The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

~Theodore Roethke

See? Isn't this an awesome villanelle? I love the format of this poem! Ah...must go write my own!

::EDIT::
Did no homework this weekend because I needed a break. However, that means that I will be more busy this week that formerly intended. Oh well. Next weekend is bowling and pointfest, so I'll really have to work hard to keep my weekend free...but I can do it. After this week, I'll almost be free. Almost.

::2ND EDIT::
I made this to rant. Why don't I feel like it??

::sigh:: I want to run, but I'm sure I need another rest day. My right shin still aches. Being on my feet all weekend at work probably hasn't helped matters much. It's frustrating...

I need to go do homework, but I'm in no mood.

I wonder when Fam and Unc get back. Do I have one more night of peace, or no? They left Friday; I doubt it.

Well, Fam and Unc are gonna be gone the whole weekend again, so when I'm not working, I'll have peace.
To do homework.
But I'll be one final down by the time this day is over, so I'm not really all that worried.
More later, have to go get people and get gas. Oh, shit!

Slept for four hours last night and felt better...

then went running to test new insoles, and feel worse.

Must go study for the two finals I have tomorrow.

Insomnia Con'td

Almost started crying because I want a grilled cheese sandwich but can't make it. I have reached a new low. 3:32 PM

Alright, I thought yesterday sucked... I had NO CLUE what was in store for me today. Actually made it through my classes...well, in body, anyway. My mind died around 4 AM when I woke up and had a panic attack.

I tried to go home, but they wouldn't let me drive...so I lost time when I could have been sleeping because Fam wouldn't come pick me up. Then, she just randomly shows up after school and forbids me to drive home. So she drives me, and Dragon Lady drives my car. ((I am going to have to get it professionally cleaned and blessed by a priest. I HATE that woman.))

Well, I figured that since she (Fam) and her wallet (money) were there, I could take the opportunity to go by Borders and get these four books I need for classes (have needed since last month)...but she's like "No, it's out of my way, I don't have time, blah, etc...." Well, we drove right by it on the way home. Selfish bitch. Heaven forbid she EVER take time out of her "busy" schedule for me. Now I remember why I don't ask her to do things for me anymore (remembers the research paper fiasco, the time I asked her to get me Jell-o when I had the flu and couldn't keep anything else down, etc.)

Maybe I can sleep tonight, even if it is just for a little while.

This is the last night, right? I almost never have this for longer than three days...

I can survive until tomorrow night. ((Can I survive until tomorrow night?)) ﾂｶ 3:21 PM

Scroll to bottom for part 1, babe

Well, I got to sleep at like three and kept on waking up about every half hour. Ah, insomnia. Welcome back. Wonder how long this will last?

So now I have a new plan: Skip classes, sleep until twelve, then do homework all night. If I sleep tonight, more power to me. If not, it's off to school in a half-dazed, drugged state. I'm too close to the end to be missing school.

So fucking tired. Why can't I just sleep? I started having insomnia when I was twelve. Now I get it about once or twice a year, usually for three days- once as long as a week and a half ((shudder)). The family says it's due to stress...I think I agree with them. But with my insomnia usually comes a burst of motivation and artistic genuis, so in a way I enjoy it. Up all night, gettting ahead in school, writing junk, drawing...then after a while I crash and will spend a weekend sleeping. It's called REM rebound, you know.

Motor skills are less than my norm. It requires a ton of concentration to move, and steps are freaking me out.

Despues del viaje

Hmph. Was in bed until 11 trying to sleep...managed to crash for about an hour, I think. Then I woke up and spent an hour trying to get this site to function for me.

Once I'm done here it is off to the library. I also have to see if it is possible to salvage my math project. I don't think so, but I shall try my best. Sleep tonight had better be an impossibility, because I have a lot of things to do.

Fam just walked in, so I did a pre-emptive eye roll. Right after I did, she told me to clean stuff. Huh. Imagine.

