HMPH An eventful day...maybe.

Went to the mall to get the "Goddess Workout" (Look, I just had to...It was cheap, and it looks as funny as all hell...) and ended up giving the Ultimate Mocha Chiller my number. So now we'll probably hang out...but I hope he knows I'm just looking for a friend. I'm probably being paranoid; I need to get off my high horse and stop assuming that every guy I talk to wants to date me.
Assuming that's even what I do.

I ran away today; Tiny One was acting mad...so I just left God's house and went home. I'm not even sure she was mad. (If she was, it would have been at me, but damnit, she can share the friggin pillows!!) It was just another dumb moment of me flipping out because everyone isn't perfectly happy, la di da, like it's my problem...but I can't get over the feeling that it IS. Rose would tell me to stop caring; I should, and I've tried, but I feel like it's my personal responsibility to keep everyone happy when we hang out in groups. So when I feel like it's my fault that they're upset, I run.

This may be why I get so stressed out in large groups of people.

One more thing... I'm getting sick, so today I had a "Zeus Juice" smoothie with "immune blast"...but I seriously doubt that a smoothie is going to make me better. Even if it was fantastically yummy.

Also, the moronic management struck again today. I showed up at 9:30...when I thought I was supposed to, only to discover I was 30 minutes late for the one area I was told I WASN'T going to be in. Bastards.

But, they did send me home early. So...I guess it all evens out?

?

I don't even know if I spelled "wherin" correctly. I feel like it needs another E.

On a lighter note...

The Welsher hit on me again at work today, so I got the opportunity to act like he does: "I know I look good, but you can't have me." Unlike him, I did have one trick up my sleeve for that inevitable moment wherin he placed his arm across my shoulders: I elbowed him in the solarplexis.

If I wasn't so short I wouldn't have the advantage that I have; my elbows line up perfectly with sternums, fists with kidneys, etc. On the flip side...Rose's elbows line up perfectly with my chest. OW.
::obscure, bitter laughter::


r a n t
I have come to the conclusion that every day at work I see humankind at its finest- thrown pell-mell into the unknown, muddling through, facing each new sign with rather forced cheerfulness, praying that they won't actually have to fork over more money. They read the sign that tells how to get free nectar and conveniently stop before the "for children wearing this T-shirt" bit, and they come up hopefully; they try to steal from me.
/or they walk up and ask me what I'm selling, and faithfully buy it with no clue as to what it's feeding.
/or Fam interrupts, and cuts me off mid-rant.

GODDAMNIT.

/Or they stand there and stare uncertainly at everything BUT me...the obvious answer to their questions.

People are dumb, hey?

And then, the point...

Second topic. Evidently tonight I can't write things flowingly- I have to block them off into stages.

I realized one of the more absurd teenage social tendencies today when reading over a letter sent to me by MS-DJ. We know each other vaguely from work, and I was under the impression we both liked each other pretty well. No, not in that attracted-type way, though there is nothing wrong with him, aside from the fact that I spent the majority of our conversations wondering if he was gay; the way he laughed had made me wonder.

Back to the point. He mentioned in passing in this letter (a group writing to all his friends) that his girlfriend was currently overseas. And it hit me- that whole time we knew each other at work we had been carefully avoiding the topic of relationships. Why? Because each of us were afraid the other person would lose interest in us if they found out we were taken...even though we were only interested in the other person as a friend! It is SO FREAKING RIDICULOUS!!

::ween's .tried and true. on repeat again:: <----(Thanks, SK. Thanks a lot...you obsession-inducing, should-be-gothic, punkass preppie freak.)

Long time, no rant-y

Good Lord, I am a loser. I went back to the zoo after all. But they offered me a raise AND a promotion...so now all I have to do is survive.

Ya know...it really isn't that bad. Even though there they seem to see me as the ANTI-socialite...they always put me in some clear glass cubicle totally alone for seven-and-a-half of the eight hours I work each day...so when I AM out, I act like a total freak. You know the drill: torment the groundskeepers, steal their grippy thingies and beat things with them, run up to your co-workers laughing hysterically, throw books, stare down children, feed a flock of pigeons...and scream I love you and hug whoever let you out. But hey...half the time I'm getting paid to do my homework, so I don't really care what they think of me.

Just read over that last paragraph. Have come to conclusion: If I stop acting like an utter lunatic, maybe they will let me associate with normal human beings!

Nah.

once...I had a purpose...

I came in from home all psyched because I had something to talk about...but the moment it came for me to write about it I promptly forgot. So I'll revert to my norm and ramble instead.

Spoiled myself today. Spent 140 of Fam's money on me. Bought a forty-dollar kimono top and a nice tin of white tea (among other things; white tea isn't quite THAT expenseive). Am blowing on the tea to cool it, and realized I can see my reflection in it. For some reason that impresses me right now. I must need to go to bed.

