FYI of doom

I went to the psychiatrist this morning to discuss medication and a formal diagnosis. Formally, I have been diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, which is the most severe of the types of manic depression. This means that I alternate from euphoric manic extremes to near-suicidal depression when left unchecked. Many people also become psychotic with time (hi mom). Luckily, I have yet to have a psychotic episode, though it's possible that won't manifest until I am older. But, since I'd rather not ever have delusions of being Jesus, I'm going on medication now.

This is where the real warning comes in. The available medicines work differently for everyone, which means that the next few weeks could be very hard for me as I experiment with drugs to determine what is the most effective and least obnoxious of my available options. I am being started out on an anticonvulsant that works great for some people, but has rather serious side effects for others. These include a bad rash, liver damage, and decreased blood and plasma counts. So, I'll be needing periodic blood tests for a while to ensure I'm not affected. Some people also lose cognitive ability to a rather upsetting degree.

Basically I am warning everyone that if I seem weird for the next few weeks, there is likely a good reason. Adjusting to meds is never easy, and I may have to go through it several times before we find one that does less harm than good. I'm slightly manic right now, so there's a chance that starting on the meds will send me into a strong depressive swing before I begin to stabilize. Thus, I am writing this before I take my first dose, because if I do become depressed I'll be far less likely to tell people what's going on.

I'm not trying to scare you guys. There's a good chance that this will be an easy thing. But I also may need help figuring out whether or not I'm acting abnormally, and I'm worried that the meds will make that more difficult for me because it might change my "normal" swing pattern.

I may also end up having an identity crisis. What is "normal" Wren like? I know I won't change fundamentally, but it's hard to say what effect removing my mania will have on things like my work ethic and some of my more random tendencies.

In short, long month ahead. Please be gentle and understanding while I get my brain figured out.

<3