The Ultimate in Boring Crap for Your Enjoyment

Chaos Theory

A flower blooms, breaking free,
wet with fresh rain that glistens in the sun;
a mother, sick and scared, breathes her last alone,
for her family is already dead from drought.

A blackbird caws, disturbing the air,
whipping it down with angry wings;
a son, pink and new, is born mute,
forced to love the world in silence.

A tree limb cracks, crashing down in a storm,
unable to withstand the wind's fury;
a father, red with anger, inhales sharply,
does not strike his daughter.

A tree limb.
A blackbird.
A flower.
Who knew the insignificant held such power?
______________________________________________________
It's not original, it's not good. I'm depressed.

::EDIT::
Blackberries

I sometimes feel a craving for blackberries.
Not because I love the taste,
Not because they are my favorite,
But because they are keys to my memory.
I see the faded light and always sunny day of childhood,
I see the ever-smiling face and perfect long hair of my best friend
each time I stain my mouth with a simple berry.

In this memory everything was country,
And I believed with a child's faith that the trees and grasses went on forever.
My friends and I would long for summer, impatient for the dry heat,
And we knew with our first cup of hard-won berries that it was here.

Most kids just scoured the edge of the patch,
Afraid to venture into the bracken and get the best ones.
But we would go deeper, far into the thorns,
Sleeveless and often shoeless, just to get first choice.
The cuts and scratches would burn for days, but we didn't care;
They added the flavor of victory to the cupfuls,
and made the hose water that washed them all down seem like wine.

~W.D.W.

It's not what I want yet. Ah, well, at least it's not as bad as the last one I cranked out today.

Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe I just am not used to a non-rhyming style...I feel a craving for meter. And my language choice seems so bland.

For Edna
The water washes over me
My eyes shut to find the light
But the lack without reflects within
i'm afraid of the battle I must fight.

The water brings the dark
i lose all will to swim to shore
The surrounding gloom begs me to sleep
i just can't do this anymore.

The water soon chills my skin
My hair flows about me like a caress
Just as lost lover's comforting hands
Would soothe the last damsel in distress.

my skin grows cold and transparent
veins and bones stand in sharp relief
nothing is hidden- all is apparent.
i want to swim- i need belief.

~W.D.W.

Alright boys and girls, who knows their great female writers? Does this ring a bell? Anyone? Anyone?
aaaah, you all are losers.

What came to me during my friend's gig:

What is a tree?
I.
A shelter.
With kind leaves to counter elements;
Sharp shields, a green protecting army,
and branches that ungrudgingly hold
weary bird and beast alike.

II.
Life.
Without these rough-barked giants
who mass-produce the air we breathe
yet attach no value added,
where am I?

III.
A Playground.
I scramble clumsily up the trunk,
my rough child's feet gripping smooth bark,
and my hands pull me higher.
I can spy everything from here.
Others shout down below.

IV.
A mother.
A safe haven I turn to
when my day has been wrong.
I sit hidden; the breeze gives branchy hugs
and rocks me until the sadness flees.

V.
A best friend.
I will entrust no one but a tree
With the knowledge of whom I love.
Soft giggles and red flushed cheeks
as I cut his initials into the trunk,
trusting my secret will be safe.

VI.
A builder.
Without trees there would be no written word,
no fires to warm pale, cold-bumped skin.
They give selflessly, we give nothing:
they do not crave gratitude.

~W.D.W.

More Crappy Poetry, Baby. Run. Now.

Ghost Chant

The apex of the dawn draws near
(There's a chill inside of me)
Soul-less depths fill full of fear
(Lack of will inside of me)

Light reveals the fractured faults
(Something cries inside of me)
The all-devouring darkness halts
(Something dies inside of me)

Here it is, a blinding blaze
(Something tears inside of me)
Reluctantly the shadow strays
(Nothing cares inside of me)

Soon I'll flicker and fade away
(I know what dies inside of me)
No more shadows. It is day.
(No more lies inside of me)

~W.D.W.

I have wanted to to a call and answer poem for a long time, and this is what came out. I have no opinion.
__________________________________________________

For Fam
Faster and faster the angry words fly;
They cut and they bite their way down within.
I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.

Her voice begins to suffocate; I feel her love die.
Around me all civility is caving down in.
Faster and faster the angry words fly.

My moment of weakness; I no longer try.
Her eyes are dark with hatred- that's when
I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.

She pauses for breath; in that moment I spy
Another opening where I can dig my nails in.
Faster and faster the angry words fly.

Her eyes shine with hurt; why did I...
We're both so angry; where did this begin?
I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.

