Today I was going to wake up early to shower. I really was. But then I woke up and realized that panda hats are acceptable alternatives to shampoo. So I threw on a pullover, put on the panda hat, and started brushing my teeth.
Sarah: "Good morning!"
Me: *quickly learns that sleepy panda growls while brushing teeth are bad*
Sarah: "...oh!"
Last night we read a paper about mating behaviors in toads for a paper discussion. Apparently males who are "calling" to females become so engrossed in the behavior that you can inject them or bleed them and they will not stop calling. They won't even move.
*Croak, croak* obviously means "NEEEEED SEEEEEX NOOOOOOOOW."
This day was the worst gauntlet I've run all week. Which, to me, is a claustrophobia-inducing portent of impending adulthood. After all, just a couple of years ago, life would STOP so I could have a birthday.
And now I have to work my birthday around life? When did that become fair? =/
Even though I never really wanted to be, it made me a little sad today when I realized that I would not be allowed to be an astronaut.
Then I just felt weird.
I saw the psychiatrist today, and got a doctor's note for the professor's class that I keep missing. It was all very high school.
Anyway. I'm upping my meds again. Right now I'm at 200 mg a day, and she wants me to get up to 400 mg/day. So, I'm taking 300 mg for the next three days, and then switching to 400. Pretty soon I'm going to start having to get blood draws, as well.
But, I'm not really complaining. I can tell it's working, and the side effects so far have been manageable. I'm a little worried about the way the Tegretol interacts with my birth control, since I take the stuff primarily for hormonal reasons and not for contraception. There's been talk that I may have to augment the pills with a patch. Both the pills and the Tegretol compete for similar protein binding sites, and "the Tegretol always wins," which means I absorb less of the hormones. So, back to the doctor I go for a professional opinion to see what I can do to keep my old issues under control.
I can't imagine going through this if I were in a career situation or in the middle of a serious relationship. I'm so glad I decided to go through this now, because it would only have been harder later on.
Not to say it's not hard enough now.
One of my old Bio professors ran up to me today and said "Oh! I used you as an example in my 112 class yesterday!"
"Oh?"
"Yes! I said 'now Wren's hair is purple, but not because of her genetics. Can you see the difference here?' And a couple of my students were nodding vigorously and going 'Yeah!'"
"Well, thank you!"
"No, thank you!"
Yesterday I had my first real flake-out day from the meds. I think the fact that I hadn't gotten a full night's sleep in a few days compounded it, but I seriously felt I was on Vicoden with the added bonus of being incapable of remembering a damn thing.
It was really frustrating. I don't think I can adequately explain it.
But, today I feel fine. I've been writing every little detail down in my planner, but I do feel fine.
Ad nauseum. I need my fucking insurance card by Friday the second. Please mail me my package. Give me my fucking insurance card. Please mail my package.
I called Unc on Monday. "Can you send me my package? Also, I HAVE to have my insurance card by Friday the 2nd. Absolutely have to."
"Okay. I'll ship the package overnight. You'll have it by Wednesday. And I'll send you my insurance cards and just request new ones."
Today is Thursday. I get this e-mail from his secretary:
Hey Lauren. Unc has a box full of "stuff" (not sure what all is in there yet).
I'll be packing it up today and hopefully get it out in the mail tomorrow.
Are you needing it fast? Want it shipped UPS or anything?
Also, we have requested a new health insurance card. It will be mailed to Unc' house so hopefully he gets it to me when it arrives and I'll get that to you soon as well.
Take care and let me know if you need the box quickly otherwise it will go out in regular mail.
Thanks.
Tim: I should get Mike to play WoW again. >.>
Squeaker: Don't you dare.
Tim: but he's the guy who heals me when he's high. :(
Squeaker: I will fly out there and fucking kill you with the expansion pack.
Squeaker: they will be picking pieces of it out of the atria of your heart.
Tim: ... o.o
Tim: you seem more terrifying than usual.
Well, I've been on Tegretol for a week now, and tonight I am supposed to double my dose, so I figured now was a good time for a one-week update on how I've been feeling.
