The World is Evil

I was beginning to be worried about Fam, but I finally got ahold of her today so I could thank her for the zafu/zabuton money and my Valentine's Day gift from Harry and David (pears, apples, and three kinds of cheese. As soon as it all ripens I am feasting on a plate of slices of everything while listening to 2raumwohnung.) She's doing okay. Muttered something about finding a 25-year old cabana boy in Cancun who wants to do nothing but ravish her. I quickly filed that under "Things I never thought I would ever hear my Aunt say unless I was suddenly ported to an alternate dimension where I was a cat."

The conversation left me with a general impression that the world is evil, though. I've believed my entire life that people are genuinely good, but sometimes things come along and try to change my mind, and each time it gets a little harder to get over it. Because of this, I'm really upset and depressed today.

First, my uncle evidently does not want me to find out about the divorce AT ALL. He says that he's afraid it will upset me too much and I won't be able to focus in school. I told Fam "wow, he doesn't give me very much credit, does he?" I mean yes, I am upset, but I'm keeping it together, adjusting, and looking for ways to help out, like getting a job. I've been through worse, and I am by no means a delicate porcelein flower. It sounds like he's trying to look out for my best interests, but I wonder how much of it was really driven by cowardice. He's afraid to talk to me about it, and this seems like the most reasonable way to justify putting it off. But like I told Fam, "so when is he planning on telling me, exactly? It's not like I'm going to be in the area any time soon." She has no idea. I'm not holding my breath. The worst thing about this is I just have to wait and pretend to be completely oblivious.

Secondly...I'm almost afraid to tell people because of how much its upset me, but it's what is making me so upset. I'm not that close with my blood relations, but there are a couple who I remember liking. One of my cousins risked the wrath of the family and married a black man. I always admired her for how brave she was and how happy they were. She had a daughter by a previous marriage, who when I was 12 married a guy who was 20 years older than her.

Well, I found out today that the daughter's husband shot her and then killed himself. She was only 25. They had four children, none of which are older than four, who now have no parents. The four-year-old was the one who found them. My cousin and her husband are taking them in so they don't have to be separated, but that child...that's not something that's forgettable. The younger ones will be fine, but...just...the world is evil.

I wasn't told why he did it. Maybe there isn't really a why. And that's why I'm so upset. How can things like this happen? How can someone actually DO THAT to his wife, his own children?

It's fundamentally wrong. I can't imagine a mind selfish enough to be able to do that to everyone he knew. Because he didn't just kill himself and his wife by doing this. He killed his kids, his family, her family, their friends. He killed me. That may sound weird, but it's the truth. He ripped something vital out of everyone who knew them in the slightest and told everyone who cared just how worthless he perceived them all to be.

I don't just feel bad for the children, or for his wife. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for everyone else who had to find out about this and has to deal with it now. That's why it's hurting me so much.