Tomorrow I'll wake and I'll feel low, like some sin.
How shallow and petty we must seem in God's eye!
But faster and faster the angry words fly,
So I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.

~W.D.W.

Yes, I wrote that in honor of me and Fam, but I'd never show it to her because she wouldn't get it. She wouldn't focus on the repentive ending; she'd be all over the feel-sorry-for-myself beginning.
Anyway, bitterness over. I chose this format because the format is very much like the repetitive cycle of our fights. We repeat and nitpick over the same things, and I wnated to show that. I wonder if anyone would pick up on that if I did not tell them?
Funny thing...I'm not an orthodoxly religious person...I was very surprised when He showed up in my poem.
_______________________________________________

Death to the King
Today is the day- as your life fades away
Your world will become empty and grey.
We will watch you die and have nothing to say.
Today is the day- your hair has grown grey,
Your eyes are dim, and why, we can't say,
But you simply refuse to go away.

-but we shall make you, anyway.

~W.D.W.

I found this in my psychology binder today. I don't remember quite when I wrote it, but I revised it and put it up here anyway. I showed it to Biker, she laughed really hard for a while and said it was great. She has a funky sense of humor- I thought it was as morbid as could be. Oh well.
_________________________________________________

Little note that makes me smile: The Dragon's license plate is NME.
n.m.e........enemy, perhaps?

Crappy Mini-Poem Right Here, Right Now.

Good things don't come to those who try,
and fail anyway in the end
Instead they come to those who wait-
Effectively delivered by hand.

Crappy Poetry Part I

Procrastinatress
It is often difficult for me to comprehend
How I can so capably ruin a good thing.
For example:
They say patience is a virtue;
They have obviously never met me.

~W.D.W.

This one doesn't have much to it. I wasn't trying to impress anyone; I was just attempting to cleverly state a fact. The job of the title is to explain what I am talking about. If I showed this poem sans title, I am sure fewer people would fully appreciate what I am talking about.
I played with the word procrastinator and decided on procrastinatress because it makes it seem like I have it down to an art form distinct to me. (Which is true.)
_____________________________________________________
::EDIT::
Autumn Mocks Me
The breeze hurries the husks of leaves by my feet
As I stroll through the dusk and down the street
My coat mimics the leaves and licks at my shoes
I think it would like to be taken up too
But I am too heavy to flutter away.
The breeze that could bring me up would break me down
I'd be flying free amidst chunks of debris
That would split or splinter and sting into me.
My new shirt would be darkened and dirtied and damp
Not bright and white but a bloody dark brown
And I doubt I'd be able to bring myself down.
So right about here is where I will stay
Not up in the air but safe on the ground
My face still and cold as the leaves zip around

Up me, around me, and down me they fly
Tauntingly telling me tales of the sky.

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

~Theodore Roethke

See? Isn't this an awesome villanelle? I love the format of this poem! Ah...must go write my own!

::EDIT::
Did no homework this weekend because I needed a break. However, that means that I will be more busy this week that formerly intended. Oh well. Next weekend is bowling and pointfest, so I'll really have to work hard to keep my weekend free...but I can do it. After this week, I'll almost be free. Almost.

::2ND EDIT::
I made this to rant. Why don't I feel like it??

::sigh:: I want to run, but I'm sure I need another rest day. My right shin still aches. Being on my feet all weekend at work probably hasn't helped matters much. It's frustrating...

I need to go do homework, but I'm in no mood.

I wonder when Fam and Unc get back. Do I have one more night of peace, or no? They left Friday; I doubt it.

Well, Fam and Unc are gonna be gone the whole weekend again, so when I'm not working, I'll have peace.
To do homework.
But I'll be one final down by the time this day is over, so I'm not really all that worried.
More later, have to go get people and get gas. Oh, shit!

Slept for four hours last night and felt better...

then went running to test new insoles, and feel worse.

Must go study for the two finals I have tomorrow.

Insomnia Con'td

Almost started crying because I want a grilled cheese sandwich but can't make it. I have reached a new low. 3:32 PM

Alright, I thought yesterday sucked... I had NO CLUE what was in store for me today. Actually made it through my classes...well, in body, anyway. My mind died around 4 AM when I woke up and had a panic attack.

I tried to go home, but they wouldn't let me drive...so I lost time when I could have been sleeping because Fam wouldn't come pick me up. Then, she just randomly shows up after school and forbids me to drive home. So she drives me, and Dragon Lady drives my car. ((I am going to have to get it professionally cleaned and blessed by a priest. I HATE that woman.))

