I don't feel comfortable accepting presents from these people who are supposed to be my family. Last night I was in my lurking room in the basement and I smelled food, so I went up. My aunt and uncle had invited thirteen family members over for dinner. No one came down and got me when they arrived or told me when the food got here, and I couldn't hear them because the basement is really isolated. So I walk upstairs to see what's going on and they all just STARE at me like they don't know why I'm there. I look at the food, but they ordered BBQ, and every single bit of it was red meat. So I guess they didn't really expect me to eat with them.

Have you ever felt so lonely it actually causes you physical pain? I did, when I went back downstairs.

Then today I wake up at three. I'd slept in my lurking room because I knew I didn't have to get up and so I might as well enjoy some uninterrupted sleep. I go upstairs to grab breakfast, and three family-types are over. I wave and say good morning jokingly. No one in the room, not even my aunt or uncle, respond. They just look at me for a second, then go back to what they were doing.

So I think I have good reason for not wanting to go open the presents they got me. I've had plenty of time to wonder why the fuck they bothered.

The worst thing about this was that I kind of hoped things would be better over break because they haven't seen me in months. So now I feel like an idiot.