I am SOOOOO ready for summer and for Seattle- you have no idea, random reader. I can't wait to be back up on the canal, living my life by the tide, because when it's in, I'm on the water; when it's out, I'm sleeping or wishing it was in. I can't wait to bang and bruise myself up trying to learn to waterski again (I have never quite managed to stay up). Tubing is a must, only hopefully this time I won't bruise my chin and spilt my lip open when Unc cuts through the wake. ((It looked cool, tho. Like I had been in a fight.))

ARGH. Fam is now yelling at me about leaving a door unlocked four days ago. Right. I wonder if she realizes that I am tired and stressed and more than in the mood to make her life hell? So now it's wash my hair, find pants, and off to the library. If I stay home, bad things will happen. Today I am not in the mood for emotional pain, so I plan to avoid it for as long as possible. 12:18 PM

Back from library. Have discovered I am developing an unhealthy obsession with Margaret Atwood novels. Went to get Body and Soul for yet another project, and ended up with two new Atwood books. ("Nuevos libros", not "libros nuevos".) So now, if I can't sleep tonight and I have all my homework done, I will just start turning pages in The Edible Woman.

I swear I will eventually turn my last few entries into cohesive rants like the first one and not just semi-lucid ramblings. But my brain is a bit hazy and the only reason my fingers are typing at all is because of my incredible willpower. My body wants to go lie down, but I know that if I do I won't sleep. My mind is too awake behind its fog.

Hmmmm, will go running again tonight. I think after the first mile I'll break, suck on a piece of ice, do some push-up, sit-ups, and sits, then run another mile before I call it good. Gotta keep the ol heart rate up to increase the metabolism, you know. 1:39 PM

Insomnia and Masochism

Two more things that prove I have masochistic tendencies.

First, I went to go swim/study (note which one I put first). Went over knowing full well we wouldn't get any work done, and that I really had no spare time. While there, didwim some laps for exercize, but I could have done so much more. Which means I still have to go on my 30 minute run tonight. So, though fun, it was a complete waste of time and I now am behind on my research paper. So I better not be able to sleep tonight, because now I can't, anyway.

Second, I am now sitting here gnawing on a carrot and choking down a slighty wilted salad with cheese. Here's where it gets funny: I'm a red meat veggie-tarian, but I don't like veggies! So even though I am actually having a healthy dinner, I am not enjoying it. It HURTS to eat salad. There's something about the texture...I've tried for two years, but I just can't make myself like it. But, I eat it anyway. Who knew it was so painful to be healthy?

Hmmmm, I have no more reason to write for now. Unless I feel like procrastinating further and totally screwing myself over. Nope, better get on with it. Once it get the intro done, it should all be relatively easy.

If I can't sleep tonight and I have all my homework done (or all that I can get done without endangering my sanity), I'll read and probably watch "Gattaca". I figurt's time to see what all the fuss is about up at work. ﾂｶ 8:13 PM

The Week of DEATH

Ahhh, Band Camp. Or should I say "AAAAAAAAH"? (Don't even get started with all the American Pie crap. I've heard it all, especially since I play the flute. So just quit now.)

Anyway, we decided this year to go off to Macomb, IL (welcome Rams and fans!!). I don't know why. I have a theory, though. It's four hours away from good ol St Louie, and it's in the middle of NOWHERE, so the chances of any of us running off were none. I mean, hey, if you like corn and cattle, but otherwise...

As Mittens said, it was all straight out of 1984. Morning yoga, tasteless breakfast, hard marching in unbearable heat, tasteless lunch (cheese plop, Paste-a, chicken "stix"...), try to stay awake durning indoor practice, tasteless dinner, more marching, fungus-infested showers, giggle-giggle-giggle...