Well, I figured that since she (Fam) and her wallet (money) were there, I could take the opportunity to go by Borders and get these four books I need for classes (have needed since last month)...but she's like "No, it's out of my way, I don't have time, blah, etc...." Well, we drove right by it on the way home. Selfish bitch. Heaven forbid she EVER take time out of her "busy" schedule for me. Now I remember why I don't ask her to do things for me anymore (remembers the research paper fiasco, the time I asked her to get me Jell-o when I had the flu and couldn't keep anything else down, etc.)

Maybe I can sleep tonight, even if it is just for a little while.

This is the last night, right? I almost never have this for longer than three days...

I can survive until tomorrow night. ((Can I survive until tomorrow night?)) ﾂｶ 3:21 PM

Scroll to bottom for part 1, babe

Well, I got to sleep at like three and kept on waking up about every half hour. Ah, insomnia. Welcome back. Wonder how long this will last?

So now I have a new plan: Skip classes, sleep until twelve, then do homework all night. If I sleep tonight, more power to me. If not, it's off to school in a half-dazed, drugged state. I'm too close to the end to be missing school.

So fucking tired. Why can't I just sleep? I started having insomnia when I was twelve. Now I get it about once or twice a year, usually for three days- once as long as a week and a half ((shudder)). The family says it's due to stress...I think I agree with them. But with my insomnia usually comes a burst of motivation and artistic genuis, so in a way I enjoy it. Up all night, gettting ahead in school, writing junk, drawing...then after a while I crash and will spend a weekend sleeping. It's called REM rebound, you know.

Motor skills are less than my norm. It requires a ton of concentration to move, and steps are freaking me out.

Despues del viaje

Hmph. Was in bed until 11 trying to sleep...managed to crash for about an hour, I think. Then I woke up and spent an hour trying to get this site to function for me.

Once I'm done here it is off to the library. I also have to see if it is possible to salvage my math project. I don't think so, but I shall try my best. Sleep tonight had better be an impossibility, because I have a lot of things to do.

Fam just walked in, so I did a pre-emptive eye roll. Right after I did, she told me to clean stuff. Huh. Imagine.

I am SOOOOO ready for summer and for Seattle- you have no idea, random reader. I can't wait to be back up on the canal, living my life by the tide, because when it's in, I'm on the water; when it's out, I'm sleeping or wishing it was in. I can't wait to bang and bruise myself up trying to learn to waterski again (I have never quite managed to stay up). Tubing is a must, only hopefully this time I won't bruise my chin and spilt my lip open when Unc cuts through the wake. ((It looked cool, tho. Like I had been in a fight.))

ARGH. Fam is now yelling at me about leaving a door unlocked four days ago. Right. I wonder if she realizes that I am tired and stressed and more than in the mood to make her life hell? So now it's wash my hair, find pants, and off to the library. If I stay home, bad things will happen. Today I am not in the mood for emotional pain, so I plan to avoid it for as long as possible. 12:18 PM

Back from library. Have discovered I am developing an unhealthy obsession with Margaret Atwood novels. Went to get Body and Soul for yet another project, and ended up with two new Atwood books. ("Nuevos libros", not "libros nuevos".) So now, if I can't sleep tonight and I have all my homework done, I will just start turning pages in The Edible Woman.

I swear I will eventually turn my last few entries into cohesive rants like the first one and not just semi-lucid ramblings. But my brain is a bit hazy and the only reason my fingers are typing at all is because of my incredible willpower. My body wants to go lie down, but I know that if I do I won't sleep. My mind is too awake behind its fog.

Hmmmm, will go running again tonight. I think after the first mile I'll break, suck on a piece of ice, do some push-up, sit-ups, and sits, then run another mile before I call it good. Gotta keep the ol heart rate up to increase the metabolism, you know. 1:39 PM

Insomnia and Masochism

Two more things that prove I have masochistic tendencies.

First, I went to go swim/study (note which one I put first). Went over knowing full well we wouldn't get any work done, and that I really had no spare time. While there, didwim some laps for exercize, but I could have done so much more. Which means I still have to go on my 30 minute run tonight. So, though fun, it was a complete waste of time and I now am behind on my research paper. So I better not be able to sleep tonight, because now I can't, anyway.

Second, I am now sitting here gnawing on a carrot and choking down a slighty wilted salad with cheese. Here's where it gets funny: I'm a red meat veggie-tarian, but I don't like veggies! So even though I am actually having a healthy dinner, I am not enjoying it. It HURTS to eat salad. There's something about the texture...I've tried for two years, but I just can't make myself like it. But, I eat it anyway. Who knew it was so painful to be healthy?

