucking peachy."
Dispatcher: "What?"
Me: "I have mono."
Dispatcher 2: "See, I told you we'd find out who you've been kissing."
Me: "Yes. Feeney and I make out every day. Any time I am not here, we're swapping saliva."

Bossman Prime: *from over the cubicle* "Who now?"
Me: "Feeney."
Bossman Prime: *snort* "Oh. Riiiight!" *re-lurks*
Office: XD

At least one person has it figured out. And, at least I don't work with him anymore so there can't be any "OMG they make out at work guys!" rumors.

Belated HR Update

So HR is taking the Christmas Decoration Debacle very seriously. They are treating it as a religious discrimination case, and as soon as my letter of complaint is formalized will turn it into a formal review, which means at the very least a letter in her permanent file.

In the meantime, I am convincing my fellow students to go to HR for other reasons, since she seems determined to piss off and walk all over everyone on the staff. For someone that rants about respect, she's not very good at treating us with any.

In short? She's in trouble. Hopefully this will encourage her to talk calmly before swan diving into our throats.

Work: The Musical!

Wren: "Nine in the bed and the little one said"
Dispatcher: "Roll over, roll over!"
Both: "So they all rolled over and one fell out!"

*Goes on*

Both: "Three in the bed and the little one said!"
Wren: "Fuck ye-es, fuck ye-es!"
Dispatcher: *groan*
Tom: "What's fun for fourteen out of fifteen people?"
Wren: *snerk*
Tom: *singsong* GANGBANG!
Wren: "Oh, I was thinking bukkake.
Tom: "Eh, that's a lot more than fourteen."
Wren: "point."
Wren: "..."
Wren: "Fifty in the bed and the middle one said *gurgleflail*! *gurgleflail!*
Dispatcher: D:<

This is funnier if you picture it in the 50s.

"What did you do at work today, honey?"
"Oh, I set the road on fire."

We've really spruced the office up.

Decontextualized Words of Wisdom

"The caged squirrel cannot stash his nuts."
"Like he'd want to stash his nuts with you."
"Well, of course not! Do I LOOK like a knothole?"
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
"The answer is no. Obviously."

Sheesh.

Just spent an hour in the office trying to deal with a networking issue that would have taken five minutes to solve if someone had told me we magically decided to rout all the computers. Got into fight with boss, who insisted the campus server was down and we needed to follow on-call procedures and wake up a bunch of cranky old men. In the meantime, all "of my pretty, essential programs are crashing left and right like Caesar at the hands of the Senate (Et tu, internets?).

What did we actually have to do? Unplug the fucking router for ten seconds. Before today, that was the "yay, students have wireless internet now!" router. Now, it seems to be the "since the office is being torn apart and we all now live in a bunker, it is high time we streamlined the network! :D" router. I follow some cords, discover this fact, and roll my eyes.

"Dude, I fixed it."
"What?"
"The internet. I reset the router."
"How?"
"...I...unplugged it?"
"What, and everything magically works now?"
"Yes, actually."
"Oh."

I COULD HAVE FINISHED MY DRAFT! D=<

(Now I am just left wondering what the office would do without me.)

I will cherish this memory until the day I die.

Dispatcher and I made two cheerleaders run at breakneck speed across campus last night. They got sick of waiting to be let into their room and left to "come get the key themselves." We arrived after they were gone, radioed into base, and said "they're not here, we're leaving."

"They're here. I'm sending them to you."
"No, they can call when they get here again."
"They're running."
"...This I have to see."

Sure enough, seconds later they arrived, so out of breath they were blissfully silent until I let them into their rooms.

How to have my day in several steps

1) Write this into your final paper:

When Beowulf first plans to meet Grendel in combat, he goes into graphic detail regarding the violent and painful nature of his own death, should he fail:

Nor need'st thou then

to hide my head; for his I shall be,

dyed in gore, if death must take me;

and my blood-covered body he'll bear as prey,

ruthless devour it, the roamer-lonely,

with my life-blood redden his lair in the fen;

no further for me need'st food prepare! (446-452)

Beowulf is well aware that should he die, it will likely be painful, but he seems perfectly sanguine about this (literally, perhaps), and even seems to have a sense of humor concerning the entire ordeal.

2) Hear this from Daryl:

"I'm sorry, I just can't see you as a stripper! You look too classy!"

