black holes

HEEEEE. Spiderman. It was good. I got pissed at the ending, but it was good. "SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!"

I have to go eat dinner with SLAM's family tonite. I am NOT looking foreward to it at all... ::sigh:: ((::sounds of scuffle:: "MISTAA-oof!" ::Door slams:: "Damn it, Toulouse get the hell back in the closet!! I DO NOT feel like hearing your damn narrations right now!!")) We'll probably watch a movie afterwards, and I think he was mildly flipping out that we would be on his bed. Uhhhh... so... big deal? Should I feel honored/terrified?? LOL. I love that boy, but sometimes me no understandy him.


Am in the midst of extracting myself from the worthless black hole that is THE ZOO. There is no reason for my being there. Therefore, I will leave. As soon as possible. David, damn him, needs to become living again so I can get references from him for me and Mittens. I plan to work a Deirbergs, if they'll have me...and at the end of the year, whatever I've saved, Fam and Unc will match, and I'll buy a car with it. HEE, I might actually end up getting a decent car outta this, because I don't think they understand just how much I can save. And WILL save... ::manaical laughter::

the end of school

I have seen a dark, sad side of myself. I did not know how dependent I was on the internet until I was suddenly unable to use my modem...those were the darkest 12 hours of my...week?
(( "And thus the girl is forced to admit that we are living in a material world, and she is a material girl."-Toulouse)) AAH.

School is over. Hasn't sunk in yet, tho. Probly won't for a week or so. HMMMMM, I said I was gonna go nap, but the frickin duck dance finally woke me up...or maybe it was because I was laughing so much at the astonished surfer dudes in the white car who had not clue what in the HELL was going on when we drove by...Man, that was so fuuuuunnnnyyyy!!! ::implied tears::


Ohhh, and then there were the dudes who freaked out at the sheer volume of soda bottles in my locker. LOL, they don't understand how much I drink in one week. It was amusing to say the least.


AAAHHH, just remembered the existence of Neopets!! Must...play...Swarm...fight...battledome...
:: Glo Paint 12:00 PM ::


...
Wow. IS it actually summer?

Ouch. Pang from where Mittens shoved her foot into my stomach/chest/ribs.


No hay mas que quiero decir.
:: Glo Paint 11:06 PM ::
...

Finals, finals, finals!!

OOOOOH, Lauren did BAAD on her finals today... Oh well. I care not. Because tomorrow is the last day. And I have soda. So all is good in my caffeine-strung-out world.

Ha. Went to the Butterfly House with Al and Rose and Mittens yesterday. I was great. We get along really well, and Al is frickin' hilarious. Too bad I put a new hole in her shirt. I wasn't my fault, I swear, the thing was like paper thin. ((OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS))


Then there was the Gift Shop/Pain/Khaki-Clad-ASS-In-Way-of-Picture interlude. And I wonder how many people we annoyed during the movie? ((During which I discovered that Al's very EXISTENCE is loud.)) Or should I say I annoyed, b/c I refused to shut up. It was so frickin hilarious tho!!! They should never show butterflies living to the Carmen Waltz...and I never should have done the worm. I'm glad nobody actually SAW me do it the first time, tho. It would have traumatized them. I want the photos we took.


I should study, but I'll wait until 3:00. Currently too busy listening to the Lords of Acid. "Spacy B*tch" is my current fave. HMMM...what else can I do that involves nothing constructive? ::Sudden urge to watch Fushigi Yuugi/Cowboy Bebop:: GRRRRRRR, no es posible.


AAAAHHHH, Spanish!!! That currently equals school, b/c my spanish final is tomrrow. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, frickin Ms. Carmell giving me an 89%!!!


Must go screw around somewhere.

the family always gets bad around night-time

Ah, finals week is here. So it begins...only not, because weight training is in no way a real final.
:: Glo Paint 7:05 ::

...
Today the little man is predicting the grades I will get in my classes. (("And so, as the girl studied, she began to understand that it was not possible to do well and maintain the A's she had in her classes...")) I try to keep him from doing it, but if you've ever tried to stuff a fat man in a closet when he doesn't want to go, you'll understand the difficulties I'm having. (And, if you've ever actually DONE it, well, you're a freak. What'd the fat guy ever do to YOU??)