The highlights were...wait, how could there have possibly been highlights amidst the misery?? I mean, c'mon, three people in my section went home with heat exhaustion!! Hmmmm, we were all in pain and utterly exhausted...Blu's right- we're all masochists. It was great to be away, and I got to know a lot of people (half the band probably thinks I like Paul. He's interesting, but not the BF type. Too thin (("You'd break him, you're too rough"- Toulouse)), and just something about his personality...He can't even pretend to measure up to SLAM. He's the friend type.) Like Henry was the friend type. Speaking of, he e-mailed me today. Odd, the way he just popped out of nowhere.

Argh. This is incoherent. Sometime later I'll get back on and wright a properly sarcastic summary. For now... Just waiting to see SLAM and do a little painting.

The return of Toulouse

It was supposed to be a good day. I got up, showered, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen... went out to the car to head off to work...
Someone had broken into my car. They left my stereo system, my CD player, my wallet, my spare key (so in essence, my entire CAR...) but they took my cellphone. MY CELLPHONE?!! Who the hell breaks into a car professionally enough to NOT do damage, leaves all the expensive stuff, and takes a fucking CELLPHONE?? I am pissed at both the loss of my cellphone AND the stupidity of the thief. My car doesn't even have tags and TITLE yet! ((Thank God the DUMB one robbed me.))
Anyway, so Toulouse is back out en masse (and yes, IN MASS, too) telling me stuff like "And thus the girl discovers that the world is full of stupid people," and "Are you SURE you locked the car?". I hate him.
I hate Fam, too. She's trying to make me replace the phone on my own. Nope. It wasn't my fault, there is no doubt, so why the hell should I pay like it was?? And also, now she's all paranoid about my keys...etc.
She's also in a bad mood because she has finally figured out that Unc is an asshole. Especially now that he's got a literal pain in the ass and is in the hospital. I feel no sympathy for either of them. ((Am I evil? "Yes, you are so very-" I'm not in the mood, Toulouse. You best back down, fat man. "My job here is done...and well." ARGH!!!!! ::beats head on wall::))

Independence???

Well, I failed my first driver's test, but I got a 91 the second time. So I am now driving freely about the town. LOL. And Fam has done two things I predicted: a) Threaten to take away my car b) Make me run errands for her. The second one is fine, but the first royally pisses me off.

She also tried to get me to go to Ladue, but there is no way I'm switching shcools my junior year. Especially since I've been switching schools constantly since I was 13. So I AM staying in Webster, but...it's costing her 9 THOUSAND a year! I am pissed that it costs so much, but I am not in the least bit guilty she's having to pay it. After all, she moved me out of my school district, so she deserves it. ((Am I evil??))

Well, yesterday was a lot of fun. I ran errands for myself!!! I was so proud. I took my dog to Petsmart (mostly cuz I could.) I've always wanted to go shopping with him. He was very good in the store. I was incredibly surprised.
He's having bad dry skin problems, so I got him some special oatmeal shampoo that seems to be helping. I also got him this vitamin supplement to put in his food that adds in vitamin E and all that other good stuff to help his skin out. I'm glad to report he thinks it is yummy. I also got him a brush because I'm sick of having to wade through a sea of dog hair every day to get into my room. And, to reward him for being "good" during his bath I got him a basted rawhide bone. And a new rope toy so we can play. AND a new collar and leash, since both of his seem to be permanently missing (I had no part in it, I swear). They match. Both are purple with little white paw prints on them. ((OK OK. I got those because I wanted him to have a matching collar and leash set. So sue me.)) The total cost was $50 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I told him he better be worth it. So far, he's acting thoroughly thrilled. Fam, I am pleased to report, seems to be indifferent about the whole thing.

Must go swim, then run more errands. SO much stuff I gotta do... (("gotta".))