Tomorrow morning I must remember my masochistic side and a.) wake up early to exercise, and b.) wake up early to clean my room. Then off to work...

Met someone funny today. Well, I know him already, but I got a glimpse of his actual personality...so I met him. He'd be a good addition to the boy troop, or whatever they are. Certainly not a harem; possibly my friends.

The Ultimate in Boring Crap for Your Enjoyment

Chaos Theory

A flower blooms, breaking free,
wet with fresh rain that glistens in the sun;
a mother, sick and scared, breathes her last alone,
for her family is already dead from drought.

A blackbird caws, disturbing the air,
whipping it down with angry wings;
a son, pink and new, is born mute,
forced to love the world in silence.

A tree limb cracks, crashing down in a storm,
unable to withstand the wind's fury;
a father, red with anger, inhales sharply,
does not strike his daughter.

A tree limb.
A blackbird.
A flower.
Who knew the insignificant held such power?
______________________________________________________
It's not original, it's not good. I'm depressed.

::EDIT::
Blackberries

I sometimes feel a craving for blackberries.
Not because I love the taste,
Not because they are my favorite,
But because they are keys to my memory.
I see the faded light and always sunny day of childhood,
I see the ever-smiling face and perfect long hair of my best friend
each time I stain my mouth with a simple berry.

In this memory everything was country,
And I believed with a child's faith that the trees and grasses went on forever.
My friends and I would long for summer, impatient for the dry heat,
And we knew with our first cup of hard-won berries that it was here.

Most kids just scoured the edge of the patch,
Afraid to venture into the bracken and get the best ones.
But we would go deeper, far into the thorns,
Sleeveless and often shoeless, just to get first choice.
The cuts and scratches would burn for days, but we didn't care;
They added the flavor of victory to the cupfuls,
and made the hose water that washed them all down seem like wine.

~W.D.W.

It's not what I want yet. Ah, well, at least it's not as bad as the last one I cranked out today.

Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe I just am not used to a non-rhyming style...I feel a craving for meter. And my language choice seems so bland.

For Edna
The water washes over me
My eyes shut to find the light
But the lack without reflects within
i'm afraid of the battle I must fight.

The water brings the dark
i lose all will to swim to shore
The surrounding gloom begs me to sleep
i just can't do this anymore.

The water soon chills my skin
My hair flows about me like a caress
Just as lost lover's comforting hands
Would soothe the last damsel in distress.

my skin grows cold and transparent
veins and bones stand in sharp relief
nothing is hidden- all is apparent.
i want to swim- i need belief.

~W.D.W.

Alright boys and girls, who knows their great female writers? Does this ring a bell? Anyone? Anyone?
aaaah, you all are losers.

What came to me during my friend's gig:

What is a tree?
I.
A shelter.
With kind leaves to counter elements;
Sharp shields, a green protecting army,
and branches that ungrudgingly hold
weary bird and beast alike.

II.
Life.
Without these rough-barked giants
who mass-produce the air we breathe
yet attach no value added,
where am I?

III.
A Playground.
I scramble clumsily up the trunk,
my rough child's feet gripping smooth bark,
and my hands pull me higher.
I can spy everything from here.
Others shout down below.

IV.
A mother.
A safe haven I turn to
when my day has been wrong.
I sit hidden; the breeze gives branchy hugs
and rocks me until the sadness flees.

V.
A best friend.
I will entrust no one but a tree
With the knowledge of whom I love.
Soft giggles and red flushed cheeks
as I cut his initials into the trunk,
trusting my secret will be safe.

VI.
A builder.
Without trees there would be no written word,
no fires to warm pale, cold-bumped skin.
They give selflessly, we give nothing:
they do not crave gratitude.

~W.D.W.

More Crappy Poetry, Baby. Run. Now.

Ghost Chant

The apex of the dawn draws near
(There's a chill inside of me)
Soul-less depths fill full of fear
(Lack of will inside of me)

Light reveals the fractured faults
(Something cries inside of me)
The all-devouring darkness halts
(Something dies inside of me)

Here it is, a blinding blaze
(Something tears inside of me)
Reluctantly the shadow strays
(Nothing cares inside of me)

Soon I'll flicker and fade away
(I know what dies inside of me)
No more shadows. It is day.
(No more lies inside of me)

~W.D.W.

I have wanted to to a call and answer poem for a long time, and this is what came out. I have no opinion.
__________________________________________________

For Fam
Faster and faster the angry words fly;
They cut and they bite their way down within.
I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.

Her voice begins to suffocate; I feel her love die.
Around me all civility is caving down in.
Faster and faster the angry words fly.

My moment of weakness; I no longer try.
Her eyes are dark with hatred- that's when
I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.

She pauses for breath; in that moment I spy
Another opening where I can dig my nails in.
Faster and faster the angry words fly.

