Ugh.

I go in on Monday to speak to the neurologist again and see if they know what is wrong with me yet. This is the first time I can remember that I haven't wanted to go to the doctor's alone. Then again, this is the first time I've been so scared.

When I was hospitalized in high school, I wasn't scared. Yes, half my face had swollen ridiculously and I couldn't open my mouth wide enough to take a bite out of a sandwich, but I wasn't scared because everything still worked. Everything doesn't still work now. I can't keep a grip on things, I twitch uncontrollably (which has made sleeping a real joy, let me tell you), my arms are constantly going numb, and almost every time someone touches me I find a new nerve center that is in pain. I can't lift things or twist lids open. And, despite three months of physical therapy, things aren't improving. In fact, I feel myself getting worse.

By now my physical therapist is almost positive there's something wrong with my spine, which makes the entire deal even more terrifying. Minor things don't happen to spines. You can't get carpal tunnel of the fucking spine (absence of carpal areas notwithstanding).

I've been worried for a while. It was tolerable until a few days ago, when the twitching got so bad it started keeping me up at night. While I was helping Maddo and Trevor move into their new apartment, there were times it was so bad that I couldn't hold things. Now every time I twitch I end up thinking about all the horrible possible causes, and that just compounds with my frustration and I end up bursting into tears.

I hope on Monday he gives me some sort of news that makes me look back on this entry and feel foolish. That would make me really happy. Hell, a this point the phrase "pinched nerve" would come as a relief.