By the way, Mary's middle initial really IS "F"!!!

this sucks bum

First day of work today. I did a lot of face painting. It was fun. My favorite pattern is the octopus. It's supposed to be the hardest one, but I rock at it. Also, while I was working Marybeth came to see me with her friend Sydney. They were really cute and they were about to DIE when they saw me. It was really funny.
I was going to go practice parallel parking because I take my driver's test tomororw, but....ARGH!! There's a damn storm advisory or some crap like that. Oh well. I guess I'll just fail. LOL, no, I really doubt I will. I drive really well.
Anyway, Fam's pissed me off again, but I don't feel like talking about it because I've spent so much time yelling about it to Tiny One and my computer. Yeah. My computer hears a lot of smack. Smack. LOL. Smack.

Smack Fam. No.

MMMMMMMMMM, popsicle. See ya when.

I guess it all DOES work out in the end...

This has been a really hectic week. I haven't been writing because I had no modem for a while. We're mostly set up in the new house. It's a lot bigget than the old one. It doesn't seem like it at first, but at night you can really tell. I can't hear them, which means they can't hear me, so I can blast my music now. Finally.
Also, my room is bigger, which is nice, but now I'm going to have to get more decorations for it. Oh darn, right? ;) Soon Rose and I are going to paint it. Tiny One and I are in charge of revamping MiniFams's playhouse out back (of which I have taken forceful control of the top. She can't get up there anyway), and SLAM and I are going to finish the basement.
I have to talk about that now. There's this really junky room in the basement that you can't even see from the outside. It has that nasty fake wood paneling on the inside, and ugly linoleum floors...but it's my new study. ((Well, I'm actually naming it "Lauren's Lair". I'm going to make a poster for the door tonight.))
Anyway, I'm working really hard to get it set up for school. I am going to paint over that ugly brown with a cheerful mint green, put down a white rug over that crappy floor...decorate it, put in a few bright lamps, desk, laptop, bookshelf, beanbags...There are only benifits to this. It keeps me away from the fam, and I can trash it out at my leisure without anyone telling me to clean up after myself. It will be completely my area. =)
And that's not ALL the good news yet. Fam has finally quit griping about the car, because I got a job!! It's at the zoo. Guest Services, nothing special, but it'll get me the connections I need to get into the Bird House. Plus, it's money. Well, because of this, they are getting me a car in the next two days or so, and I get my license next week. So when they go on vacation...I can get where I need to go ON MY OWN.... ((THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))
Also, I got my braces off today!! I have upper AND lower retainers, though, and they suck, cuz I can't talk that well, but...I'll learn.

It's been fun.

This has a nice ring to it: "Mary Fucking Valentine!" All my people know what I'm talking about.

he vivido

Well, the new house sold, and fast. A couple from Ohio (of all places) is moving into it. ::sigh:: So I guess this is it. Time to move away. Oh well. ((Think of the car, think only of the car...))

Even that has lost its joy for me. Fam told me today "We're not getting you a car. It's not YOUR car. It's ours. We're just letting you drive it." God, Fam, it's not like I don't know that. But did you have to actually point it out? Why won't you ever just do something nice for me without making me feel like you're only doing it because you have to, or because it's not actually hurting you any? I felt so unwanted after she said that. And somehow like it was my fault that she was doing it.

It's not MY fault we're moving and I don't want to switch schools. So why...oh well. Why dwell on it? It will just make me sad, or angry at her again. I'm just so sick of her making me feel petty and weak.

SLAM and I might go to a drive-in movie on Saturday. I haven't been to one of those since I was, oh, FOUR. So this should be fun.

Rose and I are really pissed at Alice now. It turns out that she hires volunteers all the freaking time. So she's just trying to screw us over. So we're gonna get into the Bird House. I'm not going to work for that lying bitch ever again. And the Humane Society fell through. You have to be 18 to handle the animals. Screw them.

She and I are in a salsa dancing class now. It is SO much fun. SLAM might take the next session with us. =) That would be so great. I can't believe he wants to take dancing classes. It was actually his idea. HEE HEE, that would be SO MUCH fun!!! He and I could go dancing! Or just stay at home and dance. =)~ Either way...