3) Get into a fight with a drunk girl at work:

"Security, this is Wren."
"Um, hi. I need to be let into my room."
"What's your name?"
"Um, [First name]."
"And your last name?"
"Um, [Last name]."
"Can you spell that?"
"Um, [zkfbadslfbasllmumble]."
"...And where are you locked out of?"
"I don't remember the room number, but I live in [dorm.]"
"...Hold please."
*Computer tells me she lives in a completely different dorm than she wants let into. She is informed I am talking to my boss to try and see if there is any way we can figure out where she belongs. She's on hold a grand total of two minutes before she hangs up and calls back.*

"Security, this is Wren..."
"Hi, I REALLY need to be let into my room."
"I know, and getting you in there would be a lot easier if you could actually remember your room number. I'm putting you back on hold."

Luckily, then my boss showed up to save the day and dealt with her himself.

Interesting.

I seem to have become the work whipping boy. Big boss likes to send me e-mails telling me everything I did wrong with my shift summaries, but today we've moved on to something bigger and better.

Now I'm being e-mailed for things wrong with other people's shift summaries! Observe:

2124 – Note: Two students were able to open the library doors after hours when the status was set to card only.

How do we know this? Who are they? Who called?

My shift started at 2200. -.-

Buzzkill.

Big Boss: "What is your hat supposed to be?"
Wren: "It's a panda."
Big Boss: "Did a dye job go badly last night?"
Wren: "I've had this hat for years."
Big Boss: "That's an avoidance question."
Wren: "No, but I am planning on redying my hair on Wednesday after the exam."
Bossman Prime: "Is that in celebration?"
Wren: "No, it's more of a 'yay, I have time!' thing."
Big Boss: "I should get a hat. An enormous pumpkin."
Wren: "Yes, you should."

The office suddenly goes deadly silent. This is a feat, since there are eight people standing three feet away from this conversation.

Big Boss: "What do you think people would do if I wore that around at work?"
Wren: "I think they'd find you quite cheerful."
Big Boss: "Really."
Wren: "Oh, certainly."
Big Boss: "What if someone was running in here, and their child was dying, and they saw you in a panda hat."
Wren: "Then the panda hat would be the least of their worries."

Big Boss: "Wren, I am trying to be as nice as possible about this. Are you having a bad hair day or something?"
Wren: "Big Boss, if you want me to take the hat off, tell me to take the hat off."
Big Boss: "..."
Wren: "I'm taking the hat off."

Ten minutes after I get told I have the apartment and can sign the lease next week.

What I go through at work:

Here is what I wrote:

Note: A student called to report a group of five or six students being very loud in Anderson/Langdon quad. One of them is a “flailing naked dude,” and they are creating quite a disturbance. 008 and 007 responded. 0128 The CSOs contacted the students and asked them to be more quiet. Everyone appeared to be fully clothed.

And here is what I should desperately, desperately wanted to have written:

Note: A student called to report a group of five or six students being very loud in Anderson/Langdon quad. One of them is a “flailing naked dude,” and they are creating quite a disturbance. 008 and 007 responded. 0128 The CSOs contacted the students and asked them to be more quiet. Everyone appeared to be fully clothed and free of flail. I suggested my bosses check in the bushes, as we may now have a naked student at large on campus, but they seemed oddly uninterested in tracking him down.

Ack.

Note to self: Do not ask coworker if he'd make a better dominant or a submissive.
(At least I didn't follow it up with "Want to find out for sure?") <--FILTER IN USE HERE.

I might be in love with this lady.

Julia: "I brought you bacon!" :D

I am less than a foot away from this conversation

Bespectacled guy: "I could tell he wasn't a student. People here tend to dress conservatively."
Policeman: *glances at my green hair and matching jacket* "Uh-huh."

In the words of Tom and Peter: "Shut down!"

Me: "UPS Security, this is Wren."
Dude: "Hi, Jen, I need to be let into my room."
Me: "Okay, if you call back at, oh, 5:30, we can let you in then."
Dude: "I called at three this afternoon."
Me: "Well, unfortunately you missed admit hours, and my staff are all out doing other things."
Dude: "But this is an emergency!"
Me: "And how is this an emergency?"
Dude: "Um...I'll call back, thanks!"
Me: "Have a good day!" :D

I regret this shift.

Dear drunk fratboy:

No, you may not get an escort to Jack in the Box. No, really. Nope, still saying no. Yes, even if you and your five football-playing friends don't feel safe. I'm sorry if you don't like my attitude; I don't like your taste in food.

Piss off,
I have a headache which is bad even if Tom did open my Coke bottle.