Breaking from studying for finals. I have nothing classes again tomorrow, so I am studying for the next day's tests. That way, I can get a ahead a bit. Wow, it sounds like I actually know what I'm doing. AHHH, three more days until my exit to eternal summer slacking (eternal evidently=three months...).

Mittens says my narrator should be Toulouse from Moulin Rouge. Weeeell, he's close, but not quite the same. So, my narrator's heck is Toulouse.

LOL, I have my own personal slang. Well, my group of peoples does. But it still is in the being of humor that is of goodage.
:: Glo Paint 5:58 PM ::


...

FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:: Glo Paint 8:27 PM ::


...
"And thus, the girl finally realizes that her life is supposed to equal no more, and no less, than misery." -Toulouse, the annoying little fat man in my psyche.
:: Glo Paint 8:29 PM ::


...
Oh God. What the hell am I doing? They're finally making me live up to their expectations...
:: Glo Paint 8:31 PM ::


...
PERFECT
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder


How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet


Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud


I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying


Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect

:: Glo Paint 8:38 PM ::


...
Wow. I am really shocked. I think we may have solved our problems. It took two hours, but we did.They actually, finally listened to me. The family, that is...um. Where to go from here?
... ... .... ....
Happiness. Ooooooooooooooooooooooh. ((How long will it last??))
:: Glo Paint 10:17 PM ::

the little man who lives in my closet

I think Unc hates me. I'm trying to think of a time when he's been nice to me since the "troubled child" episode. It's like ever since he decided I was f*cked in the head, he's decided to treat me like crap. Cuz we ALL know that's gonna help things, right? ((Talking monkey...))

This morning in the car on the way to pick up Rose the only thing he said to me was "I can't take this music, Lauren". Then he turns off the CD. So I turn off the radio, thinking he wants silence. He glares at me and then turnes it onto some horrible song. I tell him I don't like it, and he turns it up. I turn it down. He turns it up again and goes "You're not the only person in the car, Lauren." "Neither are you," I reply, trying to get him to understand that a compromise is needed...he just glares at me again and turns it up more. After the song is over, he turns off the radio and then goes to sleep.

So, this evening I see him at dinner. I was talking to Fam about something and he cuts in and says "Lauren, you make no sense." I look at him and go, "Unc, that was really mean. Can you do me a favor and not say stuff like that to me?" He smiles cruelly and says "Only if you do me a favor and do the same. And I know you can't." Needless to say, that made me sad. Then Fam starts yelling at me to stop it. ((Me?))

So then I move on and I'm talking about this summer and the job I'm supposedly getting (I'm not bitter, oh nooooo.) Fam mentions that it's too bad I can't work somewhere close, and I say "Well, I'm getting my license soon, and so is Rose, so we should be able to work it out." She goes "Yeah, but I'm not letting you use my car all the time, you know." I say "I know, but when I get a job, I'd like you to help me buy a car." She says "We'll see." I say "It'll make it a lot easier." She goes "yeah, it would", and then Unc cuts in with "No, it won't. When you hit someone, it'll make it really HARD on us." Then he goes off into this whole tirade about how they're going to take their sweet time in getting me a car because I'll be too inexperienced and he's amazed that Mittens's parents even let her have a car so early on... blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!

Fam looks at him oddly and goes "Well, you're being a little harsh." He puffs up and says "No, I'm not! I'm telling the truth! If she thinks she's going to get a car anytime soon she's wrong!"

I look at him and go "Look, I'm done eating now", and go to leave. He says as I go "I'm being honest, Lauren. I never got a car."

I say "Well, you were deprived, weren't you?" ::sarcasm was finally allowed to leak through:: He yells after me "No, I wasn't. I earned my car." (Of course implying with his tone of voice that I, being the lowly, troubled child that I am, don't deserve to own one.)

So now here I am, feeling like crap yet again. Another dinner with the damn family.
WHAT THE HELL DO THEY WANT ME TO DO!?! GOD, I WOULD DO ANYTHING JUST TO MAKE THEM SHUT UP, LEAVE ME ALONE, AND BE HAPPY!!!!
:: Glo Paint 6:47 PM ::


...
I discovered a good thing about grammar. It dulls the senses of even the most pained mind. (Can you tell what I've been doing for the past hour??)

