More Existentialist Bullshit

I think I'd be a whole lot happier right now if I felt like I was in control. But the funny thing is that the older I get, the less in control I feel. I've let so many things I'm good at kind of slide away as I go, so I am left with fewer and fewer talents. Drawing, painting, playing my flute, my ambition. I am happy to have earned grades now that two years ago I would have cried over.

I can't decide whether this is a reality check, or if I am becoming less of a person. I know I'm getting older, but sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder why my sophomore self isn't looking back. Back then (I thought) I knew what I wanted. I was livelier and more active, I still had a drive to succeed, I knew what I wanted out of my life. But now that it's time for me to really take control...I have no clue where to go. I'm no longer sure where I want to work. I have yet to find anything that can replace cross country for me. My flute hasn't been played for over a year now. And if I felt like it, I'd probably still be drawing, but at this point it's too late for me to develop any sort of real talent.

I'm not upset, really. I hope it doesn't sound like I am. It's just that when I was younger I never knew that the only difference between a kid and an adult is how confused you are. I'm not nearly confused enough to be an adult yet, thank everything, so don't grab me the happy pills just yet.

I just wish parents would prepare you for never knowing what the fuck is going on until it's too late.

If I had been made prepared, I might know then who's looking back in the mirror.