Something has been bothering me about myself for a long time that I just now put my finger on. Now I just need to go off and think of a semi-understandable explanation.

::EDIT AFTER SLEEP::
Mini-MOD asked me last night if I was scared/nervous/worried about going off to college, and it set off what I wrote above. On the drive home I thought about it, and I realized what has been bothering me. Now I think I can put it into words, but I may not have time to finish right now.

I used to think that losing mom and all that trauma, etc., back when I was in 8th grade didn't mess me up. People always seem to think that teens who lose their parents have to be depressed/messed up in some way. And I didn't seem to be. I just kind of picked up the pieces and moved on.

Now that bothers me. It shouldn't have been that easy. And I think I know how I did it.

When change happens to me, I just accept it. It never seems to sink in. I don't get excited about trips, I don't get overly upset when people die. The only reason I hate moving is because it's an inconvenience and I always break something I like. Where I go and where I'm leaving don't really seem to matter. It's like every time something different comes along I go "Oh, okay..." and roll with it.

To a certain extent I guess it's good, but it still bothers me. Have I been doing this my whole life, or is this a direct result of losing mom/my hometown/my best friend so suddenly?

I have a feeling when it comes time to go to college I'm just gonna board the plane...and not really realize where I'm going.

I can't explain it any better. ::cue Comfortably Numb- Pink Floyd::

And the above makes me sound like some type of sociopath, but...I'm really not. I care a lot about the people around me and the thought of losing ANY of them makes me almost physically ill. It's just that if they do move away or something worse, something inside me shuts down, and I don't get hurt. I sometimes get this mental image of stuff flying at me, and all of the sucky stuff just goes right through and leaves nothing. I don't like that idea.

I guess the simplest way to say it is this: I don't grieve.

EDIT BEFORE H/W::
And....I just pissed of a good friend of mine. fuck. me.

On a less serious note: If I EVER hear any of the following three things ever again, my head is going to explode and then I'll kill whoever was dense enough to do it.
1) "What's Puhgett Sound?" o.O !! "Pughett" ? PUGET. Long U, morons.
2) ::said with a knowing nod:: "Oh, Puget Sound. Music school, right?" No, you lame asses. Learn geography.
3) "You're going to work for UPS"? I can't BEGIN to say how angry that makes me.

Hee. All three of those happened in a row today. So it came to mind.

Off to go beat myself up for my own stupidity.