The Little Man Who Lives in My Closet
Picture a short, sweaty fat guy in a tux, tophat, and tails. (Oh, and a cane. Don't forget the cane.) Nobody can see him except you. He lives in your closet, and his sole purpose in life is to be your voice of impending doom. Once in a while he'll hop out, flourish his hat and cane, and bellow "MISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!" in a rich tenor, then tug at the waist of his pants, bow, wish you a good day, and calmy walk back into your closet. He's always, always right, too.


But he doesn't stop there, oh noooo. Sometimes, on a particularly stressful day, he'll leave the closet entirely and follow you around, huffing and puffing, all day. This is when he takes on his full role of narrator. You'll be sitting there at the dinner table and he'll monotonously intone "And the long days of summer loom ahead, threatening to swallow the girl and drown her in familial misery," or "As she gazed her aunt, she realized resistance was futile and began to cave in to her ridiculous accusations."
The little man in the closet is the embodiment of sarcasm, futility, and most of all, impending doom. He enjoys it. And he is finding more and more ways to sneak out of the closet when I'm not looking.

:: Glo Paint 8:23 PM ::

funny stuff

well, mein schmetterling... ... ...those are the only two German words I know, and I'm not even sure I spelled "my" right. Schmetterling=buttefly=mariposa...Well, I also know "bestrafe mich", but that's not going to get me far in life. (Bestrafe mich means "punish me".)
This summer, though, thanks to Mittens's dad, I will finally learn how to really speak such a bad-ass language. Biker says German can be pretty. I've never heard it be, but she actually speaks the language, so I'll take her word for it. Heh. "Ich liebe dich..." That means I love you, but it sounds in no way pretty... SCHMETTERLING!!! Man, why am I starting to manglize a language I don't even know yet? ::sigh:: This is going to be a LOOOOONG summer...thank God!!! I hope it contains so much frickin' hilarity that I pull my phoenix routine at least twice a day.
Man, I had forgotten that you can actually begin to feel waterlogged if you stay in a swimming pool for too long. It is not pleasant. Oh, and the sun is trying to make me blonde, and is summoning my freackles. ((LOL!!! FREAK-les!!! BAD TYPO!!!!))
HEEEE, I missed my freckles. I'm glad they're coming back. =)

MUST...GO...STUDY... aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. "Done" with math. Now time to "finish" Spanish. And eventually I will "start" learning the grammar for the Damn?d Pegasus Final of D?m.


((ayudame- so says Lauren's Inner Adult))

sudden determination to continue slacking

AAAAAH. TIme to get down to business and do my study guides for finals. This really sucks!!! You see, I've worked really hard to keep my grades in the A range, but I have borderline B-A grades in several classes, so I actually have to worry about some of my finals. Oh well. I will survive...or go absolutely INSANE. Man, if I had only tried a little harder last year. Now I have to get really good grades to drag my GPA up. I mean, it's good and all, but not good like I want it. Cuz I know I'm a better student than my GPA reflects.... So I'm gonna MAKE my GPA reflect what I want.

ARGH. Why was I suck a fricken' slacker freshman? Or even better, why didn't I slack off in the RIGHT way?? Cuz I'm doing even LESS work this year, but I'm turning stuff in when I should, so my grades are better. Why didn't I learn the fine art of slacking earlier? UGH.


Time to get crackin'. This is DEFINITELY a Rammstein day!!!!!!!!!!
:: Glo Paint 1:37 PM ::
...

mostly Spanish

Tengo un amigo que quiere hablar conmigo en espa?ol. Se llama Craig. Esta en una universidad de Alabama (un estado que tiene casi nunca profudidad... JAJA), y ello parece ser muy amable.

(I have a friend who wants to speak in spanish with me. His name is Craig. He goes to a university in Alabama ((Inside joke about profundity...no need to translate it... HAHA)), and he seems to be very nice.)


This might turn out to be fun. Have I possibly found my own Sti? ((Sings: "A sti to call my own...")) Wait, and I somehow twisting a song? NOOOOOOOOO!!!


I think I'm gonna sleep now. Bye.
:: Glo Paint 11:06 PM ::


...
By the way, I never did get around to studying... oh well.
:: Glo Paint 11:06 PM ::

classic procrastination

I have a dilemma. Screw around all night and de-stress, or be productive and do some finals stuff? The more I do now, the less I have to do this weekend, but the more stressed and angry I'll be.