Her eyes shine with hurt; why did I...
We're both so angry; where did this begin?
I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.

Tomorrow I'll wake and I'll feel low, like some sin.
How shallow and petty we must seem in God's eye!
But faster and faster the angry words fly,
So I fight and I scream, but I will not cry.

~W.D.W.

Yes, I wrote that in honor of me and Fam, but I'd never show it to her because she wouldn't get it. She wouldn't focus on the repentive ending; she'd be all over the feel-sorry-for-myself beginning.
Anyway, bitterness over. I chose this format because the format is very much like the repetitive cycle of our fights. We repeat and nitpick over the same things, and I wnated to show that. I wonder if anyone would pick up on that if I did not tell them?
Funny thing...I'm not an orthodoxly religious person...I was very surprised when He showed up in my poem.
_______________________________________________

Death to the King
Today is the day- as your life fades away
Your world will become empty and grey.
We will watch you die and have nothing to say.
Today is the day- your hair has grown grey,
Your eyes are dim, and why, we can't say,
But you simply refuse to go away.

-but we shall make you, anyway.

~W.D.W.

I found this in my psychology binder today. I don't remember quite when I wrote it, but I revised it and put it up here anyway. I showed it to Biker, she laughed really hard for a while and said it was great. She has a funky sense of humor- I thought it was as morbid as could be. Oh well.
_________________________________________________

Little note that makes me smile: The Dragon's license plate is NME.
n.m.e........enemy, perhaps?

Crappy Mini-Poem Right Here, Right Now.

Good things don't come to those who try,
and fail anyway in the end
Instead they come to those who wait-
Effectively delivered by hand.

Crappy Poetry Part I

Procrastinatress
It is often difficult for me to comprehend
How I can so capably ruin a good thing.
For example:
They say patience is a virtue;
They have obviously never met me.

~W.D.W.

This one doesn't have much to it. I wasn't trying to impress anyone; I was just attempting to cleverly state a fact. The job of the title is to explain what I am talking about. If I showed this poem sans title, I am sure fewer people would fully appreciate what I am talking about.
I played with the word procrastinator and decided on procrastinatress because it makes it seem like I have it down to an art form distinct to me. (Which is true.)
_____________________________________________________
::EDIT::
Autumn Mocks Me
The breeze hurries the husks of leaves by my feet
As I stroll through the dusk and down the street
My coat mimics the leaves and licks at my shoes
I think it would like to be taken up too
But I am too heavy to flutter away.
The breeze that could bring me up would break me down
I'd be flying free amidst chunks of debris
That would split or splinter and sting into me.
My new shirt would be darkened and dirtied and damp
Not bright and white but a bloody dark brown
And I doubt I'd be able to bring myself down.
So right about here is where I will stay
Not up in the air but safe on the ground
My face still and cold as the leaves zip around

Up me, around me, and down me they fly
Tauntingly telling me tales of the sky.

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

~Theodore Roethke

See? Isn't this an awesome villanelle? I love the format of this poem! Ah...must go write my own!

::EDIT::
Did no homework this weekend because I needed a break. However, that means that I will be more busy this week that formerly intended. Oh well. Next weekend is bowling and pointfest, so I'll really have to work hard to keep my weekend free...but I can do it. After this week, I'll almost be free. Almost.

::2ND EDIT::
I made this to rant. Why don't I feel like it??

::sigh:: I want to run, but I'm sure I need another rest day. My right shin still aches. Being on my feet all weekend at work probably hasn't helped matters much. It's frustrating...

I need to go do homework, but I'm in no mood.

I wonder when Fam and Unc get back. Do I have one more night of peace, or no? They left Friday; I doubt it.

Well, Fam and Unc are gonna be gone the whole weekend again, so when I'm not working, I'll have peace.
To do homework.
But I'll be one final down by the time this day is over, so I'm not really all that worried.
More later, have to go get people and get gas. Oh, shit!

Slept for four hours last night and felt better...

then went running to test new insoles, and feel worse.

Must go study for the two finals I have tomorrow.

Insomnia Con'td

Almost started crying because I want a grilled cheese sandwich but can't make it. I have reached a new low. 3:32 PM

Alright, I thought yesterday sucked... I had NO CLUE what was in store for me today. Actually made it through my classes...well, in body, anyway. My mind died around 4 AM when I woke up and had a panic attack.

I tried to go home, but they wouldn't let me drive...so I lost time when I could have been sleeping because Fam wouldn't come pick me up. Then, she just randomly shows up after school and forbids me to drive home. So she drives me, and Dragon Lady drives my car. ((I am going to have to get it professionally cleaned and blessed by a priest. I HATE that woman.))