Hmmmm, I have no more reason to write for now. Unless I feel like procrastinating further and totally screwing myself over. Nope, better get on with it. Once it get the intro done, it should all be relatively easy.

If I can't sleep tonight and I have all my homework done (or all that I can get done without endangering my sanity), I'll read and probably watch "Gattaca". I figurt's time to see what all the fuss is about up at work. ﾂｶ 8:13 PM

The Week of DEATH

Ahhh, Band Camp. Or should I say "AAAAAAAAH"? (Don't even get started with all the American Pie crap. I've heard it all, especially since I play the flute. So just quit now.)

Anyway, we decided this year to go off to Macomb, IL (welcome Rams and fans!!). I don't know why. I have a theory, though. It's four hours away from good ol St Louie, and it's in the middle of NOWHERE, so the chances of any of us running off were none. I mean, hey, if you like corn and cattle, but otherwise...

As Mittens said, it was all straight out of 1984. Morning yoga, tasteless breakfast, hard marching in unbearable heat, tasteless lunch (cheese plop, Paste-a, chicken "stix"...), try to stay awake durning indoor practice, tasteless dinner, more marching, fungus-infested showers, giggle-giggle-giggle...

The highlights were...wait, how could there have possibly been highlights amidst the misery?? I mean, c'mon, three people in my section went home with heat exhaustion!! Hmmmm, we were all in pain and utterly exhausted...Blu's right- we're all masochists. It was great to be away, and I got to know a lot of people (half the band probably thinks I like Paul. He's interesting, but not the BF type. Too thin (("You'd break him, you're too rough"- Toulouse)), and just something about his personality...He can't even pretend to measure up to SLAM. He's the friend type.) Like Henry was the friend type. Speaking of, he e-mailed me today. Odd, the way he just popped out of nowhere.

Argh. This is incoherent. Sometime later I'll get back on and wright a properly sarcastic summary. For now... Just waiting to see SLAM and do a little painting.

The return of Toulouse

It was supposed to be a good day. I got up, showered, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen... went out to the car to head off to work...
Someone had broken into my car. They left my stereo system, my CD player, my wallet, my spare key (so in essence, my entire CAR...) but they took my cellphone. MY CELLPHONE?!! Who the hell breaks into a car professionally enough to NOT do damage, leaves all the expensive stuff, and takes a fucking CELLPHONE?? I am pissed at both the loss of my cellphone AND the stupidity of the thief. My car doesn't even have tags and TITLE yet! ((Thank God the DUMB one robbed me.))
Anyway, so Toulouse is back out en masse (and yes, IN MASS, too) telling me stuff like "And thus the girl discovers that the world is full of stupid people," and "Are you SURE you locked the car?". I hate him.
I hate Fam, too. She's trying to make me replace the phone on my own. Nope. It wasn't my fault, there is no doubt, so why the hell should I pay like it was?? And also, now she's all paranoid about my keys...etc.
She's also in a bad mood because she has finally figured out that Unc is an asshole. Especially now that he's got a literal pain in the ass and is in the hospital. I feel no sympathy for either of them. ((Am I evil? "Yes, you are so very-" I'm not in the mood, Toulouse. You best back down, fat man. "My job here is done...and well." ARGH!!!!! ::beats head on wall::))

Independence???

Well, I failed my first driver's test, but I got a 91 the second time. So I am now driving freely about the town. LOL. And Fam has done two things I predicted: a) Threaten to take away my car b) Make me run errands for her. The second one is fine, but the first royally pisses me off.

She also tried to get me to go to Ladue, but there is no way I'm switching shcools my junior year. Especially since I've been switching schools constantly since I was 13. So I AM staying in Webster, but...it's costing her 9 THOUSAND a year! I am pissed that it costs so much, but I am not in the least bit guilty she's having to pay it. After all, she moved me out of my school district, so she deserves it. ((Am I evil??))

Well, yesterday was a lot of fun. I ran errands for myself!!! I was so proud. I took my dog to Petsmart (mostly cuz I could.) I've always wanted to go shopping with him. He was very good in the store. I was incredibly surprised.
He's having bad dry skin problems, so I got him some special oatmeal shampoo that seems to be helping. I also got him this vitamin supplement to put in his food that adds in vitamin E and all that other good stuff to help his skin out. I'm glad to report he thinks it is yummy. I also got him a brush because I'm sick of having to wade through a sea of dog hair every day to get into my room. And, to reward him for being "good" during his bath I got him a basted rawhide bone. And a new rope toy so we can play. AND a new collar and leash, since both of his seem to be permanently missing (I had no part in it, I swear). They match. Both are purple with little white paw prints on them. ((OK OK. I got those because I wanted him to have a matching collar and leash set. So sue me.)) The total cost was $50 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I told him he better be worth it. So far, he's acting thoroughly thrilled. Fam, I am pleased to report, seems to be indifferent about the whole thing.