Tan Lines

I swear, this is the first year since I lived in Hawai'i that I've had a decent tan. I'm getting what I think of as the "porn" tan line...dark skin+reeeeaaaally white where bathing suit was.

MMMMMMM, yesterday I got the boxed set of Neon Genesis Evangelion. I about died when I paid for it. $118.05... I've been chanting it psychotically off and on since I did. Considering that my monthy allowance is $100...and I have no paying job...but soon I will. OOOH, and I finally got the power cord for my N64...so I can play Zelda again...both of them...man, am I a loser or what? I'm also gonna get myself a PS2 with my first paycheck. ((And Toulouse pops out of the closet for the first time in weeks and starts telling me I'm a geek. Pardon me while I get my gun.))

Rose and I finally swallowed out pride and filled out applications for Guest Services at the zoo. So we might end up being keepers after all, in the long run. However, we DID quit volunteering, so for the time being we are free from the tyrrany that is the Children's Zoo.

So tired. Fam woke me up early today and had me working by 10 AM, we got done around noon, and I went over to Mittens's, then we hung out until eight-ish...I think the swimming did me in. I didn't know it was possible for skin and sunlight to become one. Anyone who's almost fallen asleep on a raft in a swimming pool on a hot July day knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

When when when will it end?

wow, this day has been....wait, how is it suddenly 7PM? Oh well. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes...

Woke up this morning at 9 AM and was NOT happy. Mostly because it was Fam's fault I woke up. She was moaning about how she needed help with something...and of course it involved me. So, I dragged my ass out of bed when she finally got too annoying...that was at 9:55 AM. By 10:30 she was making me help her. We finished around 12...but I still had a list of things I had to do while she was gone...but that was ok. I got pisssed when she jumped me for no reason.

Kay. I was walking into the laundry room and I said "Ya know, I hope we're done with this moving stuff soon, cuz I'm sick of it," thinking that she'd agree and we'd have a grand old time griping and moaning. But no, she gets pissed and yells "You are NOT a nice person!! We only have 15 more minutes to work, so you don't need a break! Take this out to the trash!" Well, I guess it caught me by surprise, because I felt my metaphorical defensive armor go up...(Which is the equivalent of large spikes jutting from my shoulders) And I didn't want to say anything to piss her off, so I went upstaris for some tea. She follows me up and yells at me and says "no breaks, bla bla bla..." Well, I keep onn ignoring her, cuz I don't want to piss her off any more. Well, it doesn't work. Nothing works. So I went back downstairs.

Then later...she was supposed to take me to Mittens's to swim, but she called and said she couldn't because MiniFam had to take a nap. Well, I can understand this, but I wish she would ahve thought it through beforehand instead of calling me a few minutes beforehand. SO I go, fine, I'll call Mittens and hang up. She kept on calling constantly for five minutes, so after hanging up about five times, I just took the phone off the hook. She eventually gave up, but came home REALLY mad, and then bitched at me for hanging up on her. When I tried to explain why I was upset, she yelled at me and said "You know, you being mad at me has no effect on me anymore, because you are ALWAYS mad at me." I tell her that no, she just ASSUMES I am, and that's why I get upset. If she treats me like I'm already mad, I'll BE mad.

Well, she finally goes to bed, and we all go swimming at Mittens's. I'm home now, and Fam's gone at Mary's for a 4th of July picnic. I'm enjoying the peace. I'm thinking about working on my story, but I'm really tired, so I might just read.

Oh, my car doesn't HAVE to be American, but it IS preffered... I'd prefer NOT to have one, tho, so we shall see.

I need to get my license. ARGH.