Well, I figured that since she (Fam) and her wallet (money) were there, I could take the opportunity to go by Borders and get these four books I need for classes (have needed since last month)...but she's like "No, it's out of my way, I don't have time, blah, etc...." Well, we drove right by it on the way home. Selfish bitch. Heaven forbid she EVER take time out of her "busy" schedule for me. Now I remember why I don't ask her to do things for me anymore (remembers the research paper fiasco, the time I asked her to get me Jell-o when I had the flu and couldn't keep anything else down, etc.)

Maybe I can sleep tonight, even if it is just for a little while.

This is the last night, right? I almost never have this for longer than three days...

I can survive until tomorrow night. ((Can I survive until tomorrow night?)) ﾂｶ 3:21 PM

Scroll to bottom for part 1, babe

Well, I got to sleep at like three and kept on waking up about every half hour. Ah, insomnia. Welcome back. Wonder how long this will last?

So now I have a new plan: Skip classes, sleep until twelve, then do homework all night. If I sleep tonight, more power to me. If not, it's off to school in a half-dazed, drugged state. I'm too close to the end to be missing school.

So fucking tired. Why can't I just sleep? I started having insomnia when I was twelve. Now I get it about once or twice a year, usually for three days- once as long as a week and a half ((shudder)). The family says it's due to stress...I think I agree with them. But with my insomnia usually comes a burst of motivation and artistic genuis, so in a way I enjoy it. Up all night, gettting ahead in school, writing junk, drawing...then after a while I crash and will spend a weekend sleeping. It's called REM rebound, you know.

Motor skills are less than my norm. It requires a ton of concentration to move, and steps are freaking me out.

Despues del viaje

Hmph. Was in bed until 11 trying to sleep...managed to crash for about an hour, I think. Then I woke up and spent an hour trying to get this site to function for me.

Once I'm done here it is off to the library. I also have to see if it is possible to salvage my math project. I don't think so, but I shall try my best. Sleep tonight had better be an impossibility, because I have a lot of things to do.

Fam just walked in, so I did a pre-emptive eye roll. Right after I did, she told me to clean stuff. Huh. Imagine.

I am SOOOOO ready for summer and for Seattle- you have no idea, random reader. I can't wait to be back up on the canal, living my life by the tide, because when it's in, I'm on the water; when it's out, I'm sleeping or wishing it was in. I can't wait to bang and bruise myself up trying to learn to waterski again (I have never quite managed to stay up). Tubing is a must, only hopefully this time I won't bruise my chin and spilt my lip open when Unc cuts through the wake. ((It looked cool, tho. Like I had been in a fight.))

ARGH. Fam is now yelling at me about leaving a door unlocked four days ago. Right. I wonder if she realizes that I am tired and stressed and more than in the mood to make her life hell? So now it's wash my hair, find pants, and off to the library. If I stay home, bad things will happen. Today I am not in the mood for emotional pain, so I plan to avoid it for as long as possible. 12:18 PM

Back from library. Have discovered I am developing an unhealthy obsession with Margaret Atwood novels. Went to get Body and Soul for yet another project, and ended up with two new Atwood books. ("Nuevos libros", not "libros nuevos".) So now, if I can't sleep tonight and I have all my homework done, I will just start turning pages in The Edible Woman.

I swear I will eventually turn my last few entries into cohesive rants like the first one and not just semi-lucid ramblings. But my brain is a bit hazy and the only reason my fingers are typing at all is because of my incredible willpower. My body wants to go lie down, but I know that if I do I won't sleep. My mind is too awake behind its fog.

Hmmmm, will go running again tonight. I think after the first mile I'll break, suck on a piece of ice, do some push-up, sit-ups, and sits, then run another mile before I call it good. Gotta keep the ol heart rate up to increase the metabolism, you know. 1:39 PM

Insomnia and Masochism

Two more things that prove I have masochistic tendencies.

First, I went to go swim/study (note which one I put first). Went over knowing full well we wouldn't get any work done, and that I really had no spare time. While there, didwim some laps for exercize, but I could have done so much more. Which means I still have to go on my 30 minute run tonight. So, though fun, it was a complete waste of time and I now am behind on my research paper. So I better not be able to sleep tonight, because now I can't, anyway.

Second, I am now sitting here gnawing on a carrot and choking down a slighty wilted salad with cheese. Here's where it gets funny: I'm a red meat veggie-tarian, but I don't like veggies! So even though I am actually having a healthy dinner, I am not enjoying it. It HURTS to eat salad. There's something about the texture...I've tried for two years, but I just can't make myself like it. But, I eat it anyway. Who knew it was so painful to be healthy?

Hmmmm, I have no more reason to write for now. Unless I feel like procrastinating further and totally screwing myself over. Nope, better get on with it. Once it get the intro done, it should all be relatively easy.

If I can't sleep tonight and I have all my homework done (or all that I can get done without endangering my sanity), I'll read and probably watch "Gattaca". I figurt's time to see what all the fuss is about up at work. ﾂｶ 8:13 PM