Must go swim, then run more errands. SO much stuff I gotta do... (("gotta".))

By the way, Mary's middle initial really IS "F"!!!

this sucks bum

First day of work today. I did a lot of face painting. It was fun. My favorite pattern is the octopus. It's supposed to be the hardest one, but I rock at it. Also, while I was working Marybeth came to see me with her friend Sydney. They were really cute and they were about to DIE when they saw me. It was really funny.
I was going to go practice parallel parking because I take my driver's test tomororw, but....ARGH!! There's a damn storm advisory or some crap like that. Oh well. I guess I'll just fail. LOL, no, I really doubt I will. I drive really well.
Anyway, Fam's pissed me off again, but I don't feel like talking about it because I've spent so much time yelling about it to Tiny One and my computer. Yeah. My computer hears a lot of smack. Smack. LOL. Smack.

Smack Fam. No.

MMMMMMMMMM, popsicle. See ya when.

I guess it all DOES work out in the end...

This has been a really hectic week. I haven't been writing because I had no modem for a while. We're mostly set up in the new house. It's a lot bigget than the old one. It doesn't seem like it at first, but at night you can really tell. I can't hear them, which means they can't hear me, so I can blast my music now. Finally.
Also, my room is bigger, which is nice, but now I'm going to have to get more decorations for it. Oh darn, right? ;) Soon Rose and I are going to paint it. Tiny One and I are in charge of revamping MiniFams's playhouse out back (of which I have taken forceful control of the top. She can't get up there anyway), and SLAM and I are going to finish the basement.
I have to talk about that now. There's this really junky room in the basement that you can't even see from the outside. It has that nasty fake wood paneling on the inside, and ugly linoleum floors...but it's my new study. ((Well, I'm actually naming it "Lauren's Lair". I'm going to make a poster for the door tonight.))
Anyway, I'm working really hard to get it set up for school. I am going to paint over that ugly brown with a cheerful mint green, put down a white rug over that crappy floor...decorate it, put in a few bright lamps, desk, laptop, bookshelf, beanbags...There are only benifits to this. It keeps me away from the fam, and I can trash it out at my leisure without anyone telling me to clean up after myself. It will be completely my area. =)
And that's not ALL the good news yet. Fam has finally quit griping about the car, because I got a job!! It's at the zoo. Guest Services, nothing special, but it'll get me the connections I need to get into the Bird House. Plus, it's money. Well, because of this, they are getting me a car in the next two days or so, and I get my license next week. So when they go on vacation...I can get where I need to go ON MY OWN.... ((THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))
Also, I got my braces off today!! I have upper AND lower retainers, though, and they suck, cuz I can't talk that well, but...I'll learn.

It's been fun.

This has a nice ring to it: "Mary Fucking Valentine!" All my people know what I'm talking about.

he vivido

Well, the new house sold, and fast. A couple from Ohio (of all places) is moving into it. ::sigh:: So I guess this is it. Time to move away. Oh well. ((Think of the car, think only of the car...))

Even that has lost its joy for me. Fam told me today "We're not getting you a car. It's not YOUR car. It's ours. We're just letting you drive it." God, Fam, it's not like I don't know that. But did you have to actually point it out? Why won't you ever just do something nice for me without making me feel like you're only doing it because you have to, or because it's not actually hurting you any? I felt so unwanted after she said that. And somehow like it was my fault that she was doing it.

It's not MY fault we're moving and I don't want to switch schools. So why...oh well. Why dwell on it? It will just make me sad, or angry at her again. I'm just so sick of her making me feel petty and weak.

SLAM and I might go to a drive-in movie on Saturday. I haven't been to one of those since I was, oh, FOUR. So this should be fun.

Rose and I are really pissed at Alice now. It turns out that she hires volunteers all the freaking time. So she's just trying to screw us over. So we're gonna get into the Bird House. I'm not going to work for that lying bitch ever again. And the Humane Society fell through. You have to be 18 to handle the animals. Screw them.

She and I are in a salsa dancing class now. It is SO much fun. SLAM might take the next session with us. =) That would be so great. I can't believe he wants to take dancing classes. It was actually his idea. HEE HEE, that would be SO MUCH fun!!! He and I could go dancing! Or just stay at home and dance. =)~ Either way...