I always tell myself not to write when I'm angry

But sometimes there's no other way to calm me down. I'm so angry right now that it's manifesting physically through heat. I'll probably be steadily removing layers as I progress through the post. (In fact, off goes my pullover.)

Today was terrible. I was in so much pain after patrolling in the ice last night that I had to string myself out on sleep meds to get to bed by two. I was still drugged out of my mind by my first class, so I slept through it and one third of my second one before I managed to stay conscious enough to drag myself out of bed. I slipped twice on the way to Micro because my right leg was still fucked up beyond all reason. Then, Maddo fell on her way to our class, and we ducked out and spent half the day running the medical gauntlet at the local hospital. Maddo is now slightly less enamoured of snow, and I am emotionally exhausted because not only do I hate doctors, but hospitals always remind me of my grandmother dying, my mother being constantly sick, and Fam telling everyone my sophomore year that I was never coming back to school because I was going to die when I had yet to be DIAGNOSED for anything.

Which then gets me thinking about how useless they are. I've been trying to get them to send me my fucking insurance information for the past semester, and they have yet to take the two seconds necessary to put the card in the mail. So now I have a bill for blood tests sitting on my desk, and I'm probably just going to have to eat the costs instead of actually getting my insurance to cover it. Which then gets me thinking about all the other shit they've done this semester, and how much I am really dreading going back to Saint Louis. I always spend my first night back crying on the floor because of something one of them did.

And I don't know why, but recently all these things I'd forgotten about my mother have come rushing back to me. I don't know what's been triggering them. Maybe it's some sort of time release thing since I couldn't handle it all at once when I was 12. Either way, I really kind of wish I didn't remember.

So I've basically spent the entire night stewing and desperately trying to ignore it because I have stuff I need to get done, and I don't have time to be upset. Like, for example, my lab partner fucking disappearing the day before a presentation which I now have to create and present on my own tomorrow at one. Thank you, lab partner. I hope you fucking die in a hole, suffocated by your own weed smoke.

As a result, the highlight of my day was baked fucking macaroni. It should have been planning Winter Break hijinks with the boy, but he decided it was an ideal time to go off on a rant about how much he hates A.L.W. when I suggested we go see CATS at one of the oldest and prettiest theaters in town. Which, after the rest of the day, made me snap, and we ended up getting into a fight.

Of course, now I'll be up until 4AM psychoanalyzing myself because I can't tell what the fuck is going on in my head anymore. Any time I am happy, I start worrying that it's mania, and any time I get upset I question the justifiability of my anger and drown in guilt. I have a headache, my legs are still killing me, and the world outside is slowly icing over, which is making me dread treading all the way across campus to the library at 8AM to go to a class that I'll most likely fail and hate myself forever for.

I am so fucking done with this year. How hard is it for me to not be miserable before I have to go back into Saint Louis? I really think I'm trying as hard as I can, but all I seem to be accomplishing is a slow downward spiral into failure. So many people have told me recently that I'm "caustic" and "mean." I'd like to think it's just me trying to cope with everything and failing, but maybe I am just a bitch. I hate my family for being too wrapped up in their own little drama to even remember that I don't eat red meat, but what if I'm just doing the same thing to other people?

If you actually read this far, I'm sorry. I just needed to vent. This is not what my blog is for. I just want to put my moods in context since I don't want to talk about any of this stuff unless it overwhelms me. It's depressing. When you're trying not to be depressed, you don't talk about the sad.