Things I am no longer allowed to do at work: The Dispatch Edition

1) Write that shit has ended when it is time for me to go home. No matter how accurate an assessment it is.
2) Laugh at people who ask stupid questions on the phone.
3) Even if they are clearly stoned.
4) Speak in a sultry voice on the radio.
5) Apparently that actually means no speaking on the radio at all.
6) Take shoes off and wrap self in blanket. The workplace is not a rest home.
7) I am under no circumstances to report in the shift summary that my coworkers have left early to go get drunk.
8) Jokes about garbanzo beans are by definition not funny.
9) Neither are jokes about thumb cuffs.
10) Referring to particularly blathersome coworker as "Mother Goose" is in poor taste.
11) When on the radio, coworkers are not "Red Leader," "Eagle One," "Maverick," "Jackknife," or "Shut Up,"
12) In a similar vein, I am not to suggest coworkers jump off the roof of Trimble when they tell me they are too busy to do an admit.
13) Blasting "Badger, Badger, Badger" is not appropriate use of radio air waves.
14) Even if it is 3AM and boss is asleep in car.
15) It's even less funny the second time.
16) I am not to write smut on the job. Even if it is lesbian smut.
17) If Mother Goose is present, ESPECIALLY if it is lesbian smut.
18) Blasting Mindless Self Indulgence and dancing in the middle of the office with the doors and windows open is not allowed unless the bosses aren't around and I'm too quick to get caught.
19) My coworkers are neither "my darlings," "my pretties," "my precious," or "my bitches."
20) Neither are they the legion with which I will take over the world.
21) I cannot watch Disney movies and sing along to all the songs.
22) Vaguely threatening phone calls to the Information Center when they are not doing their jobs will only make the boss yell at me for terrifying my fellow students.
23) Canes do not make me Dr. House. My sarcasm will always be unacceptable.
24) I am not a lumberjack, and it is not okay.
25) My boss is not a lumberjack either.
26) Or the tooth fairy.
27) The office is not a salon. This means no more nail painting. Or toenail painting.
28) Especially if I am chewing bubble gum and listening to Madonna.
29) The Lost and Found jackets are not to be used as bedding for itinerant dogs.
30) I am not to respond to texts received on Lost and Found phones.
31) Fake reports written to my housemates undermine the effectiveness of the Security Staff as a whole. This is why they have never actually received said reports.
32) Access to the security camera system does not make me a spy.
33) Shift summaries are not meant to be "tongue-in-cheek," even if I am just trying to make them less boring for the good of mankind.
34) I am not to willfully withhold admit information to punish patrol workers for being "uppity."
35) I am also not to send them on admits that don't exist.
36) The office furniture is not to be rearranged to suit my purposes.
37) Even if I am trying to combat inauspicious chi.
38) Leaving things out of the shift summary because I am too busy tormenting Tom on the radio is bad and will grant me a snippy e-mail from The Tooth Fair Big Boss the next morning.
39) I am not to leave signs in the kitchen that say "Every dish not done in this lifetime will hurt you in the next."
40) I am also not to label the bathroom air freshener with "USE ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD D:".
41) Radioing coworkers whom I know for a fact are in the bathroom is wrong and always results in awkwardness.
42) Lovage and Lords of Acid are not proper workplace music.
43) Neither is my a-capella rendition of Zorak's "Kick Your Ass."
44) I am not to put annoying students on hold and then go make tea.
45) I am not to encourage my coworkers to patrol with aluminum bats.
46) Or the cane.
47) Flashlights should not be assembled into impromptu disco balls.
48) Office Sharpies are not for tattoos.
49) Under no circumstances am I to confide that the Fieldhouse lost and found attracts both mold and ants and that articles lost there should be liberated quickly. Even if it is true.
50) In fact, telling the truth is generally a bad idea. Tooth Fairies do not operate well in the frame of reality.

Oh, Tom.

Phone: "Hi, I don't know if you know this, but there's a guy on the roof of Trimble."
Me: *ponders* "Kay, thanks for letting us know."
Me: *radios* Base 90 location."
90: "90...er...Trimble."
Me: "Stop scaring the residents."
90: "...Received."

Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

2200 – Smith out. Williams into dispatch.

2210 – Note: A Seward RA, called to report a strange smell that was overtaking the building, but is strongest in the basement. She believes it may be marijuana, and has asked for a patrol to attempt to find the source of the smell. 2245 The smell was caused by the RD’s sage incense. The RAs are going to air out the building, and the RD has agreed to stop burning it.

2301 – EC/CP: McIntyre 008, the Help Desk, unlocked.

2400 – Shit ends.

---

For the record, that was supposed to say "shift," but I think this is more accurate.

Why am I laughing so hard? That's saved in the permanent files. It's not editable. "Shit ends" is going to be there forever.