MMMMM, pain in fingers

Taking a break from working on my book to reflect back on the day's events. Went to the carnival again today with Tiny One, Mittens, and Rose. We had a lot of fun. Rose and I rode the Thunderbolt, and we had a blast. We were laughing hysterically and screaming our heads off and wishing for a camera. Then Mittens and I rode on the Scrambler and got into a squishing contest. After that we all went on the Tilt-o-whirl, and crammed into the same seat, and got it spinning in a constant circle...it was a lot of fun and I think the ride guy was making it longer and faster for us. I was up there yesterday too and rode it twice. I think he recognized me cuz he kept on staring. It was kinda nice. Before the carnival we had a barbeque at Rose's. I brought a fruit tray. It was fun. Rose and I are gonna try to go to the same college. I hope we do, so we can room together and drive each other insane...and probably make each other bloody, LOL.
Must go finish scene in story now.

ooooOOOOOOOoooooooh!!!

Rose and I have decided what to tell Alice. You see, she's a useful source, and I don't particularly want to burn down any bridges. So, we've decided to ask her to be a reference on job applications, ask her to (FINALLY!! argh, argh!!!!) register us with the volunteer department... and then tell her we're going to volunteer at the Humane Society so we can explore that aspect of animal care. Sounds reasonable, it keeps her from realizing we're pissed, and everyone's fine and dandy. They're just short two volunteers, but hey, they have one more big locker to give to the REAL employees... ::The very keyboard melts under the bitterness of that thought::

We'll be free. Thank God.

on a lighter note...

I think Rose and I are going to volunteer at the Humane Society. Neither of us want to stay at the zoo. I think we're going to flat-out tell Alice why we're leaving. The reasons are:
1) We're not registered at the Volunteet Department.
2) We're not learning anything new anymore now that Matt's gone.
3) Ethan's gone. (My personal reason. He was hilarious.)
4) We're taken for granted.
5) They don't take us seriously. ::cue bitterness over whole locker thing::

the feeling I can't shake

I'm sad today and I was yesterday, too. Not sure why. it's not just the fact that the days have been horrible. They actually haven't. It's just that the little things have been adding up and making the good stuff unable to make me happy.
Abigale's going home, too. So I have to move and deal with Fam on my own. I'm never sure who starts the fights anymore. That depresses me, too. Because I don't WANT it to be my fault that I'm sad all the time. (But what if it is?)
Tonight Fam suggested that Abigale stay another week, and well...she almost did, but she has stuff to do back home. (I don't blame her, really. And I'm going out there in August, so it's not like it was my last chance to see her.) But while we were talking it over, Fam comes up and tries to talk her out of staying. I don't know why, but it really annoyed me. It seemed like something only Abigale and I should talk about. So I told her to go away, basically. And she huffed off, then came back and told Abigale what she thought anyway, then looks at me and says "Oh, and now Lauren's going to be mad at me."

She assumes. She always assumes. That's what starts it. Why can't I learn to just put up with it? They've told me flat out that they're miserable with me in the house. Sometimes I wonder why they haven't thrown me out.

Ever since I came to live with them people have assumed. That I'm suicidal, angry...that I'm torn apart inside with grief for my mother. They expect me to be a problem child, so they treat me like it before they even get a chance to see what I really am inside. You can't be yourself inside the mold set by everyone around you. Slowly, you bend and twist to its will, and sometimes I wonder if I am finally turning into what they expect. I've been fighting it for over two years now. How much longer do I have to? I hoped that when I moved out here people wouldn't think that of me because they wouldn't know that my mom killed herself. But they knew that I lived with my aunt and uncle and they asked anyway...so it didn't change. Amber told the adults around me, I think, because they all treat me like some fragile glass decoration that will shatter into a million pieces at the slightest motion. I am far stronger than that, but...I just wish that they would realize that I'm not any of the things they think I should be.

Wow. See what happens when I just let my thoughts flow? I'm very angry right now, I guess. Bitter might be the better word. I'm sick of people not seeing me when they look at me. They seem to see what they want to see, and nothing I do changes that image. And when I tell them this, they say I'm just being dramatic and silly and that I'm over-reacting.

Am I?