I have a dilemma. I think I'll watch TV while I decide.
:: Glo Paint 7:33 PM ::


...
Still haven't decided. HMMMM, I should work on my story until I do.
:: Glo Paint 8:18 PM ::

...
Now trying to find someone who speaks Spanish to talk to. Have been inspired by Mittens and Sti. ?Quiero un "Sti" para m?!
:: Glo Paint 9:20 PM ::


...
AAAH, Jon just IMed me. Now I can't study, cuz I haven't talked to him in a while (ie- one week.) HEH.
:: Glo Paint 10:17 PM ::


...
Currently talking to Vanya (or is it Vanja)? She is so VERY interesting...

:: Glo Paint 11:17 PM ::

trippy

Hmmmm, note to self- Don't listen to Lords of Acid when laying on a bed underneath a blacklight and staring at your fan which has been attacked by glo paint.

Understand why I feel all trippy?

once again left out by family

They bitch at me for never eating with them when they go out to eat. But they always go when I have no time to! I mean, they KNEW Rose was coming over to help me study for the Chemistry test I'm going to fail, and yet they ask me "Do you want to go out to eat with us?" They KNEW I was busy, so I told them that, and she says "Well, it's polite to ask." In other words, she knew I couldn't go. The next time they hold the "you never hang out with us" thing against me, oooooh, am I EVER going to bring this up.

They never even ask me when they go places anymore. Either they don't want me along, or they think I'll just say no because that's what I "always do".


Why the hell do I feel so bad about this? ((When will they start being nice? I can't do it all on my own...I only wish it was that easy. That way I could be whatever the hell it is they want me to be so they'd just shut up and be nice. And finally leave me alone so I don't feel like a worthless piece of shit anymore.))

:: Glo Paint 6:37 PM ::

two sentance post

Hmmmmm. I think school is finally slowing down. THANK GOD.

bondage mode again, lol

Fam bought SLAM a graduation present. Wow. SHOCK, SHOCK. That means she takes him seriously. ((...the hell?!!!!!!!!!!!))

I think I'll buy him handcuffs as a gag gift. Dunno what I'll get him for his real present. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

another encounter with the 7th circle of hell

Well, that was a waste of forty-five minutes. I should be doing an essay right now, but thanks to the Fam Damily, I am in NO MOOD. She came home and griped, griped, griped, and then yelled at me when I got upset at her for doing it. So I told her why I was upset, and she twisted it and blew it out of proportion and has now decided that her entire being is worthless because "I told her so." And I thought we had been doing ok? HA!

I mean, is it so wrong to get upset when she tells me to clean the kitchen? So I do, and then I come in and find her re-arranging the dishwasher, and then bitching at me for not doing it! Is it so wrong to be kind of sad that the first words out of her mouth when she saw me were "I'm leaving, clean the kitchen, I swept the floor, you need to mop it." Then she leaves. No hello, no goodbye. No how was your day. Just and order and then her pissyness because I didn't do it good enough.


When will it ever be good enough?


((On a more ironic note, the evil disk that "guarded" my story is now being used by me as a coaster for my water glass. HEH. I hope it likes the water rings it's getting. Bastard deserves it.)


God, now I AM going to be up all night. Damn you, FAM.
:: Glo Paint 8:54 PM ::
...

And if one bitch fest wasn't enough, she came in and asked me what my problem was. So I told her, instead of keeping my mouth shut and letting her whine. So then she said I was just like my mom. And then yelled at me when I started crying about it.

There's no one I wan't to be LESS like than my mother. Her bad qualities, I mean. God, that hurt. And she knew it would, too. And that makes it that much worse.
:: Glo Paint 9:14 PM ::


...
I am in serious pain now. I, of course, got worked up, and started coughing really hard... and now my lungs ache and my throat is all raw and junk. My eyes are swollen, too.

What is wrong? The inhaler helps my breathing problem, but it isn't actually HELPING it. Get better I mean. What do I have wrong with me now? And why do I have this strange paranoia that it is in my head, and I'm making it up? I think its because people in my family have a tendency to do that. Maybe it is just stress from living with Satan and Co? All I know is that any time I get excited or upset...BAM! I can't breathe.


It's a dull ache, too. The kind that is most serious. But there is no way in hell that I am going back to that doctor again. Maybe I'll go to Rose's doctor.
:: Glo Paint 9:30 PM ::

darn

HMMMMM. Fam most decisively outlawed SLAM from going to Seattle. So that leaves everybody totally ruled out. I'm gonna have to think about this. Mittens does want to go. I'll have to ask Biker and Rose.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

no school

Ack. Dilemma. First of all, the car behind "my car" won't start, so I have "no way to get to school". This means that today is the day I play hooky and hang out with Fam and MiniFam. And work on the homework I know I have.