Side Effects:
No bad ones so far. I haven't had more difficulty speaking (than is usual), or thinking. If anything, I've gotten the best night's sleep of...a decade in the past week on this stuff. While this might become a bad thing as I increase my dosage, right now it's a pretty big perk. I've noticed no abnormal bruising, rashes, or weight changes.
Desired Effects:
I haven't had a severe swing yet, though it's unclear whether that's due to the meds or not. I came down from my mania on Tuesday and was rather normal until Friday night. Since then, I've been fighting off a depressive swing. Dunno if this was caused by starting the meds while manic, but it's been controllable so far. Hanging out with people forces me to leave the house, and going to the library forces me to do homework. As long as I keep up with my Wren Prevention, I should get through this okay.
In high school I had a goal. I was going to buy an old 1980s Plymouth Laser and customize it. See how it has the pop-up headlights? Every time I see one of those cars, one of the headlights is broken, and it looks like the car is winking. And I thought it was abominably cute.
So I decided that I was going to get a car with a broken headlight, decal the front window with "ARRRR," paint an eyepatch over the broken light, and dub the whole mess "Cap'n Winky."
That was in high school. Last Monday I discovered I had a new goal:
Wren requires an eyepatch.
Why? Because Mythbusters recently proved that they give you excellent night vision if you actually have two eyes. Which suits my diabolical plans quite nicely.
I have two major issues with the campus Buddhist Student Union.
1) It's Dalai Lama. Not Dali. Stop calling him "Dolly" at the meetings and please, please, PLEASE don't write it Dali five times in a mass e-mail to the entire club.
2) When you're advertising an interest meeting, don't put a picture of the Kitchen God on the fucking flyer. I can understand that you're not all that well versed in eastern art, but...we're talking a fuck-up spanning two religions.
Get off my whole wheat bagel. You certainly do NOT go well with my strawberry cream cheese.
No love,
I hate you so fucking much you little black specs of nasty!
When told "because that's the way God made them" after asking why male fruit flies don't undergo crossing-over during meiosis, it is probably not a good idea to respond "Yes, but why did He make them that way?"
I've had several people express curiosity about exactly what medication I'm now on, so here you go:
Tegretol.
I went to the psychiatrist this morning to discuss medication and a formal diagnosis. Formally, I have been diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, which is the most severe of the types of manic depression. This means that I alternate from euphoric manic extremes to near-suicidal depression when left unchecked. Many people also become psychotic with time (hi mom). Luckily, I have yet to have a psychotic episode, though it's possible that won't manifest until I am older. But, since I'd rather not ever have delusions of being Jesus, I'm going on medication now.
This is where the real warning comes in. The available medicines work differently for everyone, which means that the next few weeks could be very hard for me as I experiment with drugs to determine what is the most effective and least obnoxious of my available options. I am being started out on an anticonvulsant that works great for some people, but has rather serious side effects for others. These include a bad rash, liver damage, and decreased blood and plasma counts. So, I'll be needing periodic blood tests for a while to ensure I'm not affected. Some people also lose cognitive ability to a rather upsetting degree.
Basically I am warning everyone that if I seem weird for the next few weeks, there is likely a good reason. Adjusting to meds is never easy, and I may have to go through it several times before we find one that does less harm than good. I'm slightly manic right now, so there's a chance that starting on the meds will send me into a strong depressive swing before I begin to stabilize. Thus, I am writing this before I take my first dose, because if I do become depressed I'll be far less likely to tell people what's going on.
I'm not trying to scare you guys. There's a good chance that this will be an easy thing. But I also may need help figuring out whether or not I'm acting abnormally, and I'm worried that the meds will make that more difficult for me because it might change my "normal" swing pattern.
I may also end up having an identity crisis. What is "normal" Wren like? I know I won't change fundamentally, but it's hard to say what effect removing my mania will have on things like my work ethic and some of my more random tendencies.
In short, long month ahead. Please be gentle and understanding while I get my brain figured out.
<3
There were 24 people at Heroes last night. That does not include the people who actually live in our house.
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