My real dilemma, though, is who to take to Seattle this summer. You see, I'm officially allowed to only take one person. But who? Abigale has already been, so I'll rule her out. ((Sorry babe)). Rose, Mittens, Biker, SLAM. Rose hates fish, Mittens is intolerant of cold, and I'm not sure how bad Biker wants to go. So that leaves SLAM, but Fam would lose her top if I asked...


Who, who who who WHO?!!!

good day+disk corruption=no longer good day

Well, my blog was all nicely updated this AM after I actually DID my chem homework, but the stupid server messed up and now I have to remember all of the interesting blah I wrote.
So, here goes!

About my dream... I normally don't remember them, but for some reason I remembered this entire one. Every single person I know (talk to) was in it. All I am going to say is that Brendan is in no way "my Jesus" like he now seems to think, Biker should never wear tight rainbow shirts, and God's little brother is scary. But, on a good note-I'm even faithful to SLAM in my dreams! Go me!!! (Wow, a big improvement since 7th grade...) ((aaaaah))


(By the way, when I put things in double (( )), it's what I'm thinking as I write this. Just FYI)


My dream last night was no better. I remember a lot less of it, but I DO know that I was watching and A&E documentary on the hardships and high competition in the porn industry... and how Playboy Bunnies are backstabbers who will do anything to get ahead... ((why? why? why?))


On to the new way to deal with Fam. Since the NLP failed a long time ago, I have come up with the New and Improved Fam Toleration Method (acronym: NIFTM)!!


Here's what it is, in a few easy steps:
1) Collect pillows and some sort of music
2) Find the most obnoxious place possible and get comfy: stretch out, cover as much room as you possibly can. Make sure it's someplace odd (ie: floor, hallway, stairs, front lawn, back porch, kitchen table, etc)
3) "Fall asleep"- this involves laying there and grooving to music. Just make sure you look thoroughly asleep.
4) Try not to laugh when they yell for you, look around, and then sneak off quietly whwn they realize you are "asleep".
5) Try not to laugh when they have to step over you to get from Point A to Point B.
6) Actually fall asleep.
7) Wake up alone in the house, thoroughly confused and wondering why your neck hurts.


Yes, in this way I manage to spend two or three hours out of the line of fire of my family, and I also catch enough sleep to have energy when homework time appears (9 PM).


Hmmmm, SLAM has only been gone for two days, can I be having withdrawal ALREADY?? Wow, this week is gonna SUCK.
:: Glo Paint 4:12 PM ::


...
I feel ill.

The novel I was writing, that I have worked on SO hard... 300 pages are gone forever because three sectors of a disk are corrupt. And my backup files are mysteriously gone...


I'm gonna go throw up now. A year and a half of my life has now been made worthless.
:: Glo Paint 7:20 PM ::

all the motivation I lack

I had something interesting to rant about, but I can't remember what. OH yeah... my dream last night.

Only suddenly all motivation has failed me. So, I plan to go to sleep and then talk about all this after I finish my h/w in the morning. That, and my new method for dealing with Fam. =) It's not evil, just funny.
:: Glo Paint 10:42 PM ::

I need to meditate or punch someone

If I EVER hear the word "project" come out of Mrs. Roberts' mouth ever again I am going to get up, scream, rip out a large chunk of her hair, throw her out a window, and then look at the class and say "well, we all just got A's."

If you can't tell, I'm stressed out. Too many things to do, not enough time.

Prom was fun. Since I don't feel like talking about it/complaining about my life, I'm going to go manipulate people's lives/play the Sims-Hot Date. And then install my other three new games. Maybe. Or I could study for my Odyssey test. HAH. Yeah, right.

you don't know what a phoenix is. too bad.

Wow. If you want to see me pull a "phoenix"....long story... say this to me.
CROOOOOOT.

Not KRAUT. NOT CROTE. "oo" as in "boo".


CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT.


ROFLMAO.................................
Picked up SLAM's tux today. He looks good. Dress fits right. All is shiny.


(((((crooooot. Oh Lord.....)))))
:: Glo Paint 10:17 PM ::

...
No job.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
:: Glo Paint